Romantic Relationship issues with 2012 Burn

[moonrise]

You should have "officially invited" her, not doing so first probably did leave her feeling hurt and confused, as gaminwench and others mentioned.

Seems there's plenty of time to have that heart to heart talk and it's not too late for her to decide to pull herself out of that other camp.

Best Wishes.

[playa hanjin]

I will just add that 2011 was my "relationship Burn" and it was brutal and I do mean brutal.

And I was prepared, had good communication, worked hard at it, did everything right.

Even when you do everything "right", it still can -- and probably will -- kick your ass.

Good luck.

[Herring]

It really sounds like you don't respect her at all. Dismissing her as a sparkle pony, assuming she'll be taken advantage of by her veteran burner campmates, not even inviting her to the burn with you, this is not how you treat a partner in an adult relationship. When the relationship falls apart, it will not be because of burning man, it will be because burning man brought out the lack of trust and mutual respect already poisoning your relationship.

[BBadger]

It really sounds like you don't respect her at all. Dismissing her as a sparkle pony, assuming she'll be taken advantage of by her veteran burner campmates, not even inviting her to the burn with you, this is not how you treat a partner in an adult relationship. When the relationship falls apart, it will not be because of burning man, it will be because burning man brought out the lack of trust and mutual respect already poisoning your relationship.

To be fair, it's a "new girlfriend" so it is quite reasonable that he doesn't trust her simply because he doesn't know her very well. It's like relying on someone whom you don't really know to bring your camp equipment: do you naively rely on them out of "respect"? No, you take measures to ensure things go right. Of course you can't just bring more camping gear to fix this kind of problem.

Respect is built on trust, and trust is built on reputation, and reputation is built on time, experience, and trials. Some respect is given simply because people are acquaintances, regular friends, or for other social reasons. Other "respect" takes more time and patience to earn, especially with a "romantic partner." Letting your new girlfriend "roam free" in a place as unique, free, and even sexually charged as Burning Man... that may take a greater leap of faith.

Maybe the problem here is that sktELEMENT is expecting that he can control a situation involving someone for whom he has weak relationship-ties at an event like Burning Man. The short answer: he can't, not if he feels the need to even start a thread like this in the first place. The solution: it is what it is, and he shouldn't let what he can't control ruin both his and his girlfriend's burns.

Oh, and get some STD checks after the burn.

[theCryptofishist]

In six months the relationship may be very different. Or may be over.

[Igneouss]

IMHO
The key is that you both understand what is different about the burning man world. You start from the assumption that you have a mutually happy relationship in the default world. The next assumption is that the virgin agrees that BM seems like an interesting adventure.

Good?

So you need to be very open and candid about things that are different in the BM world. Things that range from 'time' to 'hygiene'.
Examples:
- BM is so chock full of distractions that it is likely times and dates will be missed. Plan on it and understand it.
- Hygiene is a bigger issue for women than men, particularly if you are expect to have sex. Make sure you both understand the limits and needs very clearly.
- Sexuality is much more in your face at BM than it is in the default world. Are you both super clear about this? If one of you catches the other staring at somebodies genitals will it cause a rift?

There are zillions more possible pitfalls. How will you deal with them?

[MyDearFriend]

- Hygiene is a bigger issue for women than men, particularly if you are expect to have sex. Make sure you both understand the limits and needs very clearly.

I have no idea what you are so mysteriously hinting at here, so, let me add a note for folks who are planning their first Burn: Personal hygiene without running water is not all that difficult. Sex on the playa is not any more problematic than it is anywhere else.

In fact, sex on the playa is magical. I highly recommend it.

[Nipple]

I practice good hygiene.

At the same time: If I haven't had running water flow over my body within 24 hours I feel I am unclean, disgusting, a shell of a human, some kind of monster, gross, and unworthy of love.

Baby wipes can't even touch that kind of mental filth.

[MyDearFriend]

(((Nipple)))

Maybe, if you're ready, we can help you find a less onerous purification ritual.



Just trying to be helpful.

[wh..sh]

Can I enroll for that purification ritual?

[MyDearFriend]

Yes indeed.

[wh..sh]

So, what would this entail?

[MyDearFriend]

I start by standing naked in a dusty breeze.

[graidawg]

OK, I'll keep this short.

The problem you are running in to has very little to do with the playa.

You two need to talk. You need to talk honestly about your desires and boundaries, and you need to listen to her desires and boundaries. Once those are on the table you both get to negotiate. Repeat often, because things change.

thanks Doc when i started reading this thread I was immediately reminded of the B.E.D.

communication is the best lubrication, if you do not talk about your isssues (and they are your issues not hers) you will ahve the worst possible burn, even if she has no intention of sleeping with other people in your mind she will sleep with every other guy on the playa. this will be a bad thing because you .... well its obvious.

solution? communication tell her your worries, why you are worried and how you feel about it. have a conversation. seriously that is the only solution if this woman means anything to you.

[graidawg]

I start by standing naked in a dusty breeze.

then i arrive as if by magic

[MyDearFriend]

I start by standing naked in a dusty breeze.

then i arrive as if by magic

No "as if" about i! Don't kid yourself, it IS magic.

[junglesmacks]

Just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he is calling her out as a sparkle pony.

Now now, there is nothing wrong with a little Sparkle Pony. They go wonderfully with some fava beans and a nice Chianti..

[flightless]

Yeah, it has nothing to do with her hypothetical other campmates. Did you not invite her to camp with you b/c you maybe wanted space? Did she feel rejected or just feel it as a need to be independent, need her own space? Are you monogamous or are other kinds of agreements in place? TLI (too little information)!

