Romantic Relationship issues with 2012 Burn

[sktELEMENT]

So anyone that has been to the burn understands that the week on the playa can make or break a relationship. This I know being my 6th year coming. I have a new beautiful girlfriend which our relationship is intensely loving and strong in all aspects, although it IS new. This is going to be her first year on the playa, and she is strongly considering joining her own separate theme camp to get the most out of her experience for which I actually cannot disagree. However I also do know what effect these mind and soul opening experiences can have on a person, and she is a definite Sparkle Pony beauty. The camp she may be joining (I will not mention) is a very hippy dippy type camp, and while she is younger they have many older single and open relationship people within the camp.

I am not a controlling boyfriend, nor am I making any attempt to convince her to come with me instead. However I do know what Virgin Burning Man experiences for a young girl can turn into when veterans are seeking to have some good all playa fun, add on some psycho actives and you all get the picture.

I am asking for serious advice from anyone with experience.

Should I make an attempt to have her instead camp with me, so we can share this amazing event mostly together and therefore bond our relationship further (for I am certain we would). Or should I allow fates hand to take its course even though I am certain that some of her camp-mates will attempt to make love with my love?

I do not want to be controlling, but I think she is a little naive of how open the playa makes us, and how easily those with sexual intentions can succeed especially with the help of a little substance....

I know this is asking a lot, but please try to hold off on the snark as this is a serious issue to me as I love this girl and I know she loves me...

P.S. I know its important to let things flow, but I have serious suspicions of deviant intentions with one or two the her possible camp mates that I do not think she sees...even though they know of me and frankly could care less...

[sktELEMENT]

I know all about the relationship survival guide, but that only applies to those who are camping with each other...

[lemur]

let her camp with someone else and have her own burn.. dont plan to be around eachother.... let her do whatever she wants, she is a big girl now..


the kind of resentment and hurt-ness that can result from not spending enough time/notmeeting up at the right time/not going out enough as a couple/missing appointments/meals/whatever/all manifold of stuff is the thing to avoid.. in my mind

have two seperate burns and ride out into the sunset at the end and talk about the fun y'all had..


(and i guess it wasnt said directly but heavily implied ...keeping her with you so she doesnt have intimate relations with someone else *edit: this may be something SHE WANTS TO DO, and not just some creepy hippie tricking her into it* is probably not going to make you a very happy camper.... .. 'trust issues' ...probably arent one of the things you want to work out at burning man)


edit #2: i dealt with this kinda thing at my first burn and learned a lot...after that.. i wouldnt bring a loved one without insisting that they do their own burn ...if it jives with our schedules and desires.. maybe going out one night together would be fun, but i certainly wouldnt /plan/ on it..

[wh..sh]

This is going to be her first year on the playa, and she is strongly considering joining her own separate theme camp to get the most out of her experience for which I actually cannot disagree.

I don't understand this. People can camp together and still have their own burn experience. But maybe she wants to get away from you (I could be wrong) so she can have a good time.
It would help to understand why she doesn't want to camp with you.

However I do know what Virgin Burning Man experiences for a young girl can turn into when veterans are seeking to have some good all playa fun, add on some psycho actives and you all get the picture.

Damn those veteran burners for taking advantage of young girls!!!
Seriously, I doubt anyone does this if the young girl in question is unwilling.

I am not sure what your age is and how young she is compared to you, but it seems like you think she cannot handle herself on playa as you would want her to.
But, if you are dating a girl of a legal age... you might as well stop acting as a parent. She is going to do what she wants to do. What she wants to do can work for you or not. You cannot always be with her, watching her (even if you both camp together). Forcing her to camp with you might not really work... I suspect it will only postpone the inevitable if that's the inevitable.

I think you know the answers to your questions. Maybe this burn is for YOU to understand what YOU want.

[AntiM]

I know of a burner, years ago, who preyed on the women in his camp, to the point he was ejected from the event. I do NOT know any details, but I know it was traumatic for those involved.

[SaritaSyrah]

I am not a controlling boyfriend, nor am I making any attempt to convince her to come with me instead. However I do know what Virgin Burning Man experiences for a young girl can turn into when veterans are seeking to have some good all playa fun, add on some psycho actives and you all get the picture.

