most clueless burner

[Ugly Dougly]

Oh i totally remembered another one.

Standing at the Temple of whatever..honor, joy,love sorrow.. A lady came up to hubby and I and asked where center camp was.

We pointed in the direction of center camp. And she is like...oh uh.. isnt it over there, pointing in the direction of the trash fence. Uh.. no its that way. See the lamps and the big flags on top of the cafe? No.. she says. So we are like. Ok go straight this way.. pointing again in the direction of the cafe.

She takes off in some random direction. Who the fuck knows where she ended up.

I have a funny feeling that she was trying to mess with your head...

[glam_daddy]

On sunday night the day before they open the gates, I went out to the man late at night. An elderly fellow came up to me all wide eyed. grey hair covered in playa. His accent placed him as a nevada local. He was maybe 65. We were standing under the man and he comes up and asks me if this was the man they would burn. I said yes. He didnt seem to believe me but I assured him it was.

Then he goes on to say how he is lost and doesnt know where his camp is and that everything looks different at night. Yes i agree, it does look different at night. No problem I say. Just tell me your address and Ill show you on this handy map I have in my pocket. He looks at me and askes me why his address will help him and proceeds to tell me the address of his home in nevada. I say no I mean your burning man street address. All the streets are named you see. He looks at me blanky and begins to get mad and tells me how horrible his camp mates are for not explaining this to him.

He only remembers the name of one street. And hes not sure if he is camped on it. I tell him to go to that street (creed) and walk all the way allong the curve and look for something familliar. He literally looked about to cry. He wanted to sleep. I explained to him that here at burning man if he walked up to just about any camp and explained the situation to them, that they would let him sleep the night on a couch. I gave him my camps address and said if nothing else he could camp there. Then I gave him my map and put a dot at my camp.

Never saw him again.

[dj big E]

says you nailed it on the head oregon read this is not a dead concert or a rainbow fucking gathering thanks larry and all the hardcore burners.currently i am the most clueless burner trying to figure out how to fund all the shit i want to do nekt year i have actually applied fopr a job in the real world uggghhhhh dhj big "E" set it up then burn that shit.

[dj big E]

says you nailed it on the head oregon red this is not a dead concert or a rainbow fucking gathering thanks larry and all the hardcore burners.currently i am the most clueless burner trying to figure out how to fund all the shit i want to do nekt year i have actually applied fopr a job in the real world uggghhhhh dhj big "E" set it up then burn that shit.

[papabear]

My husband and I usually have our tix held at will call (we don't lose them that way!) and when we were pulling in on Sunday to pick up our tix there was this guy standing there with no water, no food, no tent, no nothing with his hand held up in the air like a hippie at a Dead show.

I was so startled by this, I couldn't even comment at first. I mean, it's one thing to do that in the comforts of civilization for a $20 concert ticket, but on the playa? For a $250 event ticket? WTF?! My husband also brought up the fact that he was standing out there with absolutely NOTHING. So he would have be mooching off the community all week.

After picking up our tix we walked back by him and he asked "Hey man, you got an extra ticket?"

My respone was, "This isn't a fucking Dead show, dude. "

Thats is some funny shit. I saw this guy too. The funny thing is i never could find some people i knew all week long. But this Dude would pop up all over the place. tree or four time i saw him and each time he asked me for something. Hell, i think he ended up at the Gerlach Gas station on Monday after the Burn asking for rides from people.

all i have to say is... Be a boy Scout and be prepared. and yes that does mean a Blender for Mixed Drinkes. Haha.

Hey, so here is my ignorance showing... what is or are the Chupacubra Policia?

[DogBoy]

OregonRed Sez-

there was this guy standing there with no water, no food, no tent, no nothing with his hand held up in the air like a hippie at a Dead show.

This guy actually said "lookin for my miracle". The miracle is that your dumb ass got out here!

[electrolux]

Chupacabra policia are mostly DPW types who dress mad max meets SWAT team and generally act like they're badasses. They were at camp baghdad at around 8 and the esplanade this year. Supposedly they are there to protect innocent goats from being defiled, but i think their main goal is to piss off the rangers (who they call 'the tan').

[Kinetic]

Chupacabra policia are mostly DPW types who dress mad max meets SWAT team and generally act like they're badasses. They were at camp baghdad at around 8 and the esplanade this year. Supposedly they are there to protect innocent goats from being defiled, but i think their main goal is to piss off the rangers (who they call 'the tan').

