If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relationship.

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If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relationship.

Postby The Bruce » Sat Apr 14, 2012 10:27 am

Thats what my best friends girlfriend told him when he got a ticket and she didnt. We all went to BM last year and now this year she didnt get a ticket so he cant go either. Is that reasonable?
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby ygmir » Sat Apr 14, 2012 10:33 am

The Bruce wrote:Thats what my best friends girlfriend told him when he got a ticket and she didnt. We all went to BM last year and now this year she didnt get a ticket so he cant go either. Is that reasonable?


send her a cabana boy to have sex with while he's gone.
It'll be fine.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby junglesmacks » Sat Apr 14, 2012 10:40 am

Just keep looking for one. Cross that bridge when you come to it.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby haolegolucky » Sat Apr 14, 2012 10:43 am

The Bruce wrote:Thats what my best friends girlfriend told him when he got a ticket and she didnt. We all went to BM last year and now this year she didnt get a ticket so he cant go either. Is that reasonable?


No. It is b.s. His girlfriend is being irrational. Course, if he puts up with it, so is he.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby Trishntek » Sat Apr 14, 2012 10:44 am

Due to health issues, Trish will not be going this year. She has already designated certain companions for me in her stead and we plan to reunite with glee upon my return. There are indeed times when a pair cannot be and it by no means compromises the relationship. What happens on the playa, stays on the playa. Bring home lots of swag and make sure she knows, "It wasn't the same without you."
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby catinthefunnyhat » Sat Apr 14, 2012 10:52 am

Understandable, if not entirely reasonable. It being understandable doesn't make it right, but I think he needs to apply some empathy to the situation. I'm sure there are a lot of different things behind her statement. Here are some of the things I'm sure I'd feel in her situation, any of which might lead me to say the same thing:

1 - Anxiety about being "left behind." In your friend's case, he's off to have a mindblowing and potentially life-changing experience which he'll be sharing with a lot of people, but not her. In that situation, I'd be afraid that he -- and consequently the relationship -- would be so changed on his return that I'd feel lost.

2- Loneliness/fear of abandonment. During the week+ he's gone, she's going to be left alone. They'll also have less vacation time to spend together over the next year.

3 - Envy. He's going off to have the time of his life, and she's missing out. It's natural to resent someone in such a situation, even when you know you should be happy for them.

4 - Romantic/sexual jealousy. BM engenders all kinds of intimacy with friends and friendly strangers. Maybe he'll take part in a "cuddle party" or find a new best friend or have a mind-blowing sexual encounter.

Back when my relationship was a relatively new and delicate thing, my partner went for a week-long getaway/bender with a group of close friends -- two couples and a single woman, who was probably his closest female friend besides me. The atmosphere was bound to be intimate, carefree, and sexually-charged. I felt all of the above and acted like a miserable bitch in the weeks leading up to his trip. He responded to my resentment with anger, and things became very tense between us.

Eventually, I explained to him all of my fears and worries, and I asked him how he would feel if I were leaving and the single woman were instead an attractive single man. A light went on for him, and the whole tone of the conversation changed. Ultimately, a couple of things happened: He was able to understand my concern and worked very hard to reassure me that my fears were unfounded. I also had to work at understanding the roots of my jealousy and letting go of it. In the end, he went and had a wonderful time, and none of my fears came true. Our relationship ended up stronger as a result of us having to actively practice trust and empathy.

Obviously, I don't know anything about your friend, his girlfriend, or their relationship. All I'm saying is that I can empathize with her and imagine myself saying the same thing in the circumstance. If she's feeling what I would feel (and her words suggest that she is), I think she and he need to have a very serious talk about those feelings and their responses to them.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby theCryptofishist » Sat Apr 14, 2012 10:55 am

I remember that many of us said that single STEP tickets were unfair for much the same reason. Ultimatums are difficult, and (iin my view) should be avoided. How long has this relationship been going on? What other stresses has it endured? I'd say fuck it and go--because she's already destroyed the relationship--but only he knows what he is giving up.

(Although catinthefunnyhat is right about honest communication.)
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby VultureChow » Sat Apr 14, 2012 10:59 am

Ehhhh... I think "destroy the relationship" might be a bit of hyperbole, but if you are in a serious relationship, I don't think it's unreasonable to say you are uncomfortable with the situation and to use your partners decision as a sign of how committed they are to you.

It's not like she has to work, or is ill, or has other plans.

