Suicidal Tendencies

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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby KinestheticThought » Fri Mar 01, 2013 6:23 pm

Thanks Elliot.

Wrote another poem I feel like sharing:
I screamed through the playa,
out to the world
Did anybody hear me?
Does anybody care?

I've fought this battle,
long and hard.
Through fights with loved ones
and arguments with strangers.

Difficulties with teachers
and coworkers the like.
Does anybody hear me?
Does anybody care?

I do not mean to upset you
just wish to heal my pain
I'm sorry to include you
in a world so vain.

Best wishes, lots of love. To my playa family, whom have both broken my heart and helped me stitch it back together. I love you all.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Fri Mar 01, 2013 6:52 pm

Random coincidence and miscellaneous information:

Once in a while I attend Clearlake City Council meetings, to keep an eye on the rascals. Last night they had a presentation by a suicide prevention organization from nearby Marin County. They are expanding into Lake County with an emergency telephone hot line and such.

The lady told us that Lake County has an annual suicide rate of something like 30 per 100,000, which is much higher than the national average of something like 10 /100,000. Well, that made sense to me, since Lake County is one of the poorest counties in the whole country.

Then came the shocker: Marin County is just as bad a Lake -- and Marin is one of the wealthiest neighborhoods on the planet.

Which reminded me of a lame joke my mother liked to tell:
"I know a man who has 100 Million Dollars -- not happy. I know an other man who has 10 Million Dollars -- happy. See -- money cannot buy happiness."

My biggest worry now is whether to apply for my own Theme Camp, apply for Early Arrival Placement (new this year), join Sideshow, or wing it. Nice worry to have. :D
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Jax Dee » Mon Apr 01, 2013 2:57 am

Just wanted to check i with my playa family. I look back at my January post and...I am still that person but I feel so different. I still struggle but at worst I get frustrated and cry a little...and then move on. I have miraculously really started to let some things go. I have had some very happy things happen and some very sad. I have not let them become triggers for my bipolar disorder. I am maintaining my mood overall currently tho of course nothing is perfect. And that is the point :) I don't have to be perfect.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby gyre » Mon Apr 01, 2013 3:47 am

Good for you, Jax!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Patsh » Mon Apr 01, 2013 7:19 am

.

Striving for excellence is motivating;

Striving for perfection is demoralizing.



I don't know who wrote this, but it helps me through the days


.
formerly, Triken

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Triken' ma blues away....
.


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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Mon Apr 01, 2013 11:04 am

:D
YAY!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby ygmir » Mon Apr 01, 2013 11:24 am

good words Triken!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby TomServo » Mon Apr 01, 2013 11:25 am

Jax Dee wrote:Just wanted to check i with my playa family. I look back at my January post and...I am still that person but I feel so different. I still struggle but at worst I get frustrated and cry a little...and then move on. I have miraculously really started to let some things go. I have had some very happy things happen and some very sad. I have not let them become triggers for my bipolar disorder. I am maintaining my mood overall currently tho of course nothing is perfect. And that is the point :) I don't have to be perfect.


Glad to hear! Only Cthulhu is "perfect." TRY and ignore the negative shit, and only move forward!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Savannah » Tue Apr 09, 2013 1:50 am

Triken wrote:.

Striving for excellence is motivating;

Striving for perfection is demoralizing.



I don't know who wrote this, but it helps me through the days


.


A busy woman I temped with way back in the day had a little snippet of paper taped to her monitor that read "Things will get done, little by small". This should not have been revolutionary for me, but it really was something I didn't very often . . . think of.

And so, sometimes, when the perfect blitz of work does not occur and I am feeling so ridiculously impatient and self-critical and irritated, it runs through my head. It's not eloquent, but it is worth making into a mantra when you are dissatisfied with yourself or things around you, or letting the pace of things get you down.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby knowmad » Mon Aug 05, 2013 12:37 pm

Bump (and an update)
hormone replacement is having a positive effect on my emotional state. (or I just feel better in comfortable shoes?) thanks again for everyone that listened to me cry and whine, Thanks for helping and holding up your fellow burners.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Dr. Pyro » Mon Aug 05, 2013 1:45 pm

Reply 1000! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Some of you out there might actually get the reference.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby theCryptofishist » Mon Aug 05, 2013 3:53 pm

I believe the reply is "Bastard"
Simon's real sig line?