Most DPW have attitudes to begin with, and then to have them become Chupacubra on top of that....now I get it.

And I wanted to be a Ranger next year....a little run in with Chupacubra could be fun. Protecting innocent goats....yeah, right. Anyone can put on black clothes and pretend to be badass. Can they really scare me?

[Tiara]

I have nothing bad to say about the Chupacabra. . . Some of the funniest stuff I've ever heard issue from a megaphone has come from them. . . given that most of them are DPW, they're totally self-sufficient and very responsible for cleaning up their own messes. . . and they actually put a lot of time and effort into "participating" via their costumes, behavior, etc.. . . and hidden among their ranks are some kick-ass people. (didja know one of them is even a Ranger at Flipside?)

[Badger]

didja know one of them is even a Ranger at Flipside?

Didja know there's more than a few of them that ARE Rangers on the playa? Just another schizophrenic aspect of the event.

Their spiel at Flipside last year was funny as fuck. Some of the greatest performance art with a megaphone that you'll find anywhere. Annoyance factor can hover in the high nines at times but worth it in the end - especially given their absolute contempt for *hippies.

*NOTE: the clueless, parasitic, crystal packing lamer types being discussed over in the 'Clueless Burner' thread.

[Badger]

And I wanted to be a Ranger next year....a little run in with Chupacubra could be fun.

Fun is such a relative term. What you might see as fun I see as a duty. Duty to the tan.

Duty next year will involve on the order of 55 gallons of industrial strength patchouli and an aerosol dispenser along with a cache of balloons filled with the horrible stuff. Some of us believe the 'Putocabras' need their camp freshened up a bit....

[OregonRed]

Thats is some funny shit. I saw this guy too. The funny thing is i never could find some people i knew all week long. But this Dude would pop up all over the place. tree or four time i saw him and each time he asked me for something. Hell, i think he ended up at the Gerlach Gas station on Monday after the Burn asking for rides from people.

Oh, that sucks! That means someone helped him get in! Now, don't get me wrong, I'm the first to offer up things people need/forgot out there, but generally those people brought something to the event. (The guy who borrowed a can opener from us my first year, who was "the tan" btw, who showed up later in the week with the best ganja brownies ever). Don't come out here expecting me to take care of you. I have two kids at home, I come out to BRC to get away from that for a minute.

[Angry Butterfly]

I couldnt bring a costume because I didnt have any room, but people could somehow tell i wasnt a tourist by my knockoff camelback loaded with tools and sunscreen, decent bike, hat and goggles, I also did fire safety for the SF Conclave and attended all the meetings, in spite of not owning a car, once having to leave my husband at a bar for about 4 hours. I didn't finish my project, but I did finish someone elses. I also spent some time welding our camp's dome before I got out there. I figure I spent at least 100 hours, not counting doing decor for fundraising parties, and probably a lot more, on burningman stuff before I headed out, and I was worried that wasnt enough, and some so of a friend of my husbands was all like," I'm not doing anything this year because it my first year, I am just going to sit back and enjoy it. " THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO ENJOY IT! I was honestly worried someone would kick my ass if I didn't participate, and boy, was i glad I did.

[atari-x]

this guy sounds a lot like sebastian.

[Kinetic]

And I wanted to be a Ranger next year....a little run in with Chupacubra could be fun.

Fun is such a relative term. What you might see as fun I see as a duty. Duty to the tan.

Duty next year will involve on the order of 55 gallons of industrial strength patchouli and an aerosol dispenser along with a cache of balloons filled with the horrible stuff. Some of us believe the 'Putocabras' need their camp freshened up a bit....

Need help with all that? I'll gladly volunteer, Ranger or not. I'll make sure to have a special container to hold any clothes that come into contact with that stuff. 1800 miles of driving while smelling patchouli would be too much to handle.

[TheDude]

Did anyone see the guy out bt the road on Thursday afternoon? He was standing just off the road by his white '66 Ford Econoline Van. He was trying to talk people into driving his van in while he hides in the back. Did anyone get him in? I love doing random acts of kindness, but this was just wrong. I paid my money to get in, and even quit a very good job because I felt I was suppose to be there. I was just wondering if I am being selfish? Being a virgin burner, I don't know if this is a part of the experience?

