And the Lord spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and stretch out thine hand upon the waters of Burning Man, upon their gallon jugs, upon their water trucks, upon Frog Pond, and upon all the neighboring hot springs, that they may become rain; and that there may be rain throughout all the land of Black Rock City, both on the Esplanade and the streets of the city. And Moses and Aaron did so, as the Lord commanded. And the people stupid enough to drive it in were forced to keep a frenetic pace while the citizens did yell "Slow down!" and other wags did yell "Don't slow down or ye will be stuck, fucktard"; and Lo, the drivers could not stop, and had to drive all the way to 9:00 and L Street before they dared park; and there was mud throughout Black Rock City.
And the Lord spake unto Moses, Go unto Pharaoh, and say unto him, Thus saith the Lord, Let my people go, that they may serve me. And if thou refuse to let them go, behold, I will smite all thy borders with Sparkleponies. And a tour bus shall bring forth Sparkleponies abundantly, which shall underdress and wander into thine camp, and into thy RV, and upon thy bed, and into the yurt of thy campmates, and upon thy people seeking illicit substances and sunscreen, hovering over the seats of your private privies, and into thy kitchens, seeking dinner. And the squealing ponies shall advance upon thee, and upon thy campmates, and rub up against thy leaders seeking to borrow a sweater, which will never be returned. And the Lord spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch forth thine hand with thy rod over the sound camps, over the biffies, and over Barbie Death Village, and cause Sparkleponies to come up upon the land of Black Rock City. And Aaron stretched out his hand over a mug full of Lamplighter sangria; and the Sparkleponies strutted forth and covered the land of Burning Man with feathers and loose glitter.
Then Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron, and said, entreat the Lord, that he may take away the Sparkleponies from me, and from my people; and I will let the people go, that they may do sacrifice unto the Lord. And Moses said unto Pharaoh, Glory over me: when shall I entreat for thee, and for thy servants, and for thy people, to destroy the Sparkleponies from thee and thy houses, that they may remain in the Sparklepony Corral only? And the Sparkleponies shall depart from thee, and from thy tents, and from thy campmates' tents, and from thy drum circles; they shall remain in the Corral only. And Moses and Aaron went out from Pharaoh: and Moses cried unto the Lord because of the Sparkleponies which he had brought against Pharaoh. And the Lord did according to the word of Moses; and the Sparkleponies sobered up slightly, out of the villages, and out of Retrofrolic. And the townsfolk gathered them together upon rolling, cuddling heaps: and the land stank. But when Pharaoh saw that there was respite, he hardened his heart, and hearkened not unto them; as the Lord had said.
And the Lord said unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch out thy rod, and smite the dust of the land, that it may become tourists on Segways throughout all the land of Burning Man. And they did so; for Aaron stretched out his hand with his rod, and smote the dust of the playa, and it became tourists; all the dust of the land became tourists on speeding, undecorated Segways throughout all the land of Burning Man. And the magicians did so with their enchantments to bring forth tourists on Segways, but they could not: so there were tourists on unlit Segways running down the citizens of Black Rock City and generally looking like gormless asshats, right in front of God and everybody.
And the Lord said unto Moses, Rise up early in the morning, and stand before Pharaoh; lo, he cometh forth to the water; and say unto him, Thus saith the Lord, Let my people go, that they may serve me. Else, if thou wilt not let my people go, behold, I will send swarms of the Unprepared upon thee, and upon thy campmates, and upon thy friends, and into thy box trucks: and Center Camp shall be full of swarms of the Unprepared. And the Lord did so; and there came a grievous swarm of Unprepared dillholes into the house of Pharaoh, clad in darkness, spilling into all the land of Burning Man: the land was corrupted by people without drinking vessels, possessing only 3-ply toilet paper & Cup O' Noodle.
Then the Lord said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh, and tell him, Thus saith the Lord God of the Hebrews, Let my Burners go, that they may serve me. And behold, the hand of the Lord admitted nude strangers who want to sit in your camp chair without so much as a towel. And the Lord did that thing on the morrow, and the nude strangers without towels did descend upon the land, and it was @#$%ing RUDE, yo.
