Suicidal Tendencies

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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:15 pm

One more thing....

Who can draw? We need a rectangle with a window off to one side, and an elephant in the rest.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby delle » Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:21 pm

Elliot wrote:...and get your butt -- and Kenny's -- to Burning Man! :D



Actually, it's kind of interesting.

By the end of my first session with my psychologist, he kind of kicked back and said "It sounds kind of like you've sucked every bit of joy out of your life. Tell me about something that you've done that gave you the biggest joy."

Well, what the fuck's a learned girl to do? I started spewing on about Burning Man. How it wasn't just an event. It was an event that required real thinking and doing. One that infused creativity and interesting problem solving and hard work and just plain silliness into your entire year, culminating in a week of indescribable. It was an event that coloured every day and night and dream and encounter throughout the entire year.

He stopped me midstream and declared that the solution was simple and prescribed a return to Burning Man.

My doctor agreed wholeheartedly.

Therapy, they called it.

Who'm I to disagree with THAT!!!!

So yeah. I shall be amongst you -- the most willing of patients -- soaking up all your good medicine and showering you with my gratitude that I was afforded yet again the opportunity to do so.



And some booze. I'll also shower you with some of that.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby delle » Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:31 pm

Savannah wrote:(((((Delle)))))

I'm glad you're on the upswing.

. . . I probably yammered about this once before, but I was fascinated by the idea, so I will risk repeating myself.

I read once that for some reason the human brain has a difficult time comprehending / allowing for the possibility of positive emotional change. We are wired to default to a belief that everything a person feels at a moment in time will Always Be.

It made a shit-ton of sense to me. Everyone I've ever known who felt awful feels like it will be forever. And sometimes, the smarter a person is the more certain they can be, because aren't they so often right about other things? But certainty itself is sometimes more emotion than fact. Another thing I've read in some science-y place I cannot at the moment recall. ;) Certainty is often an emotion, a feeling. We all know people who have been powerfully certain--and powerfully wrong. (To acknowledge that it is possible is actually a huge relief.)

So--all bets are off. These are volatile emotions and chemicals. We can't really know they are forever at all. Emotional permanence is just a powerful illusion. Here's to upswings on the roller coaster, and turns in the road.



This is extremely powerful. Thank you.

Most of my trouble came from deciding that "IT is what IT is" rather than doing something to change IT.

Up until that point I was fine. IT became a killjoy that just sucked the life out of me -- and Mr. Delle. We were withering away into a pretty sad state of affairs.

IT is not so important that it can't be replaced with something that doesn't do that, if IT won't agree to certain terms that I now have become painfully aware ARE NOT FRIVOLOUS.

Because they're not.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:35 pm

My darkest hour was a couple months after I missed the 2011 Event. Coincidence?
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby delle » Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:40 pm

I think not.

Beware folks, of the stronghold BM takes on your psyche. It is not replaceable with mere cheezies.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby theCryptofishist » Sat Aug 17, 2013 6:37 pm

I'm depressed because of the damn politics that surround burningman. It's been really bad today. put through the wringer...

I'm not sure why I'm going this year.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Savannah » Sat Aug 17, 2013 6:54 pm

theCryptofishist wrote:I'm depressed because of the damn politics that surround burningman. It's been really bad today. put through the wringer...

I'm not sure why I'm going this year.


Because you have hope, even if you don't want to look directly at it, and cause it to flee.

(That's a guess.)
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Elliot » Sat Aug 17, 2013 6:56 pm

delle wrote:...

Beware folks, of the stronghold BM takes on your psyche. It is not replaceable with mere cheezies.

It could be any activity that fulfills the mind's need for rewarding challenges. Worst thing we can do is retire to the couch and the TV. Me, I also have Kinetic Sculpture Racing.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby delle » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:06 pm

Savannah wrote:
theCryptofishist wrote:I'm depressed because of the damn politics that surround burningman. It's been really bad today. put through the wringer...

