most clueless burner

Share your pictures and video. Tell us about the sights, sounds, and scents, as well as the rumors and truths found at Burning Man.

Postby Lydia Love » Sun Sep 21, 2003 6:17 pm

You know what? You want to keep a thread on topic *you* have to create the impetus. You share a story bout the most clueless burner. Attacking someone else is shitty and ineffective.

and clueless.
It's all about the squirrels.
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OK here's a story sort of

Postby The Key Man » Sun Sep 21, 2003 6:47 pm

Lydia I do partially agree with you and thought about the contribution aspect while writing earlier post. As a BM newbie I was often the most clueless one around, so unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I can't exactly satisfy the topic, though I can tell a story that comes pretty close.

One late night I was driving to Southern California on the Grapevine, that nasty concrete ribbon that slices through the mountains between L.A. and the San Juaquin Valley, It was about 2 in the morning, the weather was foul - light rain and fog.

Somewhere near the summit I pulled off to gas up and stretch the old legs. As I pulled up to the self serve island I noticed an old van pulling in to other side, with two bedraggled looking long haired dudes inside.

As I stepped out to prepay and insert my nozzle, I could not help noticing that the two dudes was well into a loud shouting match. The bit I heard went like this:

"You fuckin' asshole!!! How could you have missed that! I mean shit. Jesus!!!! What a damn moron!!!"

His buddy replies "Well fuck you too!!! You were the guy who was lookin' at the goddamned map!! And then you slept five fuckin' hours while I drove, man!!! I'm goddam fried, don't blame me!!!"

Well what happened what that they were driving from the Bay Area to Oregon, but went the wrong way on the 5 and almost wound up in L.A., the cultural and geographical opposite. They'd have to U-turn north, 10 hours lost!

Perhaps they are Burners now, it's possible. Presumably like most of us they're older and wiser. But I swear it happened, I'll never forget it.
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Postby Borris » Sun Sep 21, 2003 7:12 pm

Hey, Get back on topic.

PJ where are those cow photos...
Shit, where was i for the last week... ehm...
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Postby Kinetic » Sun Sep 21, 2003 8:10 pm

Thread drift is one of the traditions of the old e-playa and one that I hope comes over here to some extent. It balances out some of the new e-playa restrictions by introducing a little more chaos to the mix.
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Postby Rob the Wop » Sun Sep 21, 2003 8:18 pm

In order to satisfy everyone's cow and ass fetish- someone should take the time to combine Trey's ass photo with the happy cow dude. I would, but a) I don't currently have both photos and b) I'm a lazy SOB.
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Postby Kinetic » Sun Sep 21, 2003 8:20 pm

Rob the Wop wrote:In order to satisfy everyone's cow and ass fetish- someone should take the time to combine Trey's ass photo with the happy cow dude. I would, but a) I don't currently have both photos and b) I'm a lazy SOB.


What a kinky group this is!
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Postby Lydia Love » Sun Sep 21, 2003 8:53 pm

It's already been done... on the old eplaya. Wait for the archives I guess.
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Postby antron » Sun Sep 21, 2003 9:10 pm

my runner-up nominee for least clueful burner was an interaction i witnessed during critical tits. i was straddling my bike on the main road out from center camp to the man. behind me i hear "look out, we're coming through" and these two wasted women were pedaling a barbed-wire covered bike-tank to join in the parade. there was quite a crowd at that particular junction, along with the parade in full swing. but they just kept pedaling and yelling. people shuffled as best they could to not be impaled on the wire. but this duo didn't stop pedaling. with one last row of people to go, they ran right into the back of a female spectator. her partner got really aggro back at the drivers, they screamed at each other, pretty much dampening the spirits of everyone witnessing this altercation. he reacted too strongly, and lost the sympathy of all around him. i think if he'd have responded more evenly, the whole crow would have flipped the tank on its side.

is it too much to ask for brakes and an aggression off button?
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Postby Papa Bear » Sun Sep 21, 2003 10:17 pm

I witnessed that too antrony, but I think we need a different category for the bike tank crew -- "clueless" isn't sufficient. In particular, the bitch driving seemed dead set on being as callous and belligerent as she possibly could.

As I recall, the initial exchange went something like:

Him: "Can't you wait a fucking second so people can move out of the way?"
Her: "It's Critical Tits! It's not about your fucking cock!"
Him: "It's not about ramming into people with barbed wire either, bitch!"

