Jan_14 wrote:I should have posted to the suicidal tendencies thread long ago.
I've been feeling this way for so long...I've been doing stuff to get through each day, but it's been over a year of daily crying spells and aother psychiatric symtoms that shouldn't be ignored.
I've actually had a detailed suicide plan for some time now, spent months aquiring means...but each time I started to actually act on the impulse/thoughts, I thought of my family and others I care about and talked myself into waiting a few more days, another week....etc. I've been doing that for months.
That's why I was so happy about the holidays in the first place...I wanted it to be perfect so then I wouldn't have to feel so guilty leaving my family (total bullshit, I know, I call my own bullshit on this one! ...but still, it's how I felt. It was to be my last and best Thansksgiving, then Christmas...and now I'm still alive and have nothing on my immediate horizon to latch to in this manner, thus it is time to finally succumb to hospitalization.ThreadReply wrote:One question you can ask yourself when you feel resistant to help is, "How good is my way working?"
That's excellent...thank you for putting that into those words, that really does help!
Right now my way is NOT working...so either I need to change my way (ie try something else myself) or ask someone else for a suggestion of a different way (ie professional/other help)...
Jan_14 wrote:ThreadReply wrote:Find one thing, anything, that is worth doing/experiencing. From as simple as watching a tree outside your window, listening to a bird or to a song on the radio you haven't heard in a while. Then watch for the next thing. You never know what it will be.
Thanks! That really helped. I was even able to apply that to pain management, just finding one part of my body (a small section of ONE finger) that didn't hurt...then focusing on that, on what that felt like, then did a meditation to see if I could make the feeling expand to other parts of my body. By the end of the meditation, I was able to find other parts of my body that also didn't hurt, and reduced my sensitivity to the parts that did hurt.
ThreadReply wrote:Staring into the abyss can be NASTY. One doen'rt care a whit for advice and you do self-destructive and impulsive things. It's brought more than one of us down to suicidal impulses that have been unfortunately fulfilled. Add snark sometimes and it's like a kick off the edge. And then the downhill ride accelerates and you crash to the bottom like Wile E. Coyote hitting the bottom of the canyon, going splat and then getting up looking like a broken accordion.Jan_14 wrote:Thanks. I thought it was only me that felt that way, and that it was because I've been so "broken." I know that I have been taking things personally, been way overly sensitive, etc....which makes it hard for me to tell when someone really is being rude vs me just being crazy. This has lead to me always blaming myself, no matter the context, leading to pain and isolation, etc...
...sometimes snark can hurt, sometimes it's funny-it's all in the perspective of the person receiving it (how they think the other person meant it). -you never know when snark is going to be received as funny or be the last straw for someone. I'm not saying that because I am currenty taking things that personally, but because I have felt the pain of being so alone, so on the edge of dispaire when any little thing could mean the difference between getting help or dying...just think before you post snark; and if you take something as snarky/hurtful, then try to take a step back and breathe, know that even if that person doesn't like you-which in most cases they probably do and are just joking with you-.but even if they dont, fiine, there ARE eplayians, family, and other people who DO love/appreciate me/"you" , and I need to focus on that, what they see in me, what I see positive in myself, and not get soo caught up in trying to make sure other people like me (protective against being abused...).
Also I think that eplayians are generally caring people-IF/when I am clear enough in saying "I need help" instead of dancing around the bush and saying everything but those three words and expecting people to get it. *sigh*Jan_14 wrote:Thanks!!! That's excellent! I love it!ThreadReply wrote:Whenever I felt it was time to make that "Final Choice", I always thought "something exciting might happen tomorrow and I would miss it".
Do that long enough and thoughts and feelings change.
I had been doing something similar by finding _x_ to look forward to...but I forgot to look forward to the unknown, to the possibilities, to magic...to life. I'd become so fearful...of everything. Of leaving the house, of talking, of being misunderstood, of how much pain i MIGHT have tomorrow/next year/etc...negative thinking leads to negative outcomes. Positive thinking leads toward positive things. Wonderous/imaginative/creative thinking leads to including magic/happistances into everyday. You get the picture.
...and yes, you can pick and choose, combine, get stuck in ruts, unstuck from ruts, etc. It's a jumble. Sometimes you pick, sometimes you pick what to do with the hand you're dealt...Jan_15 wrote:Feeling better, glad to be alive. Thank you all for helping with that.
It took a lot to get here (dedication to trying/retrying DBT skills, having support from friends/family/eplayians, seeing my psychiatrist, changing meds, keeping up to date with therapy, and much much more...). It is not one thing that got me "out of the woods," but I would like to point out that sometimes all it takes is trying one more thing-because even if that one extra thing isn't THE thing, it combines with everything else you already tried and might just be enough to make life worth it again.
Thanks to everyone who helped me get here.