Suicidal Tendencies

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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby maryanimal » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:15 pm

((((TinkerMom))))

+ priceless
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:19 pm

Hi Tinkermom! I don't see any thread drift here! I'm too spent now, but I'll be back to your post.

Hi Mary Ann!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby gaminwench » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:38 pm

Elliot, I'd like to speak to your on-stage metaphor...

I spend my life in performance...
teaching,
leading workshops,
singing,
acting...

whenever I am involved as a character in a play,
the cast of the play becomes the immediate 'family'...
one's 'ups & downs' become part of the family's experience... for 6 to 8 weeks...
then closing night, followed immediately by 'strike' -
tearing down the set and putting the costumes and props into storage
the 'family' experiences love, and sorrow, as a whole...

then the next weekend comes -
no play,
no family,
no closeness...

a big, black hole of alone...

after 35 years of this, I've learned that the best remedy is the next project...

Say YES to the future,
Say YES to your friends,
Say YES,YES,YES...

Love to you Elliot,
and eplaya,
and *** bless us, every one!

j
"the prophecies of doom were better last year" trilo
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby maryanimal » Sun Nov 20, 2011 9:31 pm

Ive been fighting my Bipolar issues for many years. I always thought is was just me who couldn't deal with my lifes foibles and quirks. And I was right! It's been one heck of a long road from my early 20's until I was properly diagnosed just a few years ago. I was like,"Yeah!...uh...wait a minute!!" At least I finally knew why I was so depressed at time and others so manic, I was doing some really stupid stuff, like putting myself into situations that were dangerous. I thought I had to work hard and concentrate on dealing with the unknown. Who in the heck can concentrate when your thoughts are racing faster than a speed trial on the Salt Flats? I've been in a down hill slide for the past 3 years and until a year ago, I went headlong into my own personal La Brea Tar Pits! (a Los Angeles reference)

I'm not making light of such a serious concern. It's just one of my coping mechanisms. If I get too seriuos, it makes me numb. I was on the way home from Seacompression, and I was at a very low place. I decided I was going to drive my car off a bridge that crosses the Columbia River. I felt so calm and peaceful. as I approached the bridge and started my new journey, I thought about my mom, and then how scared I was. I'm afraid of heights and I can't swim well. I still have the marks on my tires from jumping the curbs. I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, but this is the first time I ever acted on one.

I think my biggest issue is the stigma that comes with being Bipolar. "There goes that crazy chick!" or, "I'd never be with anyone who's Bipolar". It's not having someone taking a chance on you whether it's with a friendship, a job, or love. I don't dwell on it anymore...well, not lately anyway. Accept me or not.*shrugs*

Elliot and Tink....huggggs. I want to...no...I need to thank you...just because.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sun Nov 20, 2011 9:35 pm

Hey Gaminwench!

Sure hope you didn't catch my influenza or whatever it was there in Ventura?! Been fretting that I might have sneezed on you or something and made you sick, because I'm just getting over it; bad bug. Hope you are fine. (Plus I hate guilt.)

I probably observed some of the end-of-the-run phenomenon that you mention, because my mother was a "star of stage and screen". She largely retired while I was still young, but still.

Yes! Onward to the next project! In my case, both the scope and the nature of this new project is... unclear, to put it mildly. Rehashing Death of a Salesman ain't gonna cut it.

But what do I do when I was already "walking around with a rope in my hand" while the last production was still running to full houses and glowing critiques? That seems to be my situation. Kind'a like the classic happy clown who is actually a walking tragedy under the greasepaint. That's sort'a how I feel.

I have plenty of Next Projects right here in my barn. I walk out there and look at them, smile, then walk back in the house and sit down and sigh.

One of Mom's colleagues hanged himself backstage.

--------------------------

Stupid thing: My mother the actress never encouraged me to take up her art or anything like it. It was more like she was just punching a clock down there at the repertory company. Weird. Oh, I sort'a grew up backstage when I was small, playing with the flood light gels, but....

So.... so.... Sounds like I might be looking for a rookie theater troupe in BRC in 2012? I'm being hammered by PM to commit to BM 2012, but I keep pointing out that this is premature.

--------------------------
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sun Nov 20, 2011 9:39 pm

Accept me or not.*shrugs*


You have to ask? Around here?

More later, Maryanimal. My brain is on Overload. Full speed at the Bonneville Salt Flats indeed.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby maryanimal » Sun Nov 20, 2011 9:43 pm

Elliot wrote:
Accept me or not.*shrugs*


You have to ask? Around here?

More later, Maryanimal. My brain is on Overload. Full speed at the Bonneville Salt Flats indeed.


I was thinking I wish I had a place for projects and such. Wouldn't know what I'd do with it but it would be nice to figure it out! I'm thinking about painting, and doing some drawing again.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sun Nov 20, 2011 10:57 pm

All right, this is the Totally Open Thread. The Last Place on Earth for Mind Games. So.... I'm going to say it straight out that I smell a small furry animal trying to sneak into my big roomy art barn in Clearlake. :D :D :D

At least, all things considered, that's how it reads to me. Sure hope you don't hate my guts now, Mary Ann, because I sure don't have anything against you!