[Zona]

My vote for the most clueless burner is the guy in the Helicoper. This guy shows up with two other people, right from the office, no water, no tickets, no sleeping bags, nothing. He lands in the road the cops are using around the outside fence blowing dust all over the place. It gets worse, after yelling and having a fit, he jumps back into his Helicopter blows LOTS more dust onto my darn plane, and flys right into his own dust cloud. He almost crashes...
dumbest thing I've seem in ten years. Then he goes over to check out the plane crash blowing dust on that...but wait it gets even worse, then he flys at like 100 feet over the city almost hitting some kites! A really big NO, NO. Shit, we wanted to string him up. When he came back a few minutes later, he got kicked out (by two very strong minded woman <g>), with a good talking to. At least he took the other two people back with him. Seems that he had not told his friends a thing about the event. What a dangerus fool...and that says something...getting kicked out of BM because your too dangerus, and clueless.

[Stormy]

my husbands was all like," I'm not doing anything this year because it my first year, I am just going to sit back and enjoy it. " THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO ENJOY IT! I was honestly worried someone would kick my ass if I didn't participate, and boy, was i glad I did.

Isn't how one enjoys it up to the individual? I might be guilty of being a workaholic, but I sometimes really envy those who can just kick it and enjoy themselves without feeling guilty.

[PetsUntilEaten]

yep stormy - when that finally sunk in one year i spent almost two days in the same spot in disturbia - i realized - hey, the whole world really is passing before my eyes!

our newbie burner almost lost it the day we all stayed in camp drinking tea, talking & making silly craft things. "but every things hap- pen - ing right NOW we're mmmmiissing it!"

to each their own.

[nymphgonebad]

yep stormy - when that finally sunk in one year i spent almost two days in the same spot in disturbia - i realized - hey, the whole world really is passing before my eyes!

our newbie burner almost lost it the day we all stayed in camp drinking tea, talking & making silly craft things. "but every things hap- pen - ing right NOW we're mmmmiissing it!"

to each their own.

i can sympathize - when i was 17, on a school trip to spain, i stayed up for three days so i wouldn't miss anything.

[clandyone]

This isn't a clueless burner story, exactly, but it's not a clueful burner story either.

On Sunday night, everyone in our camp was out of cigarettes. I volunteered to go scrounge a pack... and I KNOW we're not supposed to barter, but long experience has told me that everyone is out of cigarettes by Sunday and whoever is generous enough to share their stash deserves compensation. So, I loaded up a six of icy Heineken and sallied forth-- to no avail. Everyone was dry. Finally I arrived back at my camp, and as a last-ditch effort asked the folks who were hanging around our burn platform.

Everyone was sympathetic except for one girl, who clearly 1. was a newbie 2. had just Gotten the Burning Man Spirit (you know the one us vets aren't sure about anymore? That one) in a big way, and 3. was most likely frying her face off.

Anyway, this individual told me that I didn't Get It (ha) and that as a result of my horrendous transgression against the aforementioned Spirit of Burning Man my soul would die. I shit you not. "I can see it in your EYES!" she said. "Your SOUL will DIE and then it will BURN! I can see the ASHES in your FOOTPRINTS!"

Her cohorts tried to shut her up, but she wouldn't be dissuaded. Real hatred was pouring out of this person, kinda like when fundies are telling the queers that they'll rot in hell. I said something like "You know, this really isn't constructive," and stomped away. But I have to say, it gave me the creeps, especially as speaking-in-tongues woman had just cornered me half an hour earlier.

Of course I spent a lot of time pondering what I should have said... oh well.

[Flux]

Anyway, this individual told me that I didn't Get It (ha) and that as a result of my horrendous transgression against the aforementioned Spirit of Burning Man my soul would die. I shit you not. "I can see it in your EYES!" she said. "Your SOUL will DIE and then it will BURN! I can see the ASHES in your FOOTPRINTS!"

It sounds like it sucked at the time, but I gotta tell you, that is fucking hilarious! How utterly bizarre!

[Rob the Wop]

Anyway, this individual told me that I didn't Get It (ha) and that as a result of my horrendous transgression against the aforementioned Spirit of Burning Man my soul would die. I shit you not. "I can see it in your EYES!" she said. "Your SOUL will DIE and then it will BURN! I can see the ASHES in your FOOTPRINTS!"