Oooooooh! Sounds intriguing...Do tell me more.

If she's going to be intimate with somebody, it's not because she's camping away from you, it's because she wants to. Let the lady be free. Be open with her, maybe she WANTS some physical freedom. In which case, you're not going to be with her for very much longer anyway. Loosen the leash a bit. Maybe she'll appreciate the gesture and jump your bones in the dust.

[lemur]

the only time i saw anything like that was someone who was too horny and too stupid to realize the person he was messing with was a robotripper girl who was trying to off herself (yeah the rangers brought her back to camp a few times not fun..)

..after a stern lashing from a nice english gentleman the guy was put in his place.. but man.. it was kinda creepy before that..


(might i add it was probably the best verbal lashing ive ever seen.. and it was all the more poignant in the english accent.. i am a sucker for those)


anyways,, yeah, there are people out there who try to use their advantage to prey on people.. but, id say they are the exception rather than the rule...

[shykat]

I'm married and couldn't even think of not camping with my wife....

[Nipple]

This actually has very little to do with Burning Man.

It has everything to do with your relationship and your boundaries. Talk to her. Explain to her the type of relationship you're after. Are you monogamous? Are you open? Are you open, but new sexual partners need to be vetted? Are you open but sexual activities need to take place in your presence?

None of these things are controlling, or out of bounds AS LONG AS you've talked and made your feelings known.

It's then up to her to either accept or reject your conditions of relationship or offer her own conditions that it's up to you to accept or reject.

The hope is that you'll come to a consensus and all have wonderful sex and love each other for ever and ever and ever.

If you can't reach a consensus, OR if she agrees, and goes and is sexually intimate with all the dirtiest dudes in town then she's probably not the one.

TL;DR: Communications and informed consent.

[MyDearFriend]

Nipple has completely nailed it for you here, sktE.

From what you say she has already rejected the idea of you holding her hand the whole week. Don't try to set limits on her. IFF she is "the one," you will find each other in BRC regardless of how far apart you camp. Might be great, might be sad, might be maddening to see her there.

BRC encourages us all to grow and change.

Just burn your Burn and let her burn hers.

[davink]

1. Start with an open relationship.
2. This is the choose your own adventure part:
A. Take an adventure together and enjoy every minute of it. Bump uglies with the locals.
B. Party apart, and ensure you have just as much fun yourself as she is having [in your mind].
3. Go back home and shower each other off for 2 weeks.

[sktELEMENT]

Nah I think its like Because I havn't officially "invited" her to my group she went and found another. Doesnt want to burden me. I dont think she quite understands how it functions there... I dunno maybe Ima just say fuck it and go do my own thing for my first time...see what happens. I didnt think an "invitation" for her was necessary, after all it is a relationship...But now that she is involved with the group I don't want to like pull her out...

oi vey

[sktELEMENT]

I think she will "get it" more as she accompanys me to other fests earlier in the summer... oh well...win win

[davink]

Invite her to read this thread.. Then she might 'get it'. LOL Maybe you should just try communicating with her?

[illy dilly]

Nah I think its like Because I havn't officially "invited" her to my group she went and found another. Doesnt want to burden me. I dont think she quite understands how it functions there... I dunno maybe Ima just say fuck it and go do my own thing for my first time...see what happens. I didnt think an "invitation" for her was necessary, after all it is a relationship...But now that she is involved with the group I don't want to like pull her out...

oi vey

First thing first! You need to talk to her! Ask her to camp with you!
You need to invite her to stay with you, before you even worry about what will happen if she stays with another group. And then if she says she'd rather stay with the other group go from there, and explain your feelings.

How much experience does she have with 'psycho actives' as you call them? Does she know what to expect and how she'll feel? That some of the emotions she'll experience are not 'real' in the sense she will not feel that way in the morning?

And keep in mind, just because you stay in the same camp doesn't mean you need to spend the whole week together. Me and my gal wouldn't consider spending the whole burn apart. But we will spend a good 24 hours at a time apart, running around doing what we want.

Should I make an attempt to have her instead camp with me, so we can share this amazing event mostly together and therefore bond our relationship further (for I am certain we would). Or should I allow fates hand to take its course even though I am certain that some of her camp-mates will attempt to make love with my love?
P.S. I know its important to let things flow, but I have serious suspicions of deviant intentions with one or two the her possible camp mates that I do not think she sees...even though they know of me and frankly could care less...