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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby delle » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:05 am

I've been wanting to tell you something.

I remember when I finally started reading this thread a year and a half ago, how utterly impossible it was for me to relate to warnings of negative reactions to anti-depressants. Mine had been such a magical and joyously life changing transition – each new day unveiling its newborn potential to a more and more willing participant. – that I just couldn’t relate to it being anything short of miraculous.

A couple of years of this wonder-drug changed everything that happened to me for close to two decades after stopping them. I believed in joy and so I lived joy daily, hourly, minutely.

Until I didn’t anymore.

And the slippery slide commenced yet again.

By this summer I realized I couldn’t do it alone, and finally came clean about it. Once it was out there it caught fire. Everyone around me knew. Everything changed. Things looked up very quickly.

And then the drugs kicked in.
Different drugs. Newer drugs.

And the door opened to the terrifying effects of trial and error.
The interminable days of the shaking, stammering Frankenstein in the mirror.
The violent abduction witnessed from the corner of the soul where I cowered, terrified.
Thunder and Lightning.
Strike.
Cower and shake.
STOP STRIKING ME!!!
Shake and cower.

Mistrikes of a New Brain poorly rewired
Gray Matter Holes appearing out of nowhere
Treacherous , multiplying holes riddling my mental path Each thought more and more perilous.

What was I doing?
What was I SUPPOSED to do?
Where’s my list, dammit. It must be on my list.

Broken morphs to New Broken every day. I scramble to keep up with the changes, but they are impossible to predict and I am terminally unprepared for them.

And now I understand. Fully.
My only solace – my naïve stance some-hundred posts ago, which now seems like such a sick but really funny joke.
I thought I knew.
But I only knew half of it. The pretty shiny half. The backside is ugly as hell.

It’s a sick, sick ride when it’s going backwards. You can only hope it will land safely, but you realize you’re definitely not in control of any of it as it careens recklessly this way and that. The overpowering abductor at the wheel


Today is a better day. As was yesterday and the day before. As I’m now sure tomorrow will be…. But it’s been a helluva ride.

A helluva ride!!!

I now understand.




I wanted to share this now -- before we hit the dust -- so that you all know without me having to go into the ugly details just how very important you all have been in getting me through my hardest days. The love and support in this group is real and tangible and healing and good. Important!

You're all so very important to me.

And I thank you for that. It's really all I have to give. My thanks.
He soars not high who fears to fall
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Patsh » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:21 am

((((((((Delle))))))))

Well said! I'm glad things are back on the upswing for you.
Looking forward to the healing effects of being near such good friends (and of course, lungsful of Playa Dust). :wink:

You're so right about this group of true friends! It's hard to imagine what life would be like without them.

See you SOON!!! 8)
formerly, Triken

keep on triken' Mamma!
Triken' ma blues away....
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby delle » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:25 am

Can we go today please??

Pretty please???



No wait.... I'm soooooooo not ready!!!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Patsh » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:34 am

delle wrote:Can we go today please??

Pretty please???



No wait.... I'm soooooooo not ready!!!


You're actually more ready than you may think... All The Things you had at my house from 2011, plus All The Things you've had shipped here over the last month or so, are READY!!! Added bonus: TinkerMom has graciously offered to let some of the bigger/heavier Things take up space on her trailer, around~in~under the Dye With Dignity art car, so a trip to north is in the plans for today.

Ya, I want to leave for the Playa yesterday! :mrgreen:
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keep on triken' Mamma!
Triken' ma blues away....
.


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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby delle » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:39 am

Unfortunately in my quest for getting things done yesterday I took most of the Piled Things by the suitcases and strew them all over the house.

What was 2 minutes from being done may now take a tad longer.

