OVERVIEW: Wiping your ass.

[jkisha]

Since just regular users can't post in the "Overview of the ePlaya" sections, I thought I'd post it here. Geez, anybody that needs to have Snark and Sarcasm explained to them will surely need to be taught how to wipe their ass.

Be sure you have completed your bowel movement prior to wiping commencement. This spares you unnecessary repetition of the procedure.

Choice of toilet paper is critical. Being eco-friendly and choosing post-consumer products is honorable, though it may be rough (literally) on your delicate areas.

Basic tissue is also a fine choice and may be best for those of us on a budget.

For the ultimate in bathroom wiping luxury, a soft tissue with aloe and vitamin e is the only choice.

Complete step by ste instructions at the link below.

Http://howtowipeyoutbitt.com
edited by moderator Sham to add what I think to be the correct url: http://howtowipeyourbutt.com/

[junglesmacks]

I'm just glad that I don't have to wipe from front to back like our female counterparts. I'm a back to front, 3 squares doubled over kinda guy.

[Bob]

{snip}
Complete step by ste instructions at the link below.
Http://howtowipeyoutbitt.com

Skitt's Law in effect.

[jkisha]

{snip}
Complete step by ste instructions at the link below.
Http://howtowipeyoutbitt.com

Skitt's Law in effect.

LOL and I thought I proof read thoroughly.

[5280MeV]

I believe that I should again quote Rabelais' fine treatment of the subject:

I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen. What is that? said Grangousier, how is it? I will tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua. Once I did wipe me with a gentle-woman's velvet mask, and found it to be good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament. Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that was comfortable. At another time with a lady's neckerchief, and after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance. Now I wish St. Antony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made them, and of her that wore them! This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a page's cap, garnished with a feather after the Switzers' fashion.

Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my perinee. Of this I recovered the next morning thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother's gloves, of a most excellent perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me with sage, with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows, wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with spinach leaves. All this did very great good to my leg. Then with mercury, with parsley, with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy, which I healed by wiping me with my braguette. Then I wiped my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than do the mangy dogs when you rub them. Yea, but, said Grangousier, which torchecul did you find to be the best?

...

But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus.

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/1200/120 ... m#2HCH0013

[theCryptofishist]

Why bother with all that learning when you can have someone else do it?

[Drawingablank]

A bear and a rabbit are taking dumps in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks if the shit ever sticks to his fur.
The rabbit replies - no it never has.
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass.

Test Time
The moral of this story is:
A. Don't talk to bears.
B. Don't volunteer any information.
C. Next time you have a messy one, find a rabbit.

Thank you JK - This thread has renewed some of my faith in humanity.

[shykat]

YOUR DOING IT WRONG!

I'm just glad that I don't have to wipe from front to back like our female counterparts. I'm a back to front, 3 squares doubled over kinda guy.

[jkisha]

Why bother with all that learning when you can have someone else do it?

Without even clicking on the link it has to be Chai Guy's thread. A true classic.

[jkisha]

I believe that I should again quote Rabelais' fine treatment of the subject:

I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen. What is that? said Grangousier, how is it? I will tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua. Once I did wipe me with a gentle-woman's velvet mask, and found it to be good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament. Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that was comfortable. At another time with a lady's neckerchief, and after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance. Now I wish St. Antony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made them, and of her that wore them! This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a page's cap, garnished with a feather after the Switzers' fashion.

Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my perinee. Of this I recovered the next morning thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother's gloves, of a most excellent perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me with sage, with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows, wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with spinach leaves. All this did very great good to my leg. Then with mercury, with parsley, with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy, which I healed by wiping me with my braguette. Then I wiped my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than do the mangy dogs when you rub them. Yea, but, said Grangousier, which torchecul did you find to be the best?

...

But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus.

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/1200/120 ... m#2HCH0013

Ah yes, I had forgotten this one.

[MyDearFriend]

JK goddammit I had successfully resisted even peeking in that whole new section. Now, thanks to you I have read every word.

Eric and Trilo, thanks for your hard work, I know that writing simple clear concise prose is not easy.

Goddammit though JK. I need regular doses of cynical sarcasm to stay sane here. I rely on you for the good stuff so please don't cut it like that.

Thanks (((Fishy))) for the link to the "wipe my butt" thread!

[AntiM]

I never did get the hang of front to back, we females aren't shaped like that! So, two wipes, one front, one back. You're welcome.

[48_love]

-1 for not mentioning single ply ONLY! heh

[theCryptofishist]

Why bother with all that learning when you can have someone else do it?

Without even clicking on the link it has to be Chai Guy's thread. A true classic.

Aber natuerlich. But it belongs in any balanced treatment of ass-wiping on eplaya.

[Ugly Dougly]

[robbidobbs]

This is going to be TMI, but I JUST had a mole removed right in the crease next to my privates where the elastic rubs. Ok, so now I'm dealing with an advanced wiping experience - similar to AntiM's procedure.
(Gonzo is holding his ears and going "LA LA LA LA!")
Thank you 48 for the mention of excremental correctness. Here's the scoop: cotton impregnated TP gums up the centrifuge. Just double up on the single ply, septic safe tp and get the job done.

[Shambala]

May I suggest a nice 3 ply toilet tissue. It will be like wiping your bottom with a beach towel!

[Gonzo Frothwood]

Ok, searched their website and there's no mention of cotton. Regime approved!
BTW: how do you know what it feels like to wipe your ass with a beach towel?

[FIGJAM]

Out of TP and it was laundry day anywho!

[Gonzo Frothwood]

That's when I use a rabbit.

[Ugly Dougly]

I think we can bring ass wiping to the 21th century.

[Ugly Dougly]

He (meaning Allah's Messenger (may Allah's blessings and peace be upon him) forbade us to face the qibla when easing ourselves or passing water, or to wipe ourselves with the right hand, or to wipe ourselves with less than three stones, or to wipe ourselves with dung or bone.

[FIGJAM]

That's when I use a rabbit.

I tried that, but he was to noisy in the dryer!

[jkisha]

I think we can bring ass wiping to the 21th century.

And it's a lot easier than dieting and watching your weight. (only in America )

[Gonzo Frothwood]

Tch tch tch! What would Howie Mandel say about this. No doubt John Tesh owns one.

[geekster]

The problem with wiping your ass when you are tripping is that one can never be sure if they are actually wiping it off or just smearing it around and the more you wipe, the more you are just smearing it. Then you have to get a look, but there are no mirrors in the pots, so now you have to open the door and get someone to check for you ... and it just goes downhill from there.

Just remember, put the bite valve in your mouth when you enter and leave it there until you exit, ok?

[Bob]

That's why I always wipe with Mylar.

[Drawingablank]

But if you use sandpaper you will have the tactile knowledge of where you have and haven't wiped. My personal preference is 60 grit, but those wuith sensitive asses may wish to go with 300 grit or higher.

[Savannah]

The problem with wiping your ass when you are tripping is that one can never be sure if they are actually wiping it off or just smearing it around and the more you wipe, the more you are just smearing it. Then you have to get a look, but there are no mirrors in the pots, so now you have to open the door and get someone to check for you ... and it just goes downhill from there.

Remind me not to trip. Ever.

No, wait. Remind me to go to the bathroom, earlier in the day.

[EspressoDude]

just be careful not to smear the glitter, and wipe the seat after, or do the 'hover' which is probably not a bad plan anyway