[atomosk]

I came across this late but wanted to leave one suggestion here that was otherwise absent. If you can't get your mind off of what's happening with her camping with other people, you can always stay home yourself. Think about how you'd feel either way, but from experience being in the middle of a romantic boondoggle while out there is not worth it. Everyone here is giving great general relationship advise about trust and communication, but none of that matters in the face of reality, which is that BM brings out a lot in people. It's a minefield for relationships and you're right to just not want to open that can of worms right now. So, not going and doing something else is always an option. She'll come back in one piece.

[Ugly Dougly]

If it's not fun, don't do it.

[MyDearFriend]

If it's not fun, don't do it.

Best advice ever.

[maryanimal]

After reading this thread, I'd like to add this if no one minds. I was told to go without expectation. I had certain expectations about certain things. And I was pleasantly suprized at how good they turned out. The person I was supposed to go with couldn't make it. But then I placed other expectaions when I arrived and they didn't turn out as I thought they would. Live and learn.

I was told when in a relationship it's ok to go off on your own and create an excellent burn for yourself. I was flabbergasted at this thought. How could you not want to be with you partner?!? Well, after was all said and done, I truly realize why it's good to get away on your own. It's a necessity. If you have a strong relationship, there's nothing to worry about. Everyone needs to burn on their own terms.


IMHO, if your'e going with a loved one, communicate, communicate communicate. Make sure each of you knows what the other wants for their burn, singley, as well as with each other.

And MDF, I like the idea of standing naked in a dusty breeze.

[Ugly Dougly]

Some happy couples enjoy things as if they are joined at the hip. That's okay, as long as they are both signed up to it. The problem comes when one person wants "freedom" and the other one wants "companionship". Unless one or both people are very adaptable and understanding, this won't last very long.

And yeah, that's inspiring. Next time I am stuck in a dust storm, instead of cowering behind my dome, I resolve to strip down and let the wind have its way with me.

[maryanimal]

Some happy couples enjoy things as if they are joined at the hip. That's okay, as long as they are both signed up to it. The problem comes when one person wants "freedom" and the other one wants "companionship". Unless one or both people are very adaptable and understanding, this won't last very long.

And yeah, that's inspiring. Next time I am stuck in a dust storm, instead of cowering behind my dome, I resolve to strip down and let the wind have its way with me.

I think we need to get a group of us together, form a circle, and just quietly thank the wind for it's wonderful feeling of freedom, and thank the dust for baptising our bodies with the playa!

[jkisha]

...she is strongly considering joining her own separate theme camp to get the most out of her experience...

Says it all right here. Which to me says your relationship isn't totally what you believe it to be to begin with.

[dragonpilot]

Just 'cause you two may be camping with different groups doesn't mean you have to stay away from each other. Schedule a few dates...day and night. I'd book a date night the first night...simply to experience with her her first night on the playa...who knows where that will lead?

How easy will it be to say goodnight to each other and trudge back to your respective camps after spending the evening together sharing one of earth's most unique events?

OTOH, if she can't wait to ditch you to rejoin her "friends" I'd give serious thought to the viability of the relationship.

[MyDearFriend]

Some happy couples enjoy things as if they are joined at the hip. That's okay, as long as they are both signed up to it. The problem comes when one person wants "freedom" and the other one wants "companionship". Unless one or both people are very adaptable and understanding, this won't last very long.

And yeah, that's inspiring. Next time I am stuck in a dust storm, instead of cowering behind my dome, I resolve to strip down and let the wind have its way with me.

I think we need to get a group of us together, form a circle, and just quietly thank the wind for it's wonderful feeling of freedom, and thank the dust for baptising our bodies with the playa!

*dance dance dance*

I like the idea of standing naked in a dusty breeze.

Do it!

[ranger magnum]

Drop her off at my camp. Ill make sure she never remembers you....

[percussivepaul]

I've known two couples that camped separately on their first burn together. In one case they were both veterans, and in another one was a virgin. I myself am in a relatively new relationship with someone who I would love to bring to the burn and who would love it there (next year hopefully), but I think we might camp separately too. There are two really good reasons for this.

1. The burn is overwhelming and sometimes you need to escape by yourself. It doesn't mean you won't spend time with your partner; the couples I know spent most of the week together, just bouncing back and forth between each others' camps. But I know it would be important to me to have my own space where I can retreat if I need to. Not everyone is like this, but I definitely am, and so is she.

2. If I were to bring my partner to my camp then she will experience the burn through my eyes. She'll meet my burner friends and see my favourite things and follow my patterns. The burn will be something of mine that I am sharing with her. It will be wonderful, but it will be an unequal dependent dynamic, and it will be hard for her to make the deep connections one can make with everything being filtered though me. On the other hand, if she finds her own group to camp with, then she will develop her own version of the burn that she can share with me while I share mine with hers. Then it's a partner dynamic. It would be very important to both of us that she find her own path through the event. Again, not everyone is like this, but we are.

It comes down to expectations and what you value. It sounds to me like you *want* a dependent dynamic, and are bristling a bit at her attempts at independence. There is a whiff off jealousy and possessiveness in your message. Maybe this is a reaction to things not quite being secure in your relationship, and maybe her wanting independence is a bad sign for you. But it's also possible this is coming from a good place -- a desire to experience the burn, rather than have it shown to her.

[sama_83]

This is an excellent article about creating "relationship agreements" BEFORE the burn... hope this helps! [url]http://www.relatespace.com/2012/05/18/have-the-relationship-agreements-conversation-before-you-go-to-burning-man[/url]