And the Lord said unto Moses and unto Aaron, Take to you handfuls of dust, and let Moses sprinkle it in your shoes when your feet are sweaty. And it shall become trapped in your footwear, and shall be Playa Foot upon humans & people in kitty ears, throughout all the land of Burning Man. And they took dust of the playa, and Moses sprinkled it skyward; and it became playa foot. And even the marching bands could not stand before Moses because of playa foot; for the playa foot was upon the marching bands.
And the Lord said unto Moses, Rise up early in the morning, and stand before Pharaoh, and say unto him, Thus saith the Lord God of the Hebrews, Let my people go, that they may serve me. For now I will stretch out my hand, that I may smite thee and thy people with underage people seeking brewskis. Behold, to morrow about this time I will cause it to rain underage folk, such as hath not been in Black Rock City since the foundation thereof even until now. And the Lord said unto Moses, Stretch forth thine hand toward heaven, that there may be college freshmen covering the playa, openly smoking the herb of the field. And Moses stretched forth his rod toward heaven: and the Lord sent thunder and hail, and the fire ran along upon the ground; and the Lord rained underage people upon playa bars. So there were 18 year olds, and 21 year olds mingled with them, very grievous, such as there was none like it in all the land of Burning Man. And the underage sought 4-Loko throughout all of Black Rock City; and they tried their luck at every playa bar, and tested the patience of every bartender in the land.
Only in the land of Kidsville, where the children of the Burn were, was there no seeking of ill-gotten dirty martinis.
And the Lord said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and have made the drum circle next door continue until 4:00am. And Moses and Aaron came in unto Pharaoh, and said unto him, Thus saith the Lord God of the Hebrews, How long wilt thou refuse to humble thyself before me? Do I smell bacon?
Else, if thou refuse to let my people go, behold, to morrow will I bring attractive undercover law enforcement officers into thy fold. And they shall cover the face of the playa, that one cannot be able to see the dust: and they shall ask you how to find 4:20 & J, and how to find enough "candy" for their entire camp, and woe be to those who think that they are asking for Twix bars, for that is not actually what they seek. And they shall fill thy shade structures with bizarre requests, and the shade structures of thy neighbors, and the domes of thy neighbors' neighbors; going from shade to shade until some idiot says yes. And Moses stretched forth his rod over the land of Burning Man, and the Lord brought an east wind upon the land all that day, and all that night; and when it was morning, the east wind brought law enforcement. And law enforcement went up over all the camps of Burning Man, very grievous were they; before them there were no such undercover as they, neither after them shall be such. For they covered the face of the whole earth, so that the land was darkened; and they request every herb of the land. Then Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron in haste; and he said, I have sinned against the Lord your God, and I have been issued a $1,000 citation.
And the Lord said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand toward heaven, that it be 38 degrees Fahrenheit. And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and it was cold as shit for three goddamned days.
And the Lord spake unto Moses and Aaron in the land of Egypt saying, this day shall be unto you the beginning of the worst dust storm you have ever seen. It will last 12 hours. And if your camp is not well tied down, nothing of your camp shall remain until the morning; and that which remaineth of it until the morning ye shall burn with fire. And thus shall ye eat dirt; with your ratchet straps tightened, your goggles on your face, and your hammer in your hand. For the storm will pass through Burning Man this night, and will smite the unprepared, both man and inscrutable persons in Kigurumi fleece; and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the Lord.
And when I see adequate tie-downs, zippers zipped, & doors closed, I will pass over you, for the most part, and the storm shall not destroy you, probably, when I smite the land of Burning Man. But I shall smite Savannah for blasphemy.
And so it came to pass.
*** 2015 Survival Guide ***
"I must've lost it when I was twerking at the trash fence." -- BBadger
"Snark away, ePlaya, you magnificent bastards." -- McStrangle