Needed: Someone to wipe my butt

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Postby AntiM » Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:12 am

What does Chai Guy taste like?


Depends.
These are not my fuckos.
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Postby d6 » Thu Aug 18, 2005 10:24 am

d6
-submitting wiping resume -
will bring own:
tweezers for immaculate south-of-the-equator maintenance, pre-dabbing with meringue for that "special touch"
48-pack 2-ply moist towelettes, complete with pre-decorated 5-gallon bucket, (just in case pre-dehydration renders you "irregular)
q-tips-q-tips-q-tips!!!!!
heretofore, all "discharges" originate from C.G's "METAGALAXY"
will henpeck all hussys, and answer all queries with "it's for science"
can simultaneously film with the Munzbot, who'll relieve me, as well as CG thereby providing CG w/guaranteed 24-7-7 cleanliness, and the option between chrome and flesh - as well as free up time for me to entertain//distract CG while "going to work", thereby making each offering the most efficient.
have retro-fitted lp case to offer only the finest array of powders, scents, & anti-inflammatory-buttress gels.
will make flattering. ie: asskissing, comments at every turn, regardless of whatever indulgence may soon be taking a re-processed form.
refer to "waste" as "art", and display with surnames such as:
"THE LANCE CORPORAL" - "STARLIT" - "THE TARTAN HIBISCUS" - "THE INSOLUBLE LAZY-SUSAN" - "JET-STREAM" - "POLYGON OF POOP" - "THE
SPONGECAKE SILKWORM" etc,etc
+
In all my years as single dad x2, and cleaning-up-after-putting-on-all-kinds-of-shows-guy,
I guarantee that i've seen worse.

d6,
LICENSE TO UNPLUG-BOT

munzbot pics: www.robotronia.com
your witty rejoinder just flew over my head.....

no trust fund getting supply buying self-reliant non-bankrolled questionable artistic contributor sacrificing electronics at will build it destroy it clean it haul it financially uninterested uber-bot
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Postby stuart » Thu Aug 18, 2005 11:24 am

Oh Chai Guy
too good for the potties
smell your supple brew
bring the hotties

A single wipe
all I desire
your ass I need wipe
my heart's a fire
call me baby
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Postby theCryptofishist » Thu Aug 18, 2005 11:49 am

Good poetry stuart, although for rhythm I think I prefer:
stuart wrote:Oh Chai Guy
too good for the potties
smell your supple brew
bring on the hotties
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Postby ThePikey » Thu Aug 18, 2005 12:50 pm

Chai Guy, you can't limit this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to just one person. You need to share the love that is the act of wiping your butt! I say you should hold a lottery of all the qualified applicants and randomly select a different one to tend to your bodily functions for each day. Imagine the fun as people cluster around your camp each morning, waiting to see who gets the position of privilage!

It'll be kinda like The Price is Right, but with excreta.
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Postby Kinetic IV » Thu Aug 18, 2005 12:58 pm

Oh come on, out of 35,000 people only 7 get selected? At least make it 12 hour shifts so 14 lucky individuals get the opportunity.
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Postby theCryptofishist » Thu Aug 18, 2005 3:54 pm

Chai needs to think "entourage." For instance, he can have someone wait in line for him, then check the JotS for cleanliness, including the floor. Someone to hold the flash light. Someone to warm the baby wipes in a playa microwave. Someone to run in front of him and sweep the dust from his path. And a social secretary to organize his chai give-aways...
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Postby Chai Guy » Thu Aug 18, 2005 4:47 pm

First of all anyone that just wants to hang out and wait for the opportunity to wipe my butt is more than welcome to do so. I realize that not everyone can plan ahead or the make the comittment in advance to be there for me. You can just show up at any time and wait for my next bowel movement. You can kill the time between poops by washing my hair, giving me a pedicure, massage or even cleaning up my camp, believe me, you will not be bored.

I will probably have no more than 7-12 poops though, so the opportunity is limited and I hope to get those shifts covered soon. If you don't make the "A" team you can always go for the "B" team, you never know when I might need to call you in off the bench and put you in the big game.

Keep those poems, and letters coming. Thanks!
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Postby geekster » Thu Aug 18, 2005 5:17 pm

Chai, your ass is going to be so clean, you are going to squeek when you walk. Hmmm, new playa name ... Squeeky.
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Postby Petalford » Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:19 pm

Doody calls for Chai Guy’s Butt Wiper
Ahhh... that lucky terd, what a shit! ummm... man diapers

Chai tea, dried fruit, ah yes the fiber!
What I wouldn’t give to be the chosen Butt Wiper
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Postby Badger » Thu Aug 18, 2005 8:51 pm

I realize that not everyone can plan ahead or the make the comittment in advance to be there for me. You can just show up at any time and wait for my next bowel movement.


So long as you're 'regular' I don't see why a sign-up sheet won't work.
.
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Postby theCryptofishist » Fri Aug 19, 2005 8:39 am

I don't know, Chai, sometimes when I get to the playa, it takes me a couple of days to adjust to the JotS and produce my first solids. It seems to me that that would be the crap of glory--three days worth all at once ranging from almost rock hard to gushing. Get out the elbow gloves!
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Postby EvilDustBooger » Fri Aug 19, 2005 8:43 am

Now That was a really Crappy thing to say.
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Postby theCryptofishist » Fri Aug 19, 2005 10:18 am

Chai--
I have suddenly realized that there is another--ahem--womanly need that should be addressed. All those goddess lovers who live to serve after critical tits should be prepared to offer the ultimate in intimate care. I am speaking of course of inserting, removing, saving, and transporting tampons for the woman in flow. Belly rubs when needed. Spritzing and wiping. Unfortunately, I will not need that service next week. However, I am willing to get someone started in his or her bm experience. He or she can spend today, monday and possibly Tuesday crouched on my cubicle floor and can say my cubicle is his or her theme camp. I will generously share my shwag--#10 business envelopes, post-its, and pens that don't work. On Saturday and Sunday he or she can follow me around offering backrubs as I run around like a nut trying to get everything packed. I will also need a documentarian and a goddess nutjob narrator to tell everyone what's going on, why, and why it is the most beutiful thing in the world.

