Wow, I like that one, Delle... well said. I had a therapist who once told me to do the same thing - amazing how much crap it cleared out of my once cluttered and spinning mind.
I don;t know that covering the white noise works - at least for me. For, see, if that white noise generator falters (as it does, sometimes) then the voices and messages and crap come back harder... louder... more demanding.
I had trust issues as well, bb, for a long time... I still hold stuff tight to the vest, and for reasons I can't say, probably will. But I will open up a bit of my past here, of for no other reason than you mean a fuck of a lot to me, bb (whether you know it or not)... I don't know if it's because we share the same initials, or it was that trip taking the roamanoff MkI to the playa or what... but you always have a spot in my heart. Anyway...
I also had fleeting issues of doing severe and irreprable self harm decades ago. It was a culmination of many years of all kinds of fucked up shit - some was my own doing, some was because of choices I made, some were that fucking voice that kept coming back when the white noise generator shut itself off, some were circumstances of fate, job, and pneuma, some were because of the misdiagnosis and misprescription of doctors to "fix" shit, when they had no idea what they were doing. (Would YOU have a plumber working on YOUR maserati?)
Anyway, I white-knuckled the shit - I tried all kinds of self help shit - Groups, All the Bill W stuff, reading, self-analyisis, doing the call a friend shit, etc... and t got worse and worse. No fucking shit, worse. Then a friend (one of the few I had left) suggested a therapist. This woman had many, many issues of her own, but she was the one who actually got me to realize a simple truth - it's not you that's deciding to end it all to end it all, it's your parameters and shit that are causing you to spiral down... so, fucking, change your parameters.
I did. The main thing the headshrinker did for me was help me sort out the shit and find out who the hell I was, and assemble me from the disjointed facets driving me to insanity. Some of those facets still show - Yeah, I can be blunt, I tend to say shit that people don't like to hear on occasion, I can run at 115% output on ideas and thoughts and projects and shit, and some even see edges when I do Apok (which is why I am **really** careful what I do and don't in camp) that are, um, not very nice... but the thing is, while way back then it was all serious shit 110% of the time, it's now something I loook back on and even draw strrength from. The one thing I found - when I started the reassembly, all desire to do damage went away. I didn't know why then, but I do now - because it was an effort to shut down the incongruity of my psyche - call it the nice young country girl meets urban stone cold killer syndrome meets analytical whizkid meets psychotic druggie meets reverend mother meets disconnected mom meets hormonally fucked up medical experiemnt meets hero lifesaver meets ... well, you get the idea. Once I didn't have to force a full system shutdown - by doing this "reassembly" - my entire parameter of life changed. Just like (**snap**) that.
Thing is... while those aspects of me are still there, they don't run my life. If they did, I wouldn't be here for the past, hell, 20 or so years. So... I'm gonna tell you (because I do love ya, dude), one, giving up the ship sucks, because even tho when blinded by that thing that put you in a shithole spot to let your committee work overtime, that crap that you wake up to and go to bed with is a fucking ILLUSION, trying to keep you from finding the way to put YOUR facets together, to make you efel like shit really IS worth living. Because, even tho you are being blindfolded (and blindsided) by this one terminator facet, it itself is only one little tiny insignificant speck of this huge awesomeness you are. A lot of us here know you, not just on line, but personally... and see it, we KNOW the awesomeness of you, and honestly, well... it would really, really fucking suck not to have you there to hope that we could keep doing TITITD we do... because now that I know you, I can't see a burn without you. And that, my love, ain't no shit.
I've said my piece. I've prolly said too much. But there it is. Naked as my tits on the playa. Bared for you.