Thank god for my list!!!
Last edited by delle on Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:48 am

:D
Excellent post, Delle.

It is amazing how widespread this disease is (I have found out), but we seldom talk about it.
Picture, in contrast, some other life-threatening disease, such as, say, Diabetes. When somebody comes down with Diabetes, everybody happily talks about it, and knowledge and understanding is everywhere. Diabetes-compliant recipes and other information is cheerfully shared.
But Major Depressive Disorder remains "the elephant in the room".
Except among our bunch!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby FIGJAM » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:53 am

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!

Everybody grab some EMT, we're having elephant for lunch! :wink:
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:56 am

Elephants eat galvanized steel tubing?
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby FIGJAM » Sat Aug 17, 2013 8:33 am

EMT was the closest thing to a spear that I had handy. :lol:
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elorrum » Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:00 am

Keep trudging Delle! Hills and valleys, and smooth stretches, and bridges washed out, and bits of hell peaking through. yep, all 'a that stuff. I stopped taking an anti-depressant a few months ago, to just get a baseline check, since situations in my life have changed some. I'm trying to make mindful adjustments, and making changes in some things I have physical control over. The jury is still out. Run the elephant flag up the flag pole so we can come running if you need company.
What's the name of the act? The Aristocrats.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:57 am

Elorrum wrote: ... Run the elephant flag up the flag pole...

Ya know, that might be a good symbol for the cause.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Sic Pup » Sat Aug 17, 2013 4:06 pm

(((((Delle)))))

We're all on this ride together. I'm glad to see things are on the upswing and you have the vision to know that it may not always be that way. Savor every moment and........
"Enjoy every sandwich" - W. Zevon
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sat Aug 17, 2013 4:36 pm

...and get your butt -- and Kenny's -- to Burning Man! :D
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby delle » Sat Aug 17, 2013 4:51 pm

Thanks Ellorum and SicPup.

A flag sounds great, but instead I might just start practice making elephant sounds. The other two being neighbours, they should know what it means.

And speaking of you two.... Grab some magnetized shovels and for god's sake clear out that poop would you? My slippers are getting slippery.


I really have to say that my writing up there is only in THIS thread because of what I'd said earlier here about my drug experiences. I do have a strapping fine elephant, but we've been together most of my life and we get along pretty well usually.

I guess the new brand of peanuts just don't agree with him. We can fix that.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Savannah » Sat Aug 17, 2013 4:53 pm

(((((Delle)))))

I'm glad you're on the upswing.

. . . I probably yammered about this once before, but I was fascinated by the idea, so I will risk repeating myself.

I read once that for some reason the human brain has a difficult time comprehending / allowing for the possibility of positive emotional change. We are wired to default to a belief that everything a person feels at a moment in time will Always Be.

It made a shit-ton of sense to me. Everyone I've ever known who felt awful feels like it will be forever. And sometimes, the smarter a person is the more certain they can be, because aren't they so often right about other things? But certainty itself is sometimes more emotion than fact. Another thing I've read in some science-y place I cannot at the moment recall. ;) Certainty is often an emotion, a feeling. We all know people who have been powerfully certain--and powerfully wrong. (To acknowledge that it is possible is actually a huge relief.)

So--all bets are off. These are volatile emotions and chemicals. We can't really know they are forever at all. Emotional permanence is just a powerful illusion. Here's to upswings on the roller coaster, and turns in the road.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Sic Pup » Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:05 pm

I'll shovel all day long if it will help.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby FIGJAM » Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:06 pm

delle wrote: I do have a strapping fine elephant, but we've been together most of my life and we get along pretty well usually. I guess the new brand of peanuts just don't agree with him.


Well, ok.

Maybe you can train him to carry "All The Things"!!!! 8)
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:13 pm

Meds for Elephant-In-The-Room Disease are an uncertain thing at best. Yes, meds can help, but in my experience I suspect they are a minor influence. Sleep deprivation is a big issue for me. And caffeine is a poison. We joke all over this board about guzzling coffee in the morning for supposed benefits, but the stuff is actually very bad for us.

Back to Preparations!
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