Can you write me up the grant proposal real quick? I need the money by 1:00pm.
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Postby Topcat » Fri Aug 19, 2005 12:17 pm

Chai Guy wrote:I will probably have no more than 7-12 poops though, so the opportunity is limited and I hope to get those shifts covered soon. If you don't make the "A" team you can always go for the "B" team, you never know when I might need to call you in off the bench and put you in the big game.


So if I were on the A team would that make me Number 1 for your Number 2?
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Postby Chai Guy » Fri Aug 19, 2005 2:39 pm

Badger- I was thinking more along the lines of a "take ticket" machine with an LED sign that says "NOW SERVING NUMBER _____"

Fishy- Love the idea, take it and run with it! I don't have any JOTs shyness I'll be ready to drop the kids off at the pool the moment I hit the playa.

Petalford- Will you be my Poop-Poet Laureate?

Top Cat- You'll always be my #1, #2 man!

I'm still waiting to hear back from the Producers of "Only in America"
http://times.discovery.com/convergence/onlyinamerica/videogallery/preview.html
on the Discovery Times Channel to if Charlie LeDuff will be able to "participate" in my theme camp by wiping my butt and filming it for his new Reality T.V. show "Only in America" featuring "..an eye-opening journey across the country to experience America's unique subcultures from the inside."

If you'd like to see Charlie wipe Chai Guy's Butt, then please let The Discovery Times Channel know your interest by contacting them!

http://extweb.discovery.com/viewerrelations
859-342-8439 (this is a toll call)
or mail them at:
Discovery Networks Viewer Relations
PO Box 665
Florence, KY, 41022
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Postby theCryptofishist » Fri Aug 19, 2005 2:42 pm

Who do you suppose has the next po box over?
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Postby stuart » Fri Aug 19, 2005 3:21 pm

the gift of your asshole, so silky and smooth
with this blessed 2-ply, residue I remove
wafting from below, desirous stinky groove
you must pick me chai, I'm the best behoove
call me baby
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LOl

Postby dj big E » Fri Aug 19, 2005 4:09 pm

Lol :D :lol: :D :lol:
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Postby theCryptofishist » Tue Aug 23, 2005 3:38 pm

Dang he left without telling us who the lucky bum was. Well, we'll always have the pictures he'll post when he gets back.
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Postby Mister Jellyfish Mister » Wed Sep 07, 2005 8:11 am

Chai Guy: I head you were out there and that you had not secured the correct individual for the job. With your permission, may I quote Heaven and Hell who aptly named the position:

"Ass Gimp"
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Postby Chai Guy » Thu Sep 08, 2005 10:35 pm

UPDATE:
I was so overwhelmed with responses that I could not choose just one person to wipe my ass for the week. Multiple people touched my bum, and it felt good. I think this experiment in radical reliance on others was a huge success.

Sure, getting playa hotties to come home with me while wearing a full diaper was a bit of a challenge, but nothing that a little patchouli and some smooth talkin' couldn't handle.

Remember kids, there is no task too personal, too disgusting or too degrading that you shouldn't try to con someone else into doing for you on the playa.
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Postby theCryptofishist » Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:32 am

Bump!
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Postby EvilDustBooger » Tue Jun 13, 2006 11:16 am

Can`t believe it`s been almost a year already.



Like Poop through a goose
so are the days of our lives.
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Postby Mister Jellyfish Mister » Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:23 pm

Time to start the ass gimp poetry again.
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Postby Mister Jellyfish Mister » Sun Jan 07, 2007 10:01 pm

*BUMP* ...YER BUTT!
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Postby robotland » Mon Jan 08, 2007 12:39 pm

In careful observance of this year's theme I suggest that whoever wipes my ass please use handfuls of grass clippings, lovingly dried and perhaps with a dash of patchouli. NO LEAVES, unless you can guarantee that they're as frangible as single-ply.

I, Green Man
My leafy phiz beseeches
Use not a pine cone within my breeches
Nor mussel shell assault my nether reaches
A stern lesson to my hinder their brutal surface teaches
Not unlike a cheese grater to mine tender features
And please avoid the use of furry woodland creatures!
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Postby theCryptofishist » Mon Jan 08, 2007 12:48 pm

*wave of nostalgia...*
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Postby Bin Noddin » Mon Jan 08, 2007 2:04 pm

So where are ChaiGuy and his butt, anyway?
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Postby Mister Jellyfish Mister » Mon Jan 08, 2007 2:59 pm

robotland wrote:In careful observance of this year's theme I suggest that whoever wipes my ass please use handfuls of grass clippings, lovingly dried and perhaps with a dash of patchouli. NO LEAVES, unless you can guarantee that they're as frangible as single-ply.

I, Green Man
My leafy phiz beseeches
Use not a pine cone within my breeches
Nor mussel shell assault my nether reaches
A stern lesson to my hinder their brutal surface teaches
Not unlike a cheese grater to mine tender features
And please avoid the use of furry woodland creatures!


More LOL poetry from Robotland! Yea for Fun!
Art cred: Georgie Boy 2011: www.mutantvehicle.com/georgie_boy.htm ; Ein Hammer 2010; Fluffer 2009; Zsu Zsu 2008; U-Me 2007; Mantis 2006; MiniMan and Pikes Of Paranoia 2005; Time Machine Mutant Vehicle 2004. www.MutantVehicle.com
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