i have all me browsers set to the craigslists in major california citys, a few esy coast, and facebook,e-playa- yahoo ..and as our old pal DJ Hitler sez..WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE TO REFRESH that shit like every 20 seconds..!! I take breaks and when im turnin that predictable yearly white knuckled harpie..I get a glass of ice from the freezer,drizzel some water over it and qur up the You tube Hitler movie. Dude I wish I was as down as DJ Hitler as far as the whole peing so over prepared that he doesnt even have that ticket.. I revel at how tripped i get, I laugh ,or smirk or scream Yeah! Thats right! You tell'em Hitler!! I know your crazy funking pain. I am my own camp nazi as I prep, But Im no harm ..just really wanting the dust, the connections to other weirdos who dream big and wear weird shit and act the fool on mr Hands time.
I spend way to much time talkin to myself.Im in squidbilley california on highway forty nine..
Im gonna put a sign on my lawn I pray the last owner left some house paint in the basement...
Ive gotta admit, im not as comfortable in just Doing something else, instead, i cant begin to imagine what that could possibly be? I do something else ALLLLLLL YEAR. Its my one true thing even at its squirrliest , Its a place where I am - WE instead of Me.
Im limited on cash but I beleive -seen amazing offers of tremendous gifting all around meover the years when I was in a better position. I hate sudden swift change but Burningman has taught me how to surf those moments. Now Im the whit rabbit instead of alice,dreaming of being more rather like chesh- Im late! Im late Im late! Imissed getting a ticket..Im a HIPPPPPPPPPYEEEEEE waaaaaaaa.
Okay seriously I am so done with this year and all the vibe from the past ten. September first is a bazzarly fixed date in my life for the past two decades and the 12 Ive burned, Every 9-1-
brings some life altering event- IVE got a serious dance going with Rites of Passage by having a rediculous
absolute written in stone knowledge that fate spins my wheel and the Sept 2 is my reboot- and thus launches my learning curve..Im at that cross road- I NEED to fucking move on, out of the tail end of all the greif and emotion and focus on whats next. I have dedicated myself to ART, and experiance. I have a project im doing and as I get older I Ive lost perspective and direction,undisiplined..and rather socially clumsy..awkward- I remember fearless joy and white hot creating- Now I force myself to vomit my experiances and every thought out like casting a line,inside I hear some nag say,You shouldnt say your gonna do something you could set aside like everything else to be a warrior inthe default- Pain and loss makes for better art, right? oh yeah..
I dont know if Im embarrasing myself or not, If Im doing this awkwardly well Ill have to live with it after I find out ..later I am going I will go..I am doing art..and participating and supporting yours..I will fearlessly dare to suck,because if I dont keep trying..Im lost - The one year I need to slow down and suck up ny Passage..It just happens to be the aniverserie and it sold out- Did Burningman sell out ?..Or was it me? Did I sell out?
I might be the crazy daisy on the net, or the uncomfortable sexy cousin at the holiday table.. But I fear the unthinkable...Ill get to comfortable with breaking promices to myself and others, that Ill get comfortable with giving up.
Is it actually possible that every viable sweet golden ticket is for other people and that I will flunk out- be left out left behind ..like some migratory creature with a wing to broken to fly and gather up and flock the fuck out . I listen and read all the Gone to Burningman blogs and replies and the ims of my family of combustion adicted and one by one the sign out kiss sign off..I see Crimson and Blue and all the mad scientist pirates of the DPW in those blissed out shots making the man, settin the signs,the flags, answering my blither blather blogs.. I wanna be doing these things, to share those moments ,earn my burn..If I just go- something will happen but I dont want to beg, to be the hippy, to put all the people I respect and love in a possition to have to tell me - I cant come home this year..To tip toe down to Gerlach for the third time this year and work my way from summit to empire ducking the constibles on hippy patrol- or exhausting myself like a glittery infomercial to burners who just traveled the fly way across the globe ..and to hear me retell my shit over and over till i appear to be the Burning Bum..
its a 1 in a bazzillion chance but Im lucky if I get a responce, so you all get the gift of an essay into the quest for RITE ,am i wrong?
Its impossible that my tribe will set me to the ice flows like an anchient eskamo
It could be dismal exhausting humiliating expence on the physce and Ill be let in like say Wednesday nite..
after 100s of hours of pickin flys outta my orphan eyes for the world to see..
IT COULD BE JUST SECOND AWAY FROM HAVING A TOTAL ODDYSEE of experiance and I could face plant myself into the bounty of experiances that put my new life together,add richness to my book, my social life will exsist and I can have fun.. like as in F U N video hosting out my own personal trip
..first drink on the Playa would definatly be at
I love you. well back to it!