Post Playa Depression

[TheJudge]

I guess my depression wasn't as bad this year because most of my stuff is still piled up in my living room. Just no place to put it.

[Guest]

I'm pretty impressed with you folks. It seems like you are on the right paths. Wish I could say the same.

I hoped bman 2003 was a chance to get back on my path, but I felt like I kept getting pushed off it. I felt shunned by my camp, and that happens, but I feel like it won't ever stop, and nobody will ever admit to doing it.

I even asked someone I went with if they would tell me if they thought I was being an asshole, and they basically said 'no, do what you like.'

And because of some hurts in my past, I worry that I'll never be able to get close enough to anyone to really talk to them.

I'm not fucking perfect, I won't always know when I'm being a jerk, I need a community that will tell me when I am. That's part of the social contract that keeps things together.

But I'm really disappointed that I find the people in the 'real world' more welcoming then my campmates.

In the words of one of my campmates whose advice on Sunday night included "curling up into a fetal position and waiting it out" - I feel like that. But forever.

And I feel like there's a person out there who will say "see, what a manipulative bastard he's being..crying about how hurt he is".

I fear becoming like my abuser, who did do that, crying publicly in front of people I really cared about, about something I never said as I stood stunned speechless.

I feel like I have no tools left to work with, and no gifts to offer, try as I might. I'm going to flip on over to the quote thread and see if I can feel good about parroting something I read in a magazine, but since it might not feel real, here's another one that pretty well sums up the way I've been feeling since bman 2003....

From a Farewell to Arms...
"But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together. I know that the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started. But with Catherine there was almost no difference in the night except that it was an even better time. If people bring so much courage to this world the world has to kill them to break them, so of course it kills them. The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills."

[Alpha]

beer,

Thank you for reaching out and letting us know how you're feeling. I hope that it will help you to have us to talk to, and I know that it enriches our lives to do what we can to help you. One thing I really love about BM is the sense of good will that pervades the playa. I'll stop going when I no longer feel that.

I doubt any of us here can tell you why your campmates displayed such utter disdain for your well-being. If you really were being a jerk and they failed to tell you, perhaps they were uncomfortable with the social contract you are hoping for. As far as I recall you've never been a jerk here! No matter; there are plenty of people here (and IRL) who can play their role in that kind of social contract and I know from your posts that you have plenty to offer in a social gathering. Don't worry about finding a gift to offer (right now or even for BM04); just be yourself. I think when you get back on track you might find a muse to inspire you. God knows I've gone through periods of thinking I'm the least creative person ever to darken the playa gates, and I've gone through times where ideas are coming at me so fast I don't know what to do with them all.

> my abuser

I suspect there's deep water under that statement. Most of us here have been through bad relationships. Most of us have felt that cancer of resentment and self-loathing after everything seems to go bad. Acceptance is what must come next; maybe things didn't work out the way you wanted but perhaps that was the way things needed to happen. We grow from every experience, good or bad, and in the end we wouldn't be the people we are without the collections of experiences that shape us.

One more thought and then I'll shut up for now. I've seen some really good advice on this board, free for the taking by anyone who chooses to listen. Feel free to PM me, or keep things going here, or pursue this with others who will surely have good advice. I don't have all the answers but I'm willing to help you look for them. :-)

[Flux]

abeerinthemorning, I know what you mean. We're all socialized differently, and some of us much less healthily than others. We don't always know how to act, and what kind of behavior is appropriate or appreciated at a given time. That's when we count on our friends to help fill in the gaps of our knowledge of how to relate to one another.

It really sucks to have people start treating you like shit because of something you (allegedly) did or, even worse, did repeatedly, when those same people could have simply said something to you early on, like "Please don't do that" or "I think people are taking your words (or behaviors) differently than you mean them."

It sounds like you need new campmates, people with whom you develop a closer, deeper relationship before you go to Burning Man, and who you can still count on when you get there to support you. The same people who may be great fun to party with may be unwilling or unable to be there for you in the way that you need them to be.

Anyway, I realize that's probably not of much use, but I want you to know that I feel for what you're going through. It just plain sucks ass. If there's anything I can do, let me know.

[Guest]

There are times when all I can come up with to say is thank you.

Thank you both and others who've offerred kind words over the last month.

Thank you.

[Lydia Love]

And I feel like there's a person out there who will say "see, what a manipulative bastard he's being..crying about how hurt he is".

I fear becoming like my abuser, who did do that, crying publicly in front of people I really cared about, about something I never said as I stood stunned speechless.

This is the real fuck of it in my opinion. That this person, whoever they were to you, still has a strangle-hold on your joys, your hurts.

Beer, I hope you find whatever you need to be free of that person's grip on you and your emotions.

I understand how you feel... that feeling of not being able to talk to anyone forever. I've had this little... I don't know - gleeful and painful experience of being able to just say whatever the hell I feel to anyone. But it feels like maybe the hangar doors or closing. Like the words are drying up and may be gone soon. forever.

Take care
Lydia

[Miranda]

I just miss everybody, and I wanted to say that I was thinking about you all, so rock on and keep doing your thing, cause you all are some very special people. I Love You!!!!

[nipples]

when i want a beer in the morning,
there is only ONE place i go

not to my refridgerator (unreliable),
but to the eplaya



if you were a keg
i would tap you
a bottle open
can flip

swoosh down my throat
you are a beer in the morning

steady when hands would shake
cool & heady company
sextant on the wheel (sex-tent on the weal?! owwie)

all hands below
we keep in reach
a beer in the morning

[blyslv]

gleeful and painful experience of being able to just say whatever the hell I feel to anyone. But it feels like maybe the hangar doors or closing. Like the words are drying up and may be gone soon. forever.