Sounds to me like you are very suspicious (obviously). So ask your self, if she camped with someone else, would you spend the 7 days worrying what she is doing?
Would it ruin your burn?
You can be totally not controlling, but if you have concerns you can't stop that, its not being controlling. There might be a bit of a trust issue, but that is what it is.
Is there any reason why you should not trust her?

Another question, how close does your camp normally camp compared to the camp she's going to be a part of?
Would it be possible to camp right in the middle, just the two of you? You could visit each camp easily, and you would spend more time together, but if you needed a break there would be friends close by.

[gaminwench]

If I were your girlfriend and you hadn't invited me to camp with you, I'd be really confused and hurt...

[illy dilly]

If I were your girlfriend and you hadn't invited me to camp with you, I'd be really confused and hurt...

Very good point!

[Savannah]

If I were your girlfriend and you hadn't invited me to camp with you, I'd be really confused and hurt...

Very good point!

Indeed. Lacking information, she may have gone looking for another camp, so as not to crowd her boyfriend. (As much as I believe in personal space--even separate camps--I admit I would be surprised if a new boyfriend didn't at least ask me what my camping plans were, or negotiate time some time to spend).

Sounds like a lot of chit-chat is in order.

sktELEMENT . . . she can't help being beautiful to you or other people, and deserves to have fun as much as anybody, not to be guarded or hemmed in (which inevitably causes rebellion). It doesn't matter what designs other people have on her, if she's not interested. She makes the decision. Guys can leave their tongues hanging out all day, but it doesn't mean anything if she's not impressed.

If you're worried about her being pressured or compelled to do something she does not want to do, discuss safety & substances (but recognize that you can't stop her, so don't present it that way or you will come off more like a parent than a boyfriend).

[Nipple]

Nipple has completely nailed it for you here, sktE.

I'm sensing thread drift.

Can we get back to talking about how right I am about things?

[Savannah]

I almost complimented your advice too, Nip--but I forgot, & now I'm going to pretend I hated it.

[alt12]

So anyone that has been to the burn understands that the week on the playa can make or break a relationship. This I know being my 6th year coming. I have a new beautiful girlfriend which our relationship is intensely loving and strong in all aspects, although it IS new. This is going to be her first year on the playa, and she is strongly considering joining her own separate theme camp to get the most out of her experience for which I actually cannot disagree. However I also do know what effect these mind and soul opening experiences can have on a person, and she is a definite Sparkle Pony beauty. The camp she may be joining (I will not mention) is a very hippy dippy type camp, and while she is younger they have many older single and open relationship people within the camp.

I am not a controlling boyfriend, nor am I making any attempt to convince her to come with me instead. However I do know what Virgin Burning Man experiences for a young girl can turn into when veterans are seeking to have some good all playa fun, add on some psycho actives and you all get the picture.

I am asking for serious advice from anyone with experience.

Should I make an attempt to have her instead camp with me, so we can share this amazing event mostly together and therefore bond our relationship further (for I am certain we would). Or should I allow fates hand to take its course even though I am certain that some of her camp-mates will attempt to make love with my love?

I do not want to be controlling, but I think she is a little naive of how open the playa makes us, and how easily those with sexual intentions can succeed especially with the help of a little substance....

I know this is asking a lot, but please try to hold off on the snark as this is a serious issue to me as I love this girl and I know she loves me...

P.S. I know its important to let things flow, but I have serious suspicions of deviant intentions with one or two the her possible camp mates that I do not think she sees...even though they know of me and frankly could care less...

Ideally she wouldn't go. If its that new a relationship, its best to let it develop organically rather than have burning man performs its well-known function as a relationship accelerator.... It will move things forward with you guys several months (for better or worse).

However, if she is going, of course you should camp together. I would ask her to camp with you. And not because of concerns of her getting praid-upon by boundary less hippy-dippy type older guys in the camp.... But because I think it would be a much better experience than having her camp somewhere else.... Chances are you'll be spending tons of time together anyway...

Good luck... Should be fun! I've camped with a boyfriend and multiple ex-boyfriends simultaneously. That's what things start getting interesting

[Nipple]

I almost complimented your advice too, Nip--but I forgot, & now I'm going to pretend I hated it.

oh.