There was more after that I didn't catch, having been flat out stunned by the initial exchange, but I can't say he lost any sympathy here.
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Postby antron » Mon Sep 22, 2003 9:19 am

Papa Bear wrote:
Him: "Can't you wait a fucking second so people can move out of the way?"
Her: "It's Critical Tits! It's not about your fucking cock!"
Him: "It's not about ramming into people with barbed wire either, bitch!"


That was exactly the same interaction, including the non sequitur from her.
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Postby PJ » Mon Sep 22, 2003 9:25 am

antron wrote:Him: "Can't you wait a fucking second so people can move out of the way?"
Her: "It's Critical Tits! It's not about your fucking cock!"
Him: "It's not about ramming into people with barbed wire either, bitch!"



Sounds as though, in the interest of public safety, somebody needed to have their tires forcibly deflated.
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Postby Borris » Mon Sep 22, 2003 10:13 am

I have this feeling that next year I'll be carying several instant wheel deflators with me...
Shit, where was i for the last week... ehm...
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Postby precipitate » Mon Sep 22, 2003 1:28 pm

> several instant wheel deflators

Image
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Postby III » Mon Sep 22, 2003 1:34 pm

nice knife, except the clip is on the wrong way around...
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Postby Guest » Mon Sep 22, 2003 1:38 pm

III wrote:nice knife, except the clip is on the wrong way around...


...and while surely effective, it lacks the grandiose flair that I associate with BM. I was rather thinking of something like this morning star flail:

Image
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Postby precipitate » Mon Sep 22, 2003 1:40 pm

> except the clip is on the wrong way around...

Oh, bite me.

> morning star

Yeah. It's kinda hard to be stealthy with one of those, though. I prefer
to have that option.
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Postby Borris » Mon Sep 22, 2003 1:47 pm

the easiest for a car is a 1" cube with some 4" nails stuck in it at different sides. Bikes can be done with a medium knife or even with a lederman.
Shit, where was i for the last week... ehm...
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Postby DogBoy » Mon Sep 22, 2003 2:09 pm

You know that extra 1 foot piece of rebar? It does wonders to bike spokes...
"All you need in this world is ignorance & confidence, and then success is sure." -Mark Twain

"Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others." -Oscar Wilde
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Postby blyslv » Mon Sep 22, 2003 4:11 pm

TestesInSac wrote:abject radicalism.


This from the man who would put the Second amendment first in his party platform and didn't even include anything from the First.

Radicalism, harumph...
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Postby blyslv » Mon Sep 22, 2003 4:14 pm

Dunphy


[/quote]

Speaking of Dunphy, nobody showed up to collect the extra special bonus prize for provoking the longest post from him. It was either going to be Pets Until Eaten or someone else. But nobody showed up. So we drank it ourselves.
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Postby TestesInSac » Mon Sep 22, 2003 4:32 pm

blyslv wrote:
TestesInSac wrote:abject radicalism.


This from the man who would put the Second amendment first in his party platform and didn't even include anything from the First.

Radicalism, harumph...


Hell, I didn't mention any of the other amendments, either. I figure that with enough guns, all the other rights follow.

See? I'm no radical!
I am my own sock puppet.
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Re: Absolutely!! Wait,.. What?

Postby KurtRuckus » Mon Sep 22, 2003 6:54 pm

Lemiwinks wrote:I agree totally! Wait,... What am I agreeing with? I guess I should just trust you, right? Actually, thanks to child labor and the sweet suffering that comes along with it, my shoes are cheep! I get them when I'm in Thailand. $5.00 a pair for any shoe you can think of! That's the cool side of child abuse. How did this go from moist glueless burners to shoes? :?:



"Moist glueless burners" - Now there's an image.
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the Datepicker

Postby Guest » Mon Sep 22, 2003 8:44 pm

Take a trip back with me, to 2001.

A random Craigslist posting..."looking for nice people to camp with at Burningman..." A couple of email exchanges, and we decide the dude's at least not a mass murder, so we invite him to tag along. We get his life story, he went to college, then didn't get a job, then bummed around for a while, then didn't get a job, then went to Israel and picked dates on a kibbutz, came back, didn't get a job, wanted to go to the playa. Ok, whatever.

