I came acress this the other day. I sort of think this guy is on to something.
“THEY’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!”
“The Only E-Zine You Should Ever Bother To Read”
DISCUSSION 68: All Things Considered, I’d Make A Pretty Good Pope
I was sitting on my fat ass the other day watching some vintage ‘70s porn on my hi-def Sony and it had something to do with the Diocese of Rome and the patriarchs of the Catholic Church getting blown by a bunch of bimbos on the grounds of the Sistine Chapel. I thought to myself that I could stand to get a blowjob from some Italian twat in the Vatican, and then it dawned on me: Well, why not? If I were Pope, I’d get more head than a warm keg of Budweiser. It is this provocative, yet far-sighted, notion of me becoming Pope which this month’s enlightening discussion will address.
To be candid, I don’t know all that much about what the Pope does. Sure, he wears cool hats, and I’m down with that. You should see this one I’ve got that can hold not only two beers at once, but has a velcro pocket in the back where I can keep both a joint and a lighter. And I don’t know jackshit about being a Catholic. In fact, I hate Catholics almost as much as I hate the fucking Jews, which is saying something. But if I can get my dick sucked a lot, I would become ever-so tolerant. I’m sure the Pope has to be a pretty tolerant guy, having to put up with a bunch of ignorant polocks and useless dagos everyday. Well I could do that, and if they gave me any shit, I’d just kick the living bejesus out of each and every one of them. As Pope I could certainly do that.
What else does the Pope do? In reality, as near as I can tell, not much. He holds that golden scepter, which would be a great place to stash my coke. And when some cardinal gives him a load of bullshit, he could use it to bash that son of a bitch squarely across the head. Fuck you dickweed! Whack! Now go get me a pizza. And everybody knows how the wops love their wine. Though I’ve never been to Italy, I’ve certainly drank enough Chianti to make it look like I have. But I hate throwing up after guzzling a bottle of that shit. It’s all red with these slimy spaghetti-like entrails flying around everywhere. But as Pope I would indeed make the sacrifice. There’s got to be a puke bucket somewhere around St. Peter’s Square. When I think about it, the Pope has to have a good publicist because I have never seen an article about him puking his guts out while in a drunken stupor. And I’ll bet he hardly ever gets a DUI. That would certainly come in handy. I’m liking this Pope idea more by the minute.
I’m willing to wager the Pope doesn’t live in a two-bedroom dingbat overlooking the 405 freeway. In fact, I think I saw somewhere once that he has a big home with statues of naked chicks with big tits everywhere. How cool would that be? I wouldn’t even have to log onto my favorite website to see topless bimbos, I could just walk around the Basilica or something and beat off whenever I chose. I wonder if the Pope even bothers to put on underwear? I know if I were Pope I certainly wouldn’t. I’d run around the grounds of the Vatican with my dick hanging out letting everybody get a load of my great big Pope cock. I need to check up on my facts, but I don’t think there’s a Mrs. Pope anywhere. Since I’ve been divorced three times already that would be a real plus. Not having to answer to some cunt while she bitches about my drinking and lack of marketable skills would be welcome relief indeed. I don’t see where the fucking Pope has any useful skills that would make the typical union labor boss anxious to hire him. If that doesn’t sound like me, then nothing does.
Being Pope would be a Godsend. Imagine all of the cool cable channels you would get. Probably even gets HBO and Showtime. Why not throw in The Playboy Channel and all those ones on DirecTV in the upper 500’s, you know, the ones where you can buy a three-hour block of like six porno channels for $10. I’ll bet the Goddamn Pope gets them for free! Imagine sitting around in your great big Pope La-Z-Boy drinking a beer and using your TiVo to watch “Genitals Prefer Blonds”! That would be great! And when I get all horned up, they’d just call in the chicks who suck cock to take care of my every Popely desire. And when I’m done, more Chianti.
Finally, the cars that the Pope tools around in are just plain bitchin. That really fucking cool one that’s all glass that you can stand up in would be just the ticket for picking up chicks. And it has its own chauffeur so I can drink even more while I give the finger to these cocksucking douche bags blocking the sidewalks that wave at me like retards with epilepsy. I can just imagine cornholing some whore that I picked up at the Spanish Steps in the Popemobile. Hay you assholes, look at me! I’m the motherfucking Pope and look at me buttfuck this chick while this dildo drives me wherever I please! Yes, fuck you and you and you! That would be the life.
The point is made: If I were Pope there would finally be a reason to celebrate being a Catholic. If there were something I didn’t like, I’d just make a decree and it would be law. Being as enlightened as I am, they would all be really good laws too. So let’s start the petition today and get ready to fire up the white smoke from the Vatican, because there’s going to be a new sheriff in town and things are about to get real.