He should be able to say, I'd really like to go, but I want to know what you think. She should be able to say yes or no. Relationships are full of compromise. If this is their sole vacation for the year together, I can see her wanting to go on trip together someplace else instead of BM this year. If he is going to spend their money on a trip just for himself, she has a right to a say in the decision.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby wraith » Sat Apr 14, 2012 11:10 am

When it comes down to it, the Burn's a vacation. I can't think of all that many relationships that'd be comfortable with 'I'm going on an awesome vacation, but you can't come, seeya sucker!' as a dynamic.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby lucky420 » Sat Apr 14, 2012 11:11 am

if the ticket were in her hand would SHE be willing to pass up the burn if the boyfriend didn't have one? mmmmm?
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby Ratty » Sat Apr 14, 2012 11:32 am

My husband and I go to south east Asia every year for 3 weeks. He stays an additional 3 weeks. I come back to work. I go to BM alone. If you're not the jealous type you get to be a couple and an individual as well. We have a great time together and on our own. Marriage doesn't include handcuffs. Although it can if you like.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby junglesmacks » Sat Apr 14, 2012 11:47 am

The flip side of the irony is that if this is really the attitude, I can tell you now that the relationship is doomed anyway and it will become a moot point in hindsight..
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby The Bruce » Sat Apr 14, 2012 12:48 pm

Thanks everyone for your comments. The truth of the matter is that I'm feeling a little hurt that I dont get to go to BM with my best friend. However I do get to go to BM and for that I am ever so greatfull.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby stinkyfoot » Sat Apr 14, 2012 2:48 pm

The Bruce wrote:Thats what my best friends girlfriend told him when he got a ticket and she didnt.


Sounds like you're all in your 20's and it sounds like she could be right. I wouldn't read into it a whole lot, or go around trying to figure out who's being the asshole, probably you're all assholes and all a little selfish which is why dating is hard when you're in your 20's.

I guess if your best friend does care about continuing a relationship with her, that would be a good sign that he needs to go ahead and talk it out with her and see if there is some set of circumstances that would work for the both of them. I'm not inclined to start blaming the girl for everything, I think comments like she made are a sign that neither partner has a mature communication line yet.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby trilobyte » Sat Apr 14, 2012 3:13 pm

It depends on the individuals involved. While I think I or my girlfriend could survive (and thrive) on the adventure without the other, not everybody is like us. Good for her for at least communicating upfront, so the necessary talking (or fighting) about it can go down - it would probably be worse if she wasn't okay with it but said nothing. Your friend would get months of nagging and quite possibly end up facing relationship hell as a result. Hopefully tickets can be sorted or arrangements can be made so everyone ends up happy.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby The Bruce » Sat Apr 14, 2012 4:35 pm

He and I are in our 30's she is in her 20's. He has already agreed not to go. This post wasnt about anything other then me venting my frustrations. I'm getting over it. Hell, I'm going to Burning man!
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby spygeek » Sat Apr 14, 2012 7:36 pm

The ultimatum's a bit much but I understand the sentiment. The boyfriend and I were virgins last year and had a life- and relationship-changing experience. This year we have plans to go (if our number gets called in the STEP queue), but he's had to take an unexpected 2 months off work due to a health issue and he might not be able to get the time off. If that happens, I'm not going either. I can't imagine being on the playa without him.

If the tables were turned I would like to think that I would tell him to go without me, but I would also be sad that this shared thing was no longer shared. BTW we've been together 13 years, so it's not like this is something you only struggle with when you're a new couple.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby BBadger » Sat Apr 14, 2012 11:18 pm

They have like, what, 4-5 more months to obtain another ticket? Why are they fretting about it like that at this stage?

I'm sure that's going to be a nice long-term relationship they have there.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby MyDearFriend » Sun Apr 15, 2012 6:42 am

Trishntek wrote:Due to health issues, Trish will not be going this year. She has already designated certain companions for me in her stead and we plan to reunite with glee upon my return. There are indeed times when a pair cannot be and it by no means compromises the relationship. What happens on the playa, stays on the playa. Bring home lots of swag and make sure she knows, "It wasn't the same without you."


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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby FeetOfClay » Sun Apr 15, 2012 5:28 pm

I for one think that ultimatums are manipulative; a better way for her to articulate her feelings would be:

"I feel hurt and sad that I did not get a ticket. Also, I feel a little jealous at the thought of you being on the Playa without me. I'd prefer neither of us go unless we can go together. How do you feel about this?"

But one thing life (and a healthy 7 yr+ relationship) has taught me is that people do not always articulate their emotions and needs in a clear healthy way.