He needs a tent. We lend him a tent. Ok, not everyone's got a tent.

He needs a sleeping bag. Ditto.

We get to the playa, he camps with us, and does the "hang out in camp for a day, disappear for two days" thing. Fine. When he's in camp, he sleeps, and he smokes. He smokes a lot. In one of the MIA periods, someone in camp decided his new name was Datepicker. It stuck.

The week progresses, we leave, en masse, for the Burn, the Man burns, the Man falls, chaos, excited newbies, yadda yadda yadda, hey, let's all go dancing. The Datepicker disappears, hey, no big deal. Everyone stays out all nite, the usual.

We wake up Sunday, and start breaking down camp. No Datepicker. We take down a 25' dome. No Datepicker. We take down our stage. No Datepicker. We have lunch. You guessed it...no Datepicker. We pack EVERYTHING up except for his (borrowed) tent, and walk the site, get all the MOOP up, fuggit, we're outta here.

A couple of intrepid souls from camp start breaking down the Datepicker's borrowed tent, so we can get rolling. They go inside the unoccupied tent and are assaulted by cigarette haze, and find an estimated 14,342 cigarette butts. They clean up the cigarette butts, roll up the borrowed sleeping bag, and pull his stuff out of the tent. "His stuff" consists of one garment bag. Yes, a garment bag.

"Huh," we think. "That's a garment bag. On the playa."

Said garment bag is unzipped, so we look inside. It weighs a lot. We need to know. What's in it?

- 3 suits
- Cigarettes
- ...and two YELLOW PAGES books. The big metro ones. I forget which cities they were from.

It's now 2pm, we did a quick search of the area, didn't find him, packed up the rest of camp, and left the garment bag on site, with his bike laying on top of it.

----------

Flash forward. Nine months after the event, we get an email from him.

"Hey, where'd you guys go? I thought we were leaving on Monday."

Ah, the Datepicker...
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Postby Badger » Mon Sep 22, 2003 8:47 pm

That's close to being THE Most Cluelss Burner to date.
.
Desert dogs drink deep.

Image
.
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Oh God

Postby Zona » Mon Sep 22, 2003 9:38 pm

That is such a cool story.....just has to be true....no way to make that stuff up. I loved it! Wow, that man strange and clueless!
Laika and me went on a ride.
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Postby Flux » Tue Sep 23, 2003 12:54 pm

OregonRed wrote:lmao is not a comma...find another way to express yourself.

OregonRed, I have an e-playa gift for you! :D

The big E isn't going to change anytime soon so, for those afflicted with lmaolexia (a learning disability characterized by the inability to read the letters "lmao" as a comma), allow me to introduce...

The dj big "E" translation engine!

Download this 20KB Windows executable by going here < ftp://djbigE:lmao@gcarter.no-ip.info/ > and dragging the file lmao.exe to your desktop (or wherever you want to put it). Copy dj big "E" posts to the clipboard (select text and type Ctrl-C), then run the program. If the text is already in the textbox, just click the "lmao" button. Otherwise, click in the text box and paste the text (Ctrl-V) there. "cya soon" exits the program.

Enjoy!

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Postby Guest » Tue Sep 23, 2003 1:21 pm

Flux wrote: The dj big "E" translation engine!


Love the auto-translate if the msg is already in the clipboard...nice feature.

Flux...you rock.
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Postby consumer » Tue Sep 23, 2003 1:29 pm

Ok, who's going to make a proxy server out of Flux's translator?
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Postby JezebelinHell » Wed Sep 24, 2003 6:59 am

Wow, this is my first day back on the board since the change/update, and everybody's still talking about the lmao as punctuation. That brings me back. All I need is that hand in the cow's ass picture and it'll be just like old times.

As for everyone who ran out of cigarettes, stop by Shortfuse and ask for Miki. My BM rule is, calculate how many cigarettes you smoke in an average week, and bring at least seven times that many. I've made many many friends that way.

Most clueless burner award goes to: the guy we drove past at the gate who was trying to trade a FUCKING NUG OF WEED for a ticket. That's just wrong.
"The future is a whore, she promises herself to everyone."
--Poe
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Postby Ivy » Wed Sep 24, 2003 7:25 am

Speak of the devil...

We were just talking about you.
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