I'm not sure why I'm going this year.


Because you have hope, even if you don't want to look directly at it, and cause it to flee.

(That's a guess.)


Hope is such a strong word. It opens all the possibilities.
Is there anything that opens more possibilities in our day-to-day life?

Politics be damned. They're not the magic.

It's the magic that pulls the heart back every year, and you are central in it.

Central!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby theCryptofishist » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:21 pm

Sometimes I think that my heart has been trampled by the multitudes in grand central station...
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby delle » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:30 pm

But wouldn't that just make the individuals at Burning Man that much sweeter?
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby theCryptofishist » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:34 pm

They were among the tramplers...
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby delle » Sat Aug 17, 2013 8:08 pm

Quarter turn and 3 steps?
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby theCryptofishist » Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:35 pm

Are you trying to make this into a polka thing?
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby maryanimal » Sat Aug 17, 2013 10:08 pm

my fishyfriend, hold your dearest friends closest to you. They are there. I have found this is true.
Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby gyre » Sun Aug 18, 2013 7:45 pm

Hope you're better, Delle.

Been reading some research on the nature of consciousness, Giacino and Schiff.
They found someone now using ambien to stay awake, as in conscious, out of the coma.
Such are drugs.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Jax Dee » Wed Aug 28, 2013 3:05 am

So everyone is off at the burn. My husband and son are sleeping down the hall. I am sitting awake in the living room, crying quietly, again. I do this every night. I don't remember exactly when it started. A few months ago. I do my best to hide. My hubby knows I'm not right. I won't come to bed anymore. I don't remember the last time we had sex. I know it's the longest I've ever gone. I don't feel anything anymore. If I let myself feel...rage and anxiety come swimming up so fierce that I want to puke. That I want to burn it all down. I am frightened at how crippled I've become. I am frightened by how angry I am. Nothing feels okay. Yet I can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong. Everything? I stared at the suicide hotline number tonight before I decided to get online and reread all 35 pages of this thread. Was that me posting earlier this year? I don't even know that person. I lie thru my teeth on FB and in therapy and every single day letting everyone think I'm fine. What is fine? What is okay? Is numb a good day? When did that become a good day? When can I stop please? My sons birthday is today. He is 10. I packed him a special lunch with a card that plays a birthday song in armpit noises. I will smile and hug him and fake fine all day again until everyone is asleep. Then I will sit here quietly in the living room again and wait for it to stop. When can I stop?
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby gyre » Wed Aug 28, 2013 4:01 am

Jax, I don't know what you should do, but it seems you have to start by telling the truth to someone besides us about what is going on with you.
I hope that will help, even though it won't be easy to do.

Start with someone, your therapist maybe?
Keep trying!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Jax Dee » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:07 am

I'm kinda starting here as my baby step cause I feel safe here. A lot of this is rooted in my physical deterioration and the loss of hope that becomes pervasive after so long with no relief in sight. My anxiety has gotten so bad that if I hear my phone ring I have a panic attack and start throwing up. Leaving the house is almost impossible. I haven't been able to see my therapist in two weeks due to illness. I can't stand noise, light, anyone touching me. I've started wearing earplugs and an eye mask while I huddle somewhere in the apartment. Part of that is migraines but a lot is just total agoraphobia and anxiety. I'm not really eating or sleeping which just makes everything worse. I clearly need medical help. Did I mention I have a crippling phobia of doctors and hospitals? And anyway, I'm not allowed to get sick or go crazy. I have to be mommy and wife and sane. The more I fake being alright for my kid tho the more crazy I go the minute he isn't around. I feel like I'm trapped in this circle of futility. My poor husband tries his best but he can't be home all the time. I managed to call and try to get some in home assistance for people with disabilities but I can't afford it, yet I have too much money for state assistance. I can barely walk or get out of bed most days. Yet when I do have a good day, my anxiety traps me in the house just as effectively. I'm depressed but most of all I'm furious. I feel like I need to be numb or else the rage will consume me. I don't expect an answer or help. I just wanted a safe place to vent the utter worthlessness that is my life right now. I read old posts and wonder what happened to that intelligent, strong, resilient woman? My life is so good now, I have so many things that should make me so happy, but I feel like I am trapped in this broken body and I am so ridiculously angry that I can't enjoy the wonderful things I've worked so damn hard for.