Take care
Lydia

Don't you dare dry up, you sassy thing.

[Lydia Love]

Don't you dare dry up, you sassy thing.

I'm trying.

[Guest]

Don't you dare dry up, you sassy thing.

I'm trying.

You're doing more then that, you're succeeding.

I like the way you quoted me because it showed me that I was doing what I felt hurt by. Very cool Lydia. Very cool.

I'm trying too, and every now and then I get comped a ticket for the clue bus. Here's hoping I can stay on it for a while.

[Flux]

But it feels like maybe the hangar doors or closing. Like the words are drying up and may be gone soon. forever.

As a wise woman said to me once,

Don't you fucken dare. I mean it. Don't make me pull this car over... er come over and kick yer ass!

Don't let those hangar doors close. Keep being yourself, and speaking your piece, through all the joy and tears that brings. You told me that, and twelve days later I can say with assurance that you were right. You were right about me, and the same is true for you.

Feel free to email, PM, or IM if you want to talk.

The world can only change one crazy, vulnerable, open, honest motherfucker at a time. We have to stick together.

[Lydia Love]

oh shit flux

you just made me cry

thanks

[Spokes]

Good job flux!

I though I was going to have to break out the spankings there for a minute.

Well, actually for about 1/2 a gawndamned day after I lost this thread.

[Lydia Love]

break out the spankings

truth be told this is probably not a good deterrent for me.

really though

Love you all

[Spokes]

Not a spankee, eh?

Lydia, a lot of people connect with what you have to say. I hope you can find a way to keep from locking that up. In my experience, it's more painful in the long run to bury it anyway. Not to mention the years to your life that you can lose to being numb.

[Guest]

Please keep succeeding Lydia Love.

Please concentrate on the smart, fast, strong airplane in the hangar, not the doors to the hangar that you're perceiving.

Sometimes I think my eplaya name is like those doors. A construct around which people will form their opinions of me, like the doors to your hangar, limiting me in.

I even worry that people will look at the name and decide he's the yahoo who just wants to get drunk.

But I chose it because I have a beer in the morning just about exactly once a year, usually at BurningMan, and because it brings back some fond memories. I shouldn't let what society might think of me influence the memories I have. I'm concentrating on the airplane, not the doors, thanks in part to you.

Whatever is causing you to feel those doors are closing, re-direct your attention to yourself, and the fact that you make me laugh and think. You do that Lydia. And I am grateful for it.

Peace.

[Lydia Love]

Sometimes I think my eplaya name is like those doors. A construct around which people will form their opinions of me, like the doors to your hangar, limiting me in.

I even worry that people will look at the name and decide he's the yahoo who just wants to get drunk.

Well I wouldn't worry about that.

I saw your name and assumed you had a sense of humor. Cracked me up.

Thanks beer - i'm stickin shit in-between the doors as fast as I can.

[drowned_saved]

Not to mention the years to your life that you can lose to being numb.

would give anything to get back a few of mine: 1999-2001.

[Guest]

i'm stickin shit in-between the doors as fast as I can.

I'm hesitant to think I can offer advice to anyone, Lydia, but here goes anyway... maybe you can find a new door. Exercise, art, cooking something kick ass from your thread http://eplaya.burningman.com/viewtopic.php?t=358&highlight=recipe
Your contribution made me think of something new I want to cook (I want to barbecue vegie boboli) . There's a door I haven't opened yet. I know I know some would say that's a door that shouldn't be opened, but I love bbq'ing, and haven't tried pizza yet.


Peace

[Lydia Love]

Oh for heaven's sake!

I had completely forgotten about that thread...

Gonna go read up!

And ya -beer - it is good advice. Anything that feeds the soul and keeps me busy is good right now.

That's why I'm trying to learn how to play Ziggy Stardust on the ukulele.

[III]

>Ziggy Stardust on the ukulele

swoon

[Guest]

I'm really glad I found this topic. Just read all your posts and resonate with you folks a lot.

2003 was my first Burn. I went with openness & minimal expectations. ZAPPP ... soooo much ... can't find words ... but I'll just say here it was a rare and indescribable experience.

I'd heard how BM can change your life. When I first got back I felt exhilarated & somewhat reborn, was determined to carry BM spirit back into my non-BM world, but didn't really feel huge changes or PPD.

Now it's been some weeks and fairly massive changes are rocking my world. It sure seems like PPD ... I'm pretty unsettled, edgy, & downright ornery these days ... but I guess the optimist in me would rather view it as this being a time for me to be going through changes. Precipitated, no doubt, by living in BRC.

I think there's growth going on. Mebbe too soon to say. But I'll follow that hypothesis/illusion for a while. Definitely my attitudes & perspective on the world are shifting dramatically.

I've tried yakking about this with my non-Burner friends and the results (for me) are generally disappointing. Hmmmm. Well, I may go to LA Decom this weekend and will definitely attend SD decom. I sure do need a fix. Yup.

[foamin' at the mouth]

I've tried yakking about this with my non-Burner friends and the results (for me) are generally disappointing. Hmmmm.


Then just imagine how fabulous it will be when you run into someone, perhaps by accident or at some unexpected place, and discover that they know exactly what you are talking about-perhaps someone completely diiferent than you could have imagined or would have expected?
Smile- you know a secret- and its one you have offered to share.