Beyond the burn... dealing with what's left

[lost_in_time]

The purpose of this post is for my sole respite. There are somethings I probably should not tell someone, instead I have choose this forum to unleash my emotional turmoil.

Calling to burn came to me. I had remarkable time, times I cherish, experiences I fed, soaking up everything around me. In short, it was brilliant.
I enjoyed the company of people, enjoyed few conversations with like minded people. I realized how much I have been missing it.

Now the story of beyond burn... much more powerful and my mind is overwhelmed. Burn has found me some amazing connections. Just as simple as opening up to unknowns, ahh... such a relief!
But one amazing connection came to me beyond the burn. Everything around me at the burn distracted me from this person... save the friendly gestures. Who would have thought? The person would seek out for me
beyond the dust, we would write to other like we wanted to say it all... and we would stop... oh all the reasons we found to stop! then few weeks later, I would be hanging in oblivion, dying for more...
but I know I shouldn't. I know I won't. My reasons, few valid ones. Best reasons there is, in the practical world.

So here's to this person -

Everyday, I wait to hear from you. Thought I know you shouldn't. It's been a while but my hopes are still not dead. Why?
I have been in a rut. I write, draft, delete... write, draft, delete... you will never know about all those days and all those words.
I just want to know you are on the other side and I am here on this side, both connected. But wasnt meant to be.
You were supposed to feel as light as a breeze not as a storm. Now I am shaken.
I don't know if we will see faces, write our hearts again... only desire I have left is to tell you that I miss you.

[graidawg]

*SIGH* regrets and what might have been are the worst things in the world. i too made connections to special people on the playa and keep them alive as best i can

[KasiaB]

Beautifully written. Made my heart hurt. I hope you find what you need.

[theCryptofishist]

Annoyingly vague. Specifics go farther than dreamy poetry with some of us.
Oh well, I"m being a widow again, I suppose...

[Savannah]

If you have nothing to lose . . . you might as well say it.

[graidawg]

I say again, it is far far better to regret something than to wonder what might of been in your twilight years.
for example, I WISH so hard I had gone for a green card when my parents lived in Nevada I had 12 years to do it, now I probably can't.
I wish I had tryed harder to keep Ella by my side, though i did everything i could.
If only I had done more to be with my children as they grew up, now i will never no what they're first words were.
BUT

for the burn? no regrets none at all, i did everything i could and will do it again. I have hopes that others will do it too.

[Parasitoid]

That was beautiful but it could mean so many things that I wish I knew more specifically what you experienced.

Since I dont know I am just going to enjoy speculating and I am going to summurize my speculations in a much less poetic way...

I think you met someone you fell in love with but they are not available for whatever reason, could be distance, or another relationship. But you were staying in contact for a bit until the person you met decided that they shouldnt stay in contact anymore. It is hard because you still want to let them know how you feel but its no longer appropriate or invited.

Thats just my interpretation of your poem i guess.

[Dr. Pyro]

Reminds me of advice I have given to newbies in the past: do not mistake playa lust for playa love. Lust is fleeting but is wonderful, love needs something more than a week in the dust. YMMV, but I doubt it.

[lost_in_time]

Reminds me of advice I have given to newbies in the past: do not mistake playa lust for playa love. Lust is fleeting but is wonderful, love needs something more than a week in the dust. YMMV, but I doubt it.

I wonder...
Does this have to be love? Can't we feel a need to colligate with others, without the expectation of physical attactment or commitment?
Is that the only feeling we are allowed to have? Maybe we bound everything and everyone around us to "what can I receive back from this person?", that we lose the simple pleasure of having a heart felt conversation.

I don't feel any lust/romantic love for this person. Not on playa, not beyond playa... but I do feel a strong connection, that cannot be confined to the world of romantic love.

[lost_in_time]

Annoyingly vague. Specifics go farther than dreamy poetry with some of us.
Oh well, I"m being a widow again, I suppose...

Sorry, my intention to remain vague was not to annoy anyone.

[Dr. Pyro]

And because you were so vague that I gave the response I did. What other reasonable conclusion would an unenlightened bozo like myself possibly come up with?

[theCryptofishist]

Annoyingly vague. Specifics go farther than dreamy poetry with some of us.
Oh well, I"m being a widow again, I suppose...

Sorry, my intention to remain vague was not to annoy anyone.

It's up to you how much you reveal. But I find the vagueness, pointless. With no actual details, I have no idea how to evaluate what you're saying. And it doesn't make for compelling reading. (There's a reason why writing teachers tell you to have telling details in your work.)

[lost_in_time]

Annoyingly vague. Specifics go farther than dreamy poetry with some of us.
Oh well, I"m being a widow again, I suppose...

Sorry, my intention to remain vague was not to annoy anyone.

It's up to you how much you reveal. But I find the vagueness, pointless. With no actual details, I have no idea how to evaluate what you're saying. And it doesn't make for compelling reading. (There's a reason why writing teachers tell you to have telling details in your work.)