Dammit I deserve to live my life not be stuck watching it pass me by...and this is why I don't ask for help. What the fuck does anyone care? What is anyone else gonna do? I'm just some whiny bitch that needs to get over it. There are people out there with real problems. Clearly if I wasn't such an awful person I wouldn't be so sick. If I was good and deserving then I would have proper medical care. If I was a better person then people I thought were friends wouldn't abandon me. I must be a bad person to have such bad karma. I should find religion cause God and prayer will make it all right. Maybe if I had a better attitude I wouldn't be in such pain. I should be seeing a doctor, or a shrink, or a priest, or an acupuncturist, and why aren't I eating an all organic raw veggie gmo free prepared by a special nutritionist diet?! I mean, it must all be my fault right? Just get the fuck over it already Jax! Try harder!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Jax Dee » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:19 am

Oh let's not forget that if I ask for help I'm just a drama queen who's exaggerating. I mean, no one who is this sick and under regular medical care could possibly be having any problems. I mean, I'm so strong and calm, I'll get through it with hard work and perseverance. I need to suck it up. I'm white and middle class so I have nothing to worry about. Just pay pay pay for more doctors, more meds, more treatments, surgery, a maid, childcare, a cook. Yeah.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Jax Dee » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:23 am

Let's not forget about my mother in law's neighbor's friend's cousin twice removed that has the same problem and they're just fine. I should see their doctor and take that medicine and try that therapy. Then I'll be perfectly fine again too.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby jkisha » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:25 am

Show this thread to your husband so he can tell your therapist to read it. How do you expect to heal without being honest with the people that are there to help you?
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Jax Dee » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:31 am

Also also also...ugh. I'm just fucking over it right now. I'm just tired. Can I please be tired? I don't want help. I want a nap. I want health insurance that actually pays for something. I want my meds to not cause me to vomit every day. I want one day, ONE DAY, without pain. I want a sandwich. I want a doctor who doesn't condescend. I want a do over for the last 10 years I've patiently been living this hell. I want to whinge online like everybody else in the world and it be acceptable. I want this comedy of tragedies to give it a rest already. I want off the damn ride!
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby gyre » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:35 am

Rest.
Then try it again.

Try to get outside at least once a day, if you can.
I hope you fell better.
Being tired is hard.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Jax Dee » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:37 am

And this is why I just should keep my mouth shut so all the vitriol doesn't spill out onto the innocent bystanders. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby gyre » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:39 am

It's okay, Jax.
Really
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Canoe » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:56 am

Jax Dee wrote:...I'll get through it with hard work and perseverance. I need to suck it up. ...

Doesn't work that way. But you already know that, right?
Tens if not hundred's of thousands are in the same boat every year. It doesn't have to be that way.
You need to find the energy to find professional resources. Professionals should be able to help you interact with them in spite of any difficulties you have. It's part of what they do. Some are better than it than others. You have to be persistent in pursuing any available resources (like that's easy right now... but do it anyway).
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby jkisha » Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:48 am

Make sure you sign up for The Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) as soon as your state's exchange opens. Hopefully, October first.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby gyre » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:25 am

Hang in there, Jax.
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Postby Box Burner » Wed Aug 28, 2013 12:50 pm

(((((((((((((((((((Jax)))))))))))))))))))))

You are worth more than you know. And you are valued.

Sending Love and positive vibrations your way.

((((((((((((((smooch)))))))))))))

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