I'm evil, but I agree on it being hilarious. I find people like that to be infinitely amusing. Bad news is that they tend to get pissed when you laugh in their faces.

Did you think about dropping to the ground and going into convulsions? Probablely would have freaked her right the fuck back.

[clandyone]

Did you think about dropping to the ground and going into convulsions? Probablely would have freaked her right the fuck back.

Now that's what I should have done. Spirit of the staircase, indeed.

I agree, it is funny in cold black-and-white, but at the time the vitriol was really unnerving.

[Lo5150]

I was at the Temple one of many days posted and writing and crying all over when this Asian male came up to me and asked me "Why are you crying?" I thought he was kidding, but he was totally serious. I was trying to explain through tears and snorts about the temple, when David Best actually walked over and talked to the man. We got into a very deep conversation about the Temple. The last thing I remember David saying to this man was "If not, you will be a sour old man.".... In a very kind, David Best way. So, from then on, everytime I went to the Temple, Best found me and we just had these amazing conversations thru tears, and he took my hand in his and wrote "I will NOT be a sour old woman". He wants me to make bumber stickers for him next year. It is the least I could do. So much healing for me there this year. But the Asian man did not have a clue as to what was happening and David explained it very elegantlly like only he could.

[PJ]

...He was trying to talk people into driving his van in while he hides in the back...

I'd do that. But I'd turn it into performance-art-with-consequences. At the gate I'd show my ticket and say, "The guy that owns this van is hiding in the back--I'm with those folks in that other vehicle." And watch to see what happens to the ticketless slime ball.

[OregonRed]

...He was trying to talk people into driving his van in while he hides in the back...

I'd do that. But I'd turn it into performance-art-with-consequences. At the gate I'd show my ticket and say, "The guy that owns this van is hiding in the back--I'm with those folks in that other vehicle." And watch to see what happens to the ticketless slime ball.

PJ, you're so cool...

[Lo5150]

well, crap, I had PLENTY of smokes left and was handing them out all over the place starting Saturday night. Being a newbie, I thought this could be a gift. Folks were loving it. I brought so many smokes, we barely had room for food. =) Gotta have my smokes. So, next year, I will let you know where I am at, and all you cool folks here are welcome to come and get smokes!
Don't ya just hate that when you thing of something good to say AFTER the event/conversation has taken place?
Lorie

[dapete]

I would like to submit Tor as the Most Clueless Burner. <img ALIGN=left src="http://dapete.best.vwh.net/Tor.jpg" >

Tor came into our lives late Thursday of 2002. He rolled up in his pickup with his dog looking for a guy that he didn't know but that his boss had told him would be at burning man. The guy turned out to be in our camp and the boss turned out to be the father of his girlfriend of 2 weeks. Since this was about the 10th impossible coincidence of the week, we didn't think much of him actually finding his man and told him to go ahead and set up in the space behind our truck.

Tor was a big guy in his late 30s/early 40s up from Reno, taking time off from his job as a t-shirt maker to check out the big party. Being alone, he wound up hanging around our shade structure making unfunny jokes that caused most of us to raise our eyebrows and pray for a sandstorm. He rarely missed an opportunity to make a crass comment to the women would walk by on our street. "Hey babe, nice tits" was his favorite. It was sad to watch and I felt a strong urge to set him straight but it was hard to know where to begin and would have likely ended in a fight. And by "fight" I mean "getting my ass kicked".

While he obviously didn't quite get the burning experience, he did bring gifts. . .a roll of orange "special" stickers like the kind you see on meat packs at the market. He would stick on people, often without asking.

Over the 3 days he approached all of the women in our camp to go back to his tent. He seemed to handle the rejection pretty well but everyone's comfort level was much lower when he was around.

On Sunday afternoon he produced a display of dildos and other sex toys with the intention of selling them on the street. When told that selling things isn't allowed, he got indignant and said "this stuff is expensive, do you expect me to GIVE it away?"

Luckily he wound up being more clueless than dangerous but it was enough of a drag that one of our regulars was considering not coming this year.

Some good did come from his stay with us, though. He gave everyone in our camp Burning Man t-shirts that he made from MS clipart and the oval BM logo. I love mine but then, I'm a sucker for ironic things.

[Flux]

He gave everyone in our camp Burning Man t-shirts that he made from MS clipart and the oval BM logo. I love mine but then, I'm a sucker for ironic things.

I love it: iron-on irony!