Thanks for your feedback. I am an amateur writer and still haven't quite figured out how to write for readers.
That said, my style is more asemic in general. But I am sure there has to be a better way to do it. I do think writing classes would help.

[theCryptofishist]

Supplement by writing a lot. Practice.

[Elorrum]

I think we experience the range of emotions we had as kids out there. We play like we did, we laugh like we did. We access the full range and all the dials are turned up. And thus the crushes, as powerful as anything from junior high school. We return smitten and bewildered like from summer camp.

my theory for what it's worth.

[ohmu]

Does this have to be love?

I should counter this with another quote

Why... can't this... be love?

You lose, my friend. But stay thirsty.

Is this love, is this love, is this love... that I am feelin'?"

No

[RedHeaven]

Thats rude advice. Why does he lose? Because he feels?
If that love is channeled properly, he wins.
Crushes and emotions are the best fuel for creativity. Wasnt Burning Man born on a broken heart in the beginning?

I think he wins personally, better to feel these feelings than to not at all. It might not be traditional love, but its a fire in your heart Lost in Time. I only wish my playa friend was writing this stuff about me....

Good advice IMO was the first part of this thread. Vagueness gets you nowhere. I am a vague master and I am trying very hard to break out of it. Life is too short to be vague. Im afraid to overwhelm my new playa buddy with thoughts, too. I have been stifling them, but expressing myself a bit. Its a fine line between love nutz and expressive but we do only have ONE life and ONE chance.

[lost_in_time]

Thats rude advice. Why does he lose? Because he feels?
Good advice IMO was the first part of this thread. Vagueness gets you nowhere. I am a vague master and I am trying very hard to break out of it. Life is too short to be vague. Im afraid to overwhelm my new playa buddy with thoughts, too. I have been stifling them, but expressing myself a bit. Its a fine line between love nutz and expressive but we do only have ONE life and ONE chance.

To explain my vagueness -
I am very cautious about expressing what I feel, even in a forum full of supportive strangers. What is there to lose, right? I fear to open up but at the same time I crave for expression. It is like stuck between a rock and a hard place.
This is the reason why my writing turn out vague... sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. I would like to set myself free someday, if I knew how.

So, here's my attempt to open up as much as I can get myself to -
I met this person on the playa. Except for few brief conversations, we really didn't hang out too much. But we ended up getting in touch after the event.
We discussed about very many things and I enjoyed having someone to write to. But things get complicated when one person wants different things than other.
Being the one who is happily married, I had the ethical responsibility to not trail the situation. I did not want to make the situation unwell for the other. So I called upon the inevitable end...
I miss this person now... I do not view this person in a lustful/romantic way, but I think I wanted a friend like that. So, here I am today... I felt a connection with someone, beyond the playa.
But I choose to let it go, for ethical reasons *roll eyes*. I know I could have used the situation to my advantage. But I didn't. I wonder if I should owe it to my stupidity.
While at burning man, I started to believe in the possibility of relationships beyond expectations. Somehow I had put all of that spirit in this one person and the experience was ungratifiying.
But its dawning upon me that it might not really be possible in the real world. I still want to keep believing in reaching out to another human. I will still try to keep my heart open to the idea of it.
but I cannot help but feel very dejected about this realization of mine.

[RedHeaven]

Wonderfully put. That is some TOUGH STUFF you are dealing with emotionally.
I truly believe that monogamy of the mind is a myth, and that we are all capable of being in love or loving more than one person.
I know the realities in that are tough to work out though. Without an honest channel, it can be stifling.

Burning Man hits the ON button in so many ways. Everyone's influence in that open space is catchy. there is so much inspiration to feel ultimate and allow yourself to feel.

I hear ya about vagueness. maybe you had to warm up a bit. Like I said I too am like that, because I never want to come off cuckoo to someone. There is that fine line you kind of have to proof read your thoughts so they come out right. In your situation that can be even more detrimental. Usually I would say, let it out a bit more why not? Thats why its good to know your story a bit more so we can give you the right advice.

There is so much ethereal ways of expressing this subject. Ethereal is my nice artsy way of saying Vague.

I'll be thinking about your post since similar stuff has been on my mind. Hugs

[lost_in_time]

Hope you find peace too RedHeaven. My days just seem getting worse.

[RedHeaven]

You gotta channel that energy into some creativity somehow....Do you have some other things in life that are out of harmony at the moment that are adding to your thoughts and vibe? It is getting cold out, there is the natural season shift, always hard to deal with after Actual Burning man.

What you are dealing with might be tough, but it is also NATURAL. Most people will know how you feel when it comes to love and relationships. At least you got that understanding. Nobody said that stuff was easy, thats why we channel it into creativity because there is a fire that needs tending. Like I said, I am sure BRC was built on a lot of love and emotions. You either feel, or you are pretty much dead.....