Needed: Someone to wipe my butt

[Chai Guy]

Hello Everyone,

I've been wiping my own butt now for over 30 years and it's getting really old. I'm offering someone the opportunity to join my camp and to wipe my butt for me on the playa for the whole week.

I realize that there has been a lot of talk about people being exploited in these work exchange offers. I'm very sensitive to that, so I've taken the time to list exactly what my expectations are as well as exactly what I'm willing to provide for you, so that there will be no misunderstandings and we can both relax and really enjoy the event.

What I'm offering:
1. I have an extra tent for you along with some prime registered theme camp space. You can take up approximately 25sq ft of space, plus your vehicle (sorry, no RV's or generators allowed in my camp).

2. My camp is conveniently located near all the major attractions.

3. Any schwag I receive (and I get A LOT) will all be gifted to you. You will never buy mardi-gras beads again, I promise. I also purchased enough glow sticks to light up Vegas during a black out, use as many as you like.

4. My camp has a name, but you can tell everyone it's your camp and you can name it whatever you like. If people ask "Is this <insert your chosen camp name here>?" I'll smile and tell them that it is. It's like getting your own theme camp without all the hassle of submitting a clean up plan!

4. Unlimited Chai Tea refills!

My expectations for you:
1. You will only be required to be "on-call" for 8 hours a day, usually between 9am and 5pm as this is when I take my "big dump" of the day. Being "on call" means that wherever I go, you go. Don't worry, you'll like the places I go, and we'll have fun together.

2. I really don't want to wipe myself at all during the week. So when you're not "on call" I'll be wearing an adult diaper and you'll be expected to clean me up at the start of your next shift.

3. You remain relatively sober during your shifts, it's important for me that we share the same reality.


A few things worth mentioning:

1. This is not a kink or a sexual thing. If it turns you on, cool, but I'm really just looking for someone to wipe my butt. You can be male or female, I really don't care.

2. I'm looking for someone with experience in wiping people's butts. So if you've worked in a convalescent hospital, that's going to be a big plus in my book.

3. You should realize that the most important thing is me, and my needs.

Thank you so much! Please send all resumes along with the reasons why you want to wipe Chai Guy's Butt for a week to getoffmylawnhippy@yahoo.com or just post them here. I'll decide on the winner later next week. Good Luck!

[HughMungus]

Do I have to look good with zinc on my nose or be semi-naked except the winner's t-shirt?

[geekster]

I'll wipe it for you Chai, but I will have to cauterize it first.

[Mister Jellyfish Mister]

Chai Guy. You absolutely crack me the fuck up! This is better than your ditty bags post of yore... now you'll be wearing one for a diaper!

I think it would be great to have a volunteer photo expose follow you both around so you can have certified proof that somebody volunteered to wipe your ass for a week in the middle of the desert. Better yet, a video documentary. It's not the wiping itself that moves me, it's not even your movement that moves me. It's the art of your proposition.

Hats off.

[zorro sings]

I'm hoping to find someone to carry my flashlight so I won't lose it.Can match anything Chai Guy offers.Can wipe my own ass.

[Chai Guy]

"Better yet, a video documentary. It's not the wiping itself that moves me, it's not even your movement that moves me. "

Of course, how could I have been so stupid! What's the point of doing anything at Burning Man without a crew of documentary film makers recording your every move. (and the moves and art of everyone around you) Maybe we could even get it to air on cable t.v.!

So yes let me make another appeal to my community:

I need an experienced photo journalist or videographer that has access to professional level film or video equipment (Panasonic DVX100As or better please) and can follow myself and my volunteer butt wiper around for 8 hours a day. I need someone who can capture these images in unflinching terms and who can tell a story that we can then sell to big media for a lot of money. If you think you have what it takes please send me an email with your vision for this project to: getoffmylawnhippy@yahoo.com

(also looking for boom operators and key grips, directors must have their own Panasonic DVX100As)

[spectabillis]

YES!

[Sensei]

This is silly and beneath you, Chai.
You could get a grant and get the ORG to pay for it.
What were you thinking?

[Badger]

Spectab, Sensei, Chai

I'm making each of you my primo margarita this year. We need to converge.

BTW, Chai.... are you OK with two-ply TP?