[Savannah]

If it gives you any comfort, it's very painful for me to pretend I didn't like your advice.

[playla_wook]

Like many have said, it looks like you guys need to have a chat.

I'm a burgin too, so can't speak from specific burner experience, but I am married and can't imagine not camping with my husband. I know there are lots of different levels and speeds of relationships, but if it were me, it would totally ruin my experience if someone I was truly in love with a) wasn't even camping with me and b) possibly doing other people without my knowledge or consent. Seems like a recipe for disaster.

If I were your girlfriend, and wasn't sure whether or not you wanted to camp with me (just because YOU think it's obvious doesn't mean she can read your mind), I would be extremely hurt. If you're in a serious relationship, I'm kind of surprised she even wants to go. If it's not so serious, then it's understandable that she might be debating another camp, but you should still definitely make your intentions/wants known!

So I guess my advice would be just to have a major heart to heart with her, explore whether or not you two are even on the same page within your relationship and then extend that to your plans for camping... because boy would it be terrible to be preoccupied with heartache the whole time and risk ruining your first burn.

[Dr Helix]

So anyone that has been to the burn understands that the week on the playa can make or break a relationship. This I know being my 6th year coming. I have a new beautiful girlfriend which our relationship is intensely loving and strong in all aspects, although it IS new. This is going to be her first year on the playa, and she is strongly considering joining her own separate theme camp to get the most out of her experience for which I actually cannot disagree. However I also do know what effect these mind and soul opening experiences can have on a person, and she is a definite Sparkle Pony beauty. The camp she may be joining (I will not mention) is a very hippy dippy type camp, and while she is younger they have many older single and open relationship people within the camp.

I am not a controlling boyfriend, nor am I making any attempt to convince her to come with me instead. However I do know what Virgin Burning Man experiences for a young girl can turn into when veterans are seeking to have some good all playa fun, add on some psycho actives and you all get the picture.

I am asking for serious advice from anyone with experience.

Should I make an attempt to have her instead camp with me, so we can share this amazing event mostly together and therefore bond our relationship further (for I am certain we would). Or should I allow fates hand to take its course even though I am certain that some of her camp-mates will attempt to make love with my love?




I do not want to be controlling, but I think she is a little naive of how open the playa makes us, and how easily those with sexual intentions can succeed especially with the help of a little substance....

I know this is asking a lot, but please try to hold off on the snark as this is a serious issue to me as I love this girl and I know she loves me...

P.S. I know its important to let things flow, but I have serious suspicions of deviant intentions with one or two the her possible camp mates that I do not think she sees...even though they know of me and frankly could care less...

I want to be clear on this. You are putting all of the blame on her potential campmates. THEY'RE the ones with the deviant intentions. THEY'RE the ones that will lure her in with drugs and take advantage. Sorry my friend but it takes two to tango unless its against her will and that's a different story . If I was her I'd be more than a little insulted that you think she can't take care of herself and she's helpless against this onslaught of veteran burners with bad intentions. WAKE UP!!!!! For one, she SHOULD camp with you. What, she can't roam on her own and return to you? Secondly, if she does want to play, where she is will have no bearing. She'll find a way. No one is saying you are controlling, but if, as you say, you are her BOYFRIEND, there should be some basic rules in place before you go about what's expected. You're the veteran. Go show her a good time. And relax. Geez, you've already got her future told. Why not let your love be the guide as to how it falls out? Good Luck.

[Bob]

WTF, is she fifteen? She'll camp where she fucking wants.

[dr.placebo]

OK, I'll keep this short.

The problem you are running in to has very little to do with the playa.

You two need to talk. You need to talk honestly about your desires and boundaries, and you need to listen to her desires and boundaries. Once those are on the table you both get to negotiate. Repeat often, because things change.

[gaminwench]

... brought to you by the Bureau of Erotic Discourse...

[The CO]

I'm not sure I would want to camp with people whom I was worried were going to jump my girlfriend....

[ragabashpup]

Just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he is calling her out as a sparkle pony.
Also if you don't trust her why are you in the relationship? You are pretending to place the blame on these camp mates but it's down to not trusting her.