Since I got a lot out of the post playa depression thread, and hope a lot of other people did too. And I have found such a supportive community here, (really, yeah there are problems, but for the most part it's a good group) I am creating this thread for those of us who get a little blue over the holidays. I'll start:
2 days ago I got an email from an old friend of mine from high school. At first I was delighted, but the conversation gradualy dragged me down. I have a lot I need to get done in the real world, but Can't seem to drag myself away from the computer, partialy because I was harhly accused of "Midwest Bashing" and partialy because some old wounds were brought up that I thought had healed. Then whenI finaly did get away today, to hang out with my neighbor, my attempts to console her, (she is expecting her second baby and is homesick for Canada, among other things) worked, but brought me down, too! *sigh*
I realized I have not celebrated Christmas with my family since 1997. Which would somehow be less sad if I actualy wanted to see them. Even in 97 I stayed only because of my brother, David, and left home, forever, the next day. My mom recently sold that house. I hope the new family has a wonderful holiday there. I never did.
I wish there was a part of me that wanted to go back. I wish that I could belive that somehow, christmas is a magical time celebrating the birth of the son of "god", who would save us all, but that is just not my path. I'm sorry. I deeply admire devout christians, I just can't be one. And although I am happy with the path I am on, I can't help but feel sad and empty this time of year. I know some people feel that Haunakka is blown out of proportion to compete with Christmas, but to me, it is just easier to celebrate a minor miracle than a big one, I CAN belive that the oil lasted for 8 days, I think that is why so many non jews have glomped on to it, after all, who hasn't had the gas in the tank just barely make it to the station, or a bandana blow up to them the day they ran out of face masks?
(obscure eplaya self reference)
To me, Christmas and Thanksgiving happened already, the monday after the burn out on the playa, with those of us who were left after a long day and night packing up our large theme camp. (many said too large for the core group, there was a lot of yelling and frustration) We sat arond a cloth covered pallate and shared the last of our food and a ripe bottle of port that was left at our camp as a gift. I told my friends how happy I had been to share this experience with them, how happy I was that they had welcomed me into thier home so many times, how gratefull I was for what they were doing, carving out a little art and performance space in the tenderloin district. How the fighting and the work and the suffering meant more to me than they could ever know and what a beautiful thing they had created out of Kaos <sic> (you know what I'm talking about)
So I feel better now that I have shared, I invite anyone who needs to do the same, and we can all be both miserable and redeemed together. If you don't feel like sharing with the list, but you need to anyway, PM me. Please respect people's holiday stories, even if they seem silly to you. Even something that SEEMS small can be magnified this time of year.
I took the road less traveled, and now I would like to go back and find the paved one.