[Chai Guy]

You could get a grant and get the ORG to pay for it.
What were you thinking?

Damn, I guess I wasn't. If I see Chicken John around I'll have to hit him up for any last minute Borg2 money.

Barring that, I guess I'm going to have to throw a fundraiser party.

My fundraiser party will definitely include strippers and lap dances not that it has anything to do with my "art" I just really like strippers and lap dances and you can make a lot of money selling sex these days by repackaging it as "community" (drink).

Oh and I'm going to need a space for this party, and a sound system, and lights, and a dj or two, oh and lot's of strippers. So if you can help out with any of that stuff, again, please email me getoffmylawnhippy@yahoo.com .

On second thought, there really isn't time for all that, so please, just PayPal me your donation of $25.00 or more to getoffmylawnhippy@yahoo.com and I'll get a lapdance in your name and put the rest of the money to my theme camp expenses and my incredibly high overhead.

BTW, Chai.... are you OK with two-ply TP?

No, I should have mentioned this earlier I guess, just like my hero Will "Big Willie Style" Smith, I only use baby wipes. My volunteer butt wiper must ziplock and pack out all my used baby wipes, along with all my dirty diapers.

[Sensei]

Spectab, Sensei, Chai

I'm making each of you my primo margarita this year. We need to converge.

Oh, hell yeah! You say the when and where and I'll guaranfuckingtee that I'll be there.

[Chai Guy]

Spectab, Sensei, Chai

I'm making each of you my primo margarita this year. We need to converge.

Sounds great, can my volunteer butt wiper come too?

[Stilesfamily]

Do you have any dietary or digestive issues that the prospective, ehem, assistant needs to be aware of. BTW my 1 year old like to have a little baby powder applied after each changing, may be something you might want to consider, keeps down the chaffing and irritation.

[Mister Jellyfish Mister]

This is spawning a whilwind of artistic input.

Why not pre-auction the used baby wipes on ebay to raise funds? You know, like stock options.

Would you allow interviews during the wiping?

Do you require somebody to read a magazine to you?

Lastly, because we cannot truly appreciate art without authorities telling us what category it belongs in and how good it is, may I suggest a panel of judges to convene on each and every crap?

[Will]

<Holds up a sign with a big 7 written on it.>
Man, if you're serious, this is funniest thing I've seen in awhile. Be sure to get pictures.

[buckethead alien]

<getting resume ready>

[HughMungus]

This is silly and beneath you, Chai.
You could get a grant and get the ORG to pay for it.
What were you thinking?

hahaha

[Isotopia]

I heard that the Fox network is interested in doing a reality show where ten BM are placed in a camp and the goal is to vote each other off of the playa. The winner being of course the person who gets to follow Chai around and attend to his ass cleaning.

All the need is a catchy title.

[Chai Guy]

Please allow me to address a few issues:

1. I'm pretty regular, I eat a lot of dried fruit on the playa and my poo is generally pretty solid. I will absolutely require a little baby powder and the volunteer butt wiper must monitor me closely for diaper rash.

2. I'm currently seeking sponsorship for babywipes, I won't be able to actually "advertise" per se, but everyone on the playa will see your company's baby wipes being used by my volunteer butt wiper and there's a damn good chance your product will show up in the documentary as well.

3. Allow interviews? I will encourage it. The Discovery Times Channel will be sending out Pulitzer Prize-winning NY Times journalist Charlie LeDuff to film a "documentary" about Burning Man. Charlie will be acting as a "participant" all week, helping to build a theme camp, following Rangers around etc. I'm currently in discussion with the producers of this program to get Charlie to come out and not only interview me, but to wipe my butt as well. It will be the ultimate in participation television! (Of course, I will require a golf cart from the org and a I want DPW to have a boom lift with an operator on hand at all times to get those dramatic "above" shots).

4. "Do you require somebody to read a magazine to you?" Require? No, but if someone wanted to volunteer, that would be lovely! I have preference for the classics if anyone is interested.

5. I love the poo judges idea. Let's take it one step further. All my poo will be encased in acryllic boxes and put on a museum style pedestal with a small informational card revealing the following information:
date and time of poo
Meals eaten subsequent to poo
Sequential number of poo on the playa (i.e. this is Chai Guy's 5th poo)

Judging will be done by the community (drink) and my best poo will travel the country as part of the "Burning Man in a Box" art program.

