what to expect if my partner is going to burning man

[dodi142004]

I have been with my girlfriend for two years now. I live in england and i met her in scotland. we started a long distance relationship one year ago as she is american. she went to burning man last year without me knowing much about it. she has just gone again this year and i really want to get educated on it as she is returning to scotland in 2 weeks. we have set up boundaries and both made compromises throughout this relationship, but especially right before this years BM. Is there anything I should be worried about? or should i see this as a completely positive experience for the both of us?

[Ugly Dougly]

Oh geez, this is too easy.

Don't worry man, what you don't know won't hurt you.

[Nitevenus]

So, what is so different about this week versus the other 51 of the year in regards to worry? Just watch the webcast when it's up www.ustream.tv/burningman
And in two weeks when she shares her pics with you, you can say....."hey, I saw that on the webcam"... that's a positive experience.

[theCryptofishist]

In some very important way, you have more knowledge of what to expect than the rest of us put together. We know some generic stuff about the burn and about how it forges and stresses relationships. YOu know your girlfriend.

The burn is a bunch of people getting together doing crazy things for a week. Sort of like a convention without a hotel. Or a camping trip with 45,000 friends. Or European travel without the Eiffel Tower or running water. Or an exotic, ecstatic version of the Fringe Festival.

Or maybe it isn't.

If you have specific questions about the type of experiences she might have, we can answer them. It will be very Blind Men and the Elephant because we have different approaches and experiences of the burn.

And the real questions you might want to ask about it are: Do you trust your partner? What are you afraid might happen? Do you accept that it makes her happy? Do you want to go too? (There's a regional burn in Spain every year if crossing the atlantic is a no go for you.)

My take. If she's going it's because she wants to. If she's coming to Edinburgh it's because she wants to. If you love her, but just can't deal with her going to the festival, it's best to let her go gracefully, rather than tie the two of you together when you will make each other unhappy by asking for mutually exclusive things. And for dwag's sake, don't make any decisions until the two of you have had a heart to heart about it, or it becomes apparent that that discussion is impossible.

Oh, and treat any advice you get from a computer message board with a certain amount of suspicion.

[drucake]

why in the hell dont you go with her? you could have a wonderful experience together!

[bx1]

why in the hell dont you go with her? you could have a wonderful experience together!

Or you could have the worst experience of your life!

All depends on you and your girl man. I'd say this is more of a relationship question. It kinda reminds me of that guy that may or may not trust his girl going to a night club with her girlfriends...

[Captain Goddammit]

Life has taught me to quit being jealous and worried all the time. Your girlfriend/boyfriend is going to do whatever they're gonna do, no matter what you do. All you can do is be their best option. Whatever fun they have when they go wherever they go is just that, don't stress over it.
In fact, the more you let them do whatever they want, the less reason they'll have to want to get rid of you! Be the one that doesn't smother them, let 'em be themselves. You'll be the one they wanna stay with because of it.

[gyre]

Not enough information to speculate with.

But what is special about the event is too many choices all the time.
I don't think it even matters what they are.
Most don't experience this after age five or so.
It does some things to the mind, to creativity, to emotion.

But two people can enter, go different directions, and have completely different experiences.
If they meet on the way out, they may have only three experiences in common.
That's what it's like.

Welcome to the world's most successful refugee camp.

[Ugly Dougly]

Either she's going to tell you about the wonderful orgy she went to, or she's not. You have no choice in the matter.

Aw, you asked!

[The Bass]

people are in a liberated state, and there are many opportunities to stray.

but there are just as many opportunities to say, no thanks.

tons of people stay faithful at burning man. don't stress too much.

think of it as a big nightclub (it's not, but this is a reasonable proxy) -- there are lots of dudes there who'd love to make out with cute girls, but that doesn't mean the cute girls are all making out with them.

(obviously this applies to all genders and sexualities)

[bx1]

people are in a liberated state, and there are many opportunities to stray.

but there are just as many opportunities to say, no thanks.

tons of people stay faithful at burning man. don't stress too much.

think of it as a big nightclub (it's not, but this is a reasonable proxy) -- there are lots of dudes there who'd love to make out with cute girls, but that doesn't mean the cute girls are all making out with them.

(obviously this applies to all genders and sexualities)

What are talking about? Everyone knows cute girls can't resist us dudes.

[Gizmo]

After 24 hours at Burning Man, everybody is dirty, smelly, choking on dust, hung over, and on the verge of heat stroke. If she wanted to have an affair with another guy, doing it in a hotel room would be a much more pleasant experience.

I don't know your girlfriend, so you should ask yourself if she is the kind of person who would travel thousands of miles to have hot, dirty, sweaty, animal sex with a stranger in a filthy port-a-potty. If the answer is no, don't worry about it.

Although a clean, hot guy with an RV is always a possibility.

Or maybe she is banging your best friend, and the Burning Man thing is just to throw you off the trail.

Bottom line. Trust or don't trust. Stay together or not. Burning Man is not the real issue here.

[theCryptofishist]

So, dodi has never shown up again.

Too bad, I'd have liked to have some response from him, some idea of what is going on inside.

There I go again, being a girl, wanting to know about feelings.
Sorry state of affairs there...