This thread would get boring with just me dying at the end of the month. A whiff of an office romance ought to be acceptable.

Gaaawd, I hope Maryanimal is a sport about this! I also hope I didn't read it totally wrong.

Anyroad, if I'm right, that was Deeply Sweet in the First Degree, with Red Ribbons and Oak Leaf Clusters. Let's take it to PM now.

Dang, talk about feeling flattered. Smart girl like that, hitting on me?....

-----------------------
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby FIGJAM » Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:10 pm

(Sending MA a custard pie)
"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby maryanimal » Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:30 pm

I LOVE custard pies!! Thanks Figgy!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby maryanimal » Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:37 pm

Why Elliot, you silver-tounged devil!! No worries! I don't hate you, or anyone for that matter! I was envious of your Art Barn. I wish I had space in my storage spot. But it's too cold for painting anything. I have watercolor pencils I'm learning how to use. I do better, dark art when I'm depressed. Hmmmm, so did Vicent Van Gogh, my favorite artist. But I think I'll keep my ear!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:47 pm

Whoa. That was close. :lol:
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:40 am

All right, time for the evening roundup, where we return to the unpleasant reality of this thread as currently practiced.

I'm sitting here thumbing thru my recently acquired copy of Final Exit. Wouldn't really need it of course -- people were offing themselves long before the printing press was even a glint in Gutenberg eye. But I would want to leave as little mess as possible.

What will happen on the last day of this month, when my stay-alive promise expires? Will my front yard fill up with first responders rescuing me from my impending suicide, summoned by you? I have not even thought that far ahead. Let's just get a good night's sleep now, and see what tomorrow brings.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Sham » Mon Nov 21, 2011 3:40 am

I have a crazy idea here. Why don't Elliot and Maryanimal meet at the McDonald's restaurant halfway between both, and get Happy Meals? What's a little cholesterol boost among friends? :shock: :shock:
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby moonrise » Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:14 am

The book Final Exit is not meant for people suffering from depression.

We all have regrets Elliot, and after speaking to you on the phone a couple of times I feel I have a much better understanding of where you're coming from. I do not want to overwhelm you in this post. However, please think about our conversations. Please find some burner company, there is a difference between burner and non-burner company. I never expected to discover this myself, but I did. I'm hyper sensitive, learning to be open and honest with trusted burner friends, in slow doses, for me, that has been a tremendous, positive force in my life. 8)

You're invited to my birthday party, but uh, it's during burn week, I'm not touching that one, you're decision, but wow it would be great if you made it. I have another party planned, it'll be after the burn, you told me you'd enjoy coming to that one, I'll conisder that a yes and save you a place at my house party. Date is TBA.


Love,
Moonman 8)

Artist Hib Beh added the man to Moon. "Moonman" I kinda like it.

ETA I think more burners would respond than First responders. And yes, MA is a sweet dear woman, perhaps a really really good match? :oops:
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Mon Nov 21, 2011 7:20 am

6 AM

Darn it, where is a thunderous blast of flatulence when I need it?

A midnight telephone call (otherwise pleasant ) triggered a nervous response in my digestive system. I feel like the Hindenburg -- overinflated and looking for a spark to set it off and get it all over with. So, any ten-year-old boys wanting to hear some epic noise, come on over!

But... I suppose I'll just take some tums and try to get back to sleep. If this doesn't resolve itself, I may be grouchy later today.

-----------------------------

Correct, Final Exit is definitely not intended for my purpose. I bought it anyway. Sue a dead man.

-----------------------------

Dawn patrol: The above attempt at humor hopefully suggests to the reader that I am alive and inclined to stay that way for the day. (I want to hear this fart myself, it it will only happen. We're guys. We blow things up. Rrrrrrrr.)
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby ygmir » Mon Nov 21, 2011 7:20 am

Hey Elliot!!!
Looneytune really wants to pick your brain about "bus stuff"......but, he's dealing with his grandson who's undergoing treatment for leukemia, and not doing so well, at the moment, and his daughter, a single mom with a sick, sick boy.
It'll be a few weeks before we can get over there, when the boy gets home and stable and all that.
I'm hoping to pick up those oh so cool light bars, at the same time.

So.....if you'd do him, and me the kindness to be there.
Thanks

Yggy
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby ygmir » Mon Nov 21, 2011 7:22 am

haha, we were posting at the same time!!!

*scurries to find gas mask*
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Mon Nov 21, 2011 8:09 am

7 AM

Dang it again. Too cold in the house this morning to masturbate. I would have to get intimate with an electric space heater, and my body is too hairy to risk that.

-------------------------

Yes, I need gas-X, not tums. But have none.

------------------------

Yes Ygmir, I'll probably be there. *long pause. stares blankly at screen* But I DO want this discussion to continue as if I will probably not be.

------------------------

Anybody seen tears dripping out of their screens the last few days? I've been wearing rubber boots here. Almost feels good, in a wimpy sort'a way.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Mon Nov 21, 2011 8:59 am

A request has arrived for clarification: Am I really considering killing myself, or is this thread just an example of performance art?