Best of luck to your friend, his GF, and yourself :)
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby b42575p » Sun Apr 15, 2012 6:41 pm

Is there a better way to end it? :wink:
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby maryanimal » Sun Apr 15, 2012 7:00 pm

Trishntek wrote:Due to health issues, Trish will not be going this year. She has already designated certain companions for me in her stead and we plan to reunite with glee upon my return. There are indeed times when a pair cannot be and it by no means compromises the relationship. What happens on the playa, stays on the playa. Bring home lots of swag and make sure she knows, "It wasn't the same without you."



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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby TinkerMom » Sun Apr 15, 2012 7:38 pm

My HunnyBunny says that this is my "Vegas".

Just don't bring it home.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby catinthefunnyhat » Sun Apr 15, 2012 8:17 pm

FeetOfClay wrote:...people do not always articulate their emotions and needs in a clear healthy way.


This. I don't think I read it as an ultimatum but as an expression of her fear that if he goes, she'll lose him forever.

But the more I overthink this, the sillier it gets. Now I kind of want to write terrible BM fanfic, in which one lover breaks their troth to return to the desert, and the other, spurned, screams, "the Dust take ye!"
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby Cheyenne » Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:22 am

she sounds like a complete nutjob to be honest....

Myself and my bloke have absolutely freedom to do the things we want. David and I are going to BM in 2012 together, but he certainly wasn't arsed if I went without him as I may have done.

She sounds like she needs to 'ave a word with herself and it seems the event is actually the least of their problems!

Get a grip luv...
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby junglesmacks » Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:12 am

I absolutely love that I can read that and actually hear you at the same time.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby knowmad » Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:51 am

You're doing it wrong!
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby 5280MeV » Thu Apr 19, 2012 11:03 am

catinthefunnyhat wrote:But the more I overthink this, the sillier it gets. Now I kind of want to write terrible BM fanfic, in which one lover breaks their troth to return to the desert, and the other, spurned, screams, "the Dust take ye!"


I am much more interested in the screenplay adaptation. Bon Jovi will do the soundtrack. "It's my life" will start playing as the lovers part in Gerlach.
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby wh..sh » Thu Apr 19, 2012 12:42 pm

I sense an oversimplification of human behavior based on ideology... sigh... and a severe case of relationship utopia...

It would be seriously "inhuman" of her to not be jealous and wave goodbye while your friend pulls of the drive way in his tutu. I mean, seriously... COME ON! This is burning man!
You and I know how much fun that is!
It's very different when the spouse makes the "choice" to not go... unlike this situation.

1) Too early to rub it on her that he has a ticket and she doesnt. Maybe they could have scored one later.
2) Even if he is going without her... give her the space to cry, throw tantrum to deal with it... people usually get over such things with time (or not) with proper communication.
Worth the try.

When humans have "no choice" and are forced upon an unfavorable situation, who are we kidding... we all turn into 3 year olds.
Though I like it that after ALL the whining on the ticket forum over not winning lottery, suddenly this ONE woman seems irrational :)
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Re: If you go to BM without me it will destroy our relations

Postby illy dilly » Thu Apr 19, 2012 2:27 pm

wh..sh wrote:I sense an oversimplification of human behavior based on ideology... sigh... and a severe case of relationship utopia...

It would be seriously "inhuman" of her to not be jealous and wave goodbye while your friend pulls of the drive way in his tutu. I mean, seriously... COME ON! This is burning man!
You and I know how much fun that is!
It's very different when the spouse makes the "choice" to not go... unlike this situation.

1) Too early to rub it on her that he has a ticket and she doesnt. Maybe they could have scored one later.
2) Even if he is going without her... give her the space to cry, throw tantrum to deal with it... people usually get over such things with time (or not) with proper communication.
Worth the try.

When humans have "no choice" and are forced upon an unfavorable situation, who are we kidding... we all turn into 3 year olds.
Though I like it that after ALL the whining on the ticket forum over not winning lottery, suddenly this ONE woman seems irrational :)

Thank you very much!!!!

Not mention, non of us know this girlfriend and boyfriend(except the OP). We know very little about the situation, especially after the OP admits,
The Bruce wrote:Thanks everyone for your comments. The truth of the matter is that I'm feeling a little hurt that I dont get to go to BM with my best friend. However I do get to go to BM and for that I am ever so greatfull.

The Bruce wrote: This post wasnt about anything other then me venting my frustrations.

People that are hurt, never ever ever EVER, bend the truth, to make a point.
Though, its almost useful to the rest of us. It really helps point out who is quickest to jump to extreme conclusions with little information about the actual situation.
she sounds like a complete nutjob to be honest....
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