I'm having a hard time right now in my life, in not wanting my life, I am not in any danger, but I don't like even having the thoughts.
I think I especially have such a hard time because I feel like I am not allowed to be this way. That I have to always be the strong one, the one with things together, the mom who is always on and doesn't worry her child, the perfect partner and girlfriend because he is so busy dealing with his own stresses, the mind healthy daughter so my parents won't worry, the step-mom above reproach so the birth mom can't use that to undermine my family, the friend who is the one you can always call and depend on because she will always say yes and cheer you up, perfect perfect perfect.
And yet, these are not things that anyone has put upon me, not one of these people actually expects perfection from me, not one is going to stab me in the back or turn away from me if I stumble, even the crazy birth mom. I do this to myself. I have had an obsession with being perfect and always together and organized since I was a child. I feel the need to always be in control. I literally feel as if I will die and the world will crash into the sun if I for one moment let go of the control, if I for one moment break down and cry out my fears and ask for help.
And the worst thing is, even when I am doing this to myself, and holding on to the reigns of control with white knuckled ferocity, I am constantly paranoid and doubtful and think everyone sees through the mask, sees how fake I am, sees the failure. I feel judged and unloved and unworthy. I feel like a fraud. And I don't know how to live this life anymore not knowing how to feel like myself, not wanting to be myself, not knowing who I really even am.
I know there are people here who love me. I am not looking for pity and attention and self affirmation and platitudes from you. I know you, I know your love, and it keeps me warm and alive, so thank you. But please do not respond to this with compliments I am not fishing for. I just needed to let this out. To siphon the poison from my mind. So there it is, the secret shame I let shrivel me inside, and I am going to learn to own it. I am going to learn that perfection is not attainable or even necessarily something to strive for. It sets you up for failure. I am intelligent and aware and I know this. But so many things are easier said than done. So here is me saying them and now here is me going to learn to do them. Thank you for the forum to whinge a bit.
May All Beings Be Well
May All Beings Be Happy
May All Beings Be Free From Suffering