Answer: I am really considering killing myself. But this thread would die even faster than my dangling corpse if it were not at least minimally engaging to read, so I'm trying to toss in the occasional wise crack. Gallows humor may be encountered beyond this point.

---------------------------

A thank you. This thread is free of snark. It would be rather easy to, say, point out that this is the world's most egotistical thread, ever. Nobody is doing it. Thank you.

---------------------------

A thought. So... the rest of this month goes by, and the projected day of my suicide arrives. Being a showman at heart, could I possibly do anything less than proceed to kill myself? Think about it.

...Or for some less logical reason, like "I'll show'em"? Luckily, I'm desperate, not stupid. (Of course, I wouldn't know, would I! :lol: Same with sanity. :? )

--------------------------

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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby theCryptofishist » Mon Nov 21, 2011 11:08 am

10:08 am
I should probably running around looking up lake county emergency services and telling them that someone is having a psychotic break (evidence, cannot tell self from doomed inanimate object), but I just find the Hindenburg charming in a whimsical sort of way...
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Mon Nov 21, 2011 11:17 am

That's the first time I have heard the Hindenburg disaster described as whimsical, but whatta hey! :lol:

Time to try going thru unanswered posts in a systematic manner again. So please stand by until the floor reopens.

And if I fail to reply to something, including PM, let me know. If you can imagine, my mind is not entirely well organized these days.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Mon Nov 21, 2011 11:41 am

TinkerMom wrote:Oh, Elliot..... I get what your saying and feeling.
I am ADD,ADHD,OCD,and whateverelse you can think of. My friends ask, how can you have time to be
depressed? You are always going at the speed of sound. But it's in me.

I read this some where. And it just seems to fit here.
We go through our lives with our psychic guards up, there’s too many people and it’s too risky to be open to everything and everybody all the time. But you go out to Burning Man, and everybody’s walking around with their guards down … everybody’s psychically open, and the energy just moves freely between people, and well, it just happens. Whatever you’re sending out, somebody’s picking up.
So I say, “Now, think of what would happen if people lived like that all the time, right? What would the world look like? What would that do to human potential? That’s what we’re doing out there … the Burning Man experience shows people what it can be like, and hopefully they bring it back with them to the real world even a little bit, and it stretches human possibility that much more....

I'm starting to understand that depression isn't being miserable all the time it's finding less and less shine in anything.

YES, IT CAN BE LIKE THAT.




the slow and steady decline in life till quality is just breaking even, like a heroin addict has to take it just to feel normal, depression is taking crap because its better than nothing. When you pretend being excited about simply not failing in the simplest of things is the high point of your life to date and when you get home on payday and dont have enough to eat And get to work next week let alone do anything fun.



When your choice is to go to burning man and have a week when you cant get it wrong because there is no way to get it wrong or spend 52 weeks a year getting wrong because you never get it right, it's not really a choice is it?


I LIKE THIS.





And this was on my FB wall this morning...
Did you know the people that are usually the strongest are usually the most sensitive ?
Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated ?
Did you know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most ?
Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry , and Help me ?
Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their genuine smile and see how much pain they may be in.

THIS IS TOO MUCH EVEN FOR ME TO READ TWICE. SPEECHLESS. TAKING A BREAK





The culture of acceptance, creativity, experimentation, self
reliance, self sacrifice and fun bring out the best in me.

There are times when I'm jaded and times when I'm thriving but through
out all of that the culture still encourages me to be a better me on a
regular bases.


Sorry to drift your thread Elliot. But I ramble on as you do. I have no circle to comlpete either.
Bestest to you!!! (((((Elliot)))))
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Mon Nov 21, 2011 11:48 am

AT THIS MOMENT MY LIFE CHANGED.

My friends Peter & Jerri just called. I had shielded them. They found out. (They are burners) They are coming (just 90 miles) to "kidnap" me to their house in Davis, CA. This happens today.

VITAL INFORMATION FOR YOU: I will now be safe, but I will be off line. I'm taking my puter password with me, but I'm pretty much puter illiterate. I'm hooking up a telephone answering machine -- outgoing message only, I think.

I'm putting a not on my front door, telling where I am.

The crisis is over. I am not committing suicide this year.

bbut I will still need you all.

I'll try to post more before I leave the house this afternoon.

Elliot Naess
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby theCryptofishist » Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:05 pm

I'm glad, and I hope that time away, around people who love and accept you will be good.
You know where to find us--and there's always internet cafes.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby FIGJAM » Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:31 pm

Fess up Elliot.

Yo're just leaving to get away from my PM diatribes! :P

From cradle to grave, CHOICE IS.

I'm on your side. 8)
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby wh..sh » Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:37 pm

If any of you die, I will promise to delete your browser history. I hope you guys would do the same for me.
In my world there's only legible and more legible.

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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby moonrise » Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:41 pm

Very good news! My advice is to be open and honest with Peter and his wife.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby lucky420 » Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:47 pm

Take care Elliot....things will get better.

look around at all these fuckos who love and care about you.
Oh my god, it's HUGE!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby maryanimal » Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:08 pm

*dances around Elliot** That is the best news!! Yay!! *hughughug*
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