[dodi142004]

I have shown up! i was just waiting to hear all angles before i responded.
I have done a TONNE of research, and watched the webcam at burning man, and i feel a lot better. My main reason for being worried stemmed from a bad experience last new years eve. I flew out to see my girlfriend in san francisco, and on the night of new years eve I met all her friends and we went to a huge rave. She ended up taking some hallucinogenics which i was completely uncomfortable with (we had previously discussed this and she knew i was extremely anti drugs.) I was already feeling out of place due to it being all of her close friends plus me, so i left, and was followed by somebody who had dated her last ex right after they broke up. this of course caused a lot of distress for the both of us.
I was orignally worried that something like this would happen this year at burning man, and this is why i have disagreed to go with her because i don't want to feel extremely uncomfortable again. I think if i did go it would have to be with my own group of friends, or completely solo.
All in all i think i was just worried that she would get to burning man and feel like she was in this fantasy world where there are no outside repurcussions, but now i realise that its not entirely like that.
I really appreciatte people telling me to do my research, because now i realise burning man isnt some drug fuelled, naked rave.

[theCryptofishist]

It's possible that you two might make a workable camp between the two of you.

(That may or may not make you (pl) happier than camping separately and having "date nights."

[Sinja]

Communicate in a positive, honest and respectful manner.

Take breaks from each other.

Make playa dates together.


Read the Relationship Guide:

http://www.burningman.com/preparation/e ... ships.html

[teardropper]

burning man isnt some drug fuelled, naked rave.

Jeez, now you tell me...

[Ugly Dougly]

Dodi, you guys got anything in common?

[spunkmeyer]

Hee hee, actually, for many people it is a drug-fueled rave. But Dodi, you can't really say what Burning Man is or isn't, because Burning Man is so many different things to so many different types of people. Some people take massive amounts of drugs. Some people don't take any. Some people party all the time. Others do the more spiritual thing.

I've been going to BM for seven years, and have never had sex there once. Not because the opportunity wasn't there, but because that's not the type of person I am. So some people might tell you, well, if your girlfriend is going to BM without you, then expect her to be having sex with lots of people. That may be true, that may be not true.

My take on relationships - the less chains you put around somebody, the better. You guys don't have to enjoy everything together. If your girl likes to go trip out and you don't, let her go do that.

[RangerTurtleDove]

I never brought my boyfriend to the burn, and now I'm breaking it off with him because we grew completely apart. He wanted nothing to do with it, and more and more of my life is becoming centered around it. I now wonder if I could ever be with someone that is not a burner.

However, I would NOT want to camp with a significant other. I like having my own space. The can stay over and what not, but I want them to be able to 'go to their place' so we can both have our own experiences.

I tend to need a lot of space. Not everyone does. So it may be different for you. :)

[Ugly Dougly]

Relationships take work.

[tamarakay]

burning man isnt some drug fuelled, naked rave.

Jeez, now you tell me...

damn. kenman promised me it would be! now i have to gift my tickets or something. crap.

[Homiesinheaven]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y-0nWVdBH4[/youtube]

[TomServo]

I never brought my boyfriend to the burn, and now I'm breaking it off with him because we grew completely apart. He wanted nothing to do with it, and more and more of my life is becoming centered around it. I now wonder if I could ever be with someone that is not a burner.

However, I would NOT want to camp with a significant other. I like having my own space. The can stay over and what not, but I want them to be able to 'go to their place' so we can both have our own experiences.

I tend to need a lot of space. Not everyone does. So it may be different for you. :)

viewtopic.php?t=34990

[Teo del Fuego]

Dodi:

I know you will not believe me when I say this, but you really can't know someone with whom you are in a trans-continental relationship. I speak from experience having wasted 1.5 years in an England-USA relationship. We saw each other once every two to three months, talked on the phone a shitload and exchanged marvelous e-mails. But with such limited face time, our times together were Roman holidays with both of us on good behaviour when we weren't actually rolling around in the sack. Long-distance relationships are perfect for people with commitmentphobia; when things look to turn serious there is a built-in excuse. But, your mileage may vary, as they say here in the States.

[tamarakay]

Dodi:

I know you will not believe me when I say this, but you really can't know someone with whom you are in a trans-continental relationship. I speak from experience having wasted 1.5 years in an England-USA relationship. We saw each other once every two to three months, talked on the phone a shitload and exchanged marvelous e-mails. But with such limited face time, our times together were Roman holidays with both of us on good behaviour when we weren't actually rolling around in the sack. Long-distance relationships are perfect for people with commitmentphobia; when things look to turn serious there is a built-in excuse. But, your mileage may vary, as they say here in the States.

Dodi: i've read a lot of very good advice on a lot of subjects on this board and i have to say this is one of the truest, most valid, from the heart pieces of advice i've seen. Hard for you to hear i know, but try to hear it.

[mdmf007]

Dodi -

IMHO - this is way too much skepticism and drama this early in an relationship. Like said in an earlier post long distance relationships make it difficult; transcontinental all the more.

My evidence for this line. Your posting to an internet chat room with strangers about your skepticism of what she does. She does hallucinogenics - your not into it. She lives in the US, you do not. Enjoy the times you had together and realize your not going to change this person.

ymmv certainly.

[RangerTurtleDove]

Although it may be true that the long distance relationship is perfect for two commitment-aphobes...there is something to be said for meeting someone who lives far away from you and having it work out later on. Just because the universe has not brought you into the same orbit at this time, does not mean it cannot eventually work out. However, until and unless it does, I would be careful about putting your heart in your hands. Long distance relationships leave both people open to start new close relationships...but the hopeless romantic in me has to believe that if it were not for the distance, it could still work someday.

[ibdave]

me thinks Dodi has moved on....

[Ugly Dougly]

There will be other Dodies.