6. "All the need is a catchy title." - Working on it!

Your help is very much appreciated, please keep those resumes and requests for volunteers coming in!

[EvilDustBooger]

Title:

"The Amazing Travels of Corn"

[Chai Guy]

I know! How about a "Poo Lotto"? I'll eat several non-digestable schwag trinkets with numbers on them. If your number comes out first, you win a prize!

[blyslv]

Dear Chai Guy,

I'm excited by this project, but maybe just a little intimidated as well. After all, it's all I can do to chew gum and wipe at the same time. For instance, it was several years before I internalized the one imperative of anal area cleanliness.

Wipe Away From The Center!

Now, I realize that the above admission is not likely to increase your confidence in my butt wiping abilities. And quite frankly, I'm not sure I'm up to the task of keeping your nether regions free of feces. But I want in on the ground floor of what promises to be an amazing franchise opportunity. So I will make the following proposition to you.

Allow me to waggle your wee-wee after urination.

This will give me a change to observe and interact with who ever you eventually choose to be the butt wiper. I learn good, and by observing, fully expect to take my place in the patheon of chai guy butt wipers, in the very near future. But you gotta start someplace.

Hoping you give my proposal your full consideration,

I remain sir,

your affectionate elf of elimination.

[Chai Guy]

Dear affectionate elf of elimination.

I have considered your offer and I would love to have a piss boy following me around. Trekking to the JOTS for a simple pee is a major drag and I'm not about to risk getting a ticket by some over-zealous LEO with night vision goggles for peeing on the playa. This sounds like a wonderful solution that will maximize my on-playa fun. I appreciate the fact that you’re a man who can recognize his own limitations. Please come prepared with an appropriate receptacle for my pee along with a bell or whistle for me to summon you with, when I feel the need to relieve myself.

PM me with any further questions, I'm now off to get my anus bleached in anticipation of it’s television debut on the Discovery Times Channel.

Thanks,

Chai Guy

P.S.- If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it.

[MissNev]

Chai,

Before submitting my resume, would you consider a Brazillian butt wax prior to heading out to the playa? This would eliminate the problem of "cling-ons" thereby making your designated Ass Wiper's job a little easier. The cost of the waxing would fall under the category of necessary operating expenses and therefore fully covered by any BMORG grant.

[Chai Guy]

Hair seems to be a concern of many of my applicants (or rather what might stick to said hair) for this reason I'm going to get a "boyzillian" wax job before I leave for the playa, making my ass as smooth as the day I was born. I hope this assuages any fears you or others may have. Please continue to send in your proposals to getoffmylawnhippy@yahoo.com Thanks!

[stuart]

Crapping
Hourly
And
Insanely

Gifting
Unsightly
Yuminess

[Zulegoona]

First I thought " Man, the butt wiper would sure be set for life after all the publicity, the CEOs of all the major corporations would want to have there own butt wiper and your butt wiper could pick and choose his/ her position and name there price. " But then I thought, " What your doing is creating a whole new class of occupation you should go for an economic development grant from the Feds." No really you'd be a shoe in, I mean doesn't what's his name, ( Fart Blossom ) have George doing about the same thing.

[Chai Guy]

Zulegoona, I agree, this thing has the potential to become the next status symbol representing real wealth and power in this country (and will probably launch an entire fetish community in Japan too). I mean how can I even begin to care about the size of your SUV when I have someone literally wiping my butt for me??

"Oh what, you have a young blonde trophy wife with fake boobs? Well color me impressed! I have a man on call right now, ready to wipe my butt as soon as it comes off the throne, you can't even get near that! "






Stuart, you had me at hello, really. <sigh>

[Mister Jellyfish Mister]

Calling all writers!

Poems needed to flower the praises of Chai Guy's excrement. After a good grunt he may still be deep in thought and not the least bit conversational. Therefore his selected and very worthwhile buttwiper will need to memorize your prose to gently ease him back into the artistic world as they perform their duty on his dootie.

Submit your poem or hiqu here for his revue.

[Das Bus]

I've got a feeling that Chai's gonna need a shitload (pun intended) of diaper rash ointment after being in a diaper 16 hours a day!