dear foxfur . out of everyone here i can relate to you the best. we both know the pains ,trials, tribulations ,and general helplessness of being a caregiver.
we also share the same intense fleeting joys when they smile
but admitedly to few and far between do we have these moments . and all to often can i count on the random "god hates me" "i want to die" and "please god kill me" from her.. and when i tell her how it makes me feel . she tones it down for a few days .. then its right back to it again.
.. i cant get away from it (again 24-7 supervision) at all . exhausting is an understatement!. how do you ???? decompress (pun intended). im going to see if a friend of hers can come over and hang out for the day .. so i can go to (yes i live in reno) tahoe for the day.. i so need a zen day..
dear swampdog. im sorry you were to the point of measuring rope . its a horrible feeling.i dont spend months here,iv spent years here, i live there still. the trek to and from the mine can be a long one when your at that x-road., (heh i grew up here .. yall think you know the desert!?...."snicker snicker") temple crew: not an option . moms health is such that ... well you get the idea. i do know several folks from temple .. beyond the build. (they live here to lol) ........
promises and notification: no one closeish to me knows anything! again flawless illusion. im far FAR to private an individual to tell anyone anything. A. they would try to stop me. B official bubblegum lights clean white coats kinda folks come to take me away (again death first), which takes us back to A. C.they do not need to be burden'd by me, they have enough to deal with. D. folks change when they know your an emotionally fucked up huminal, id rather see the smile of hello than the smile of concern...... (which segways into)
meeting on the playa: again and sadly no .... few reasons really .but most lame excuses, admitedly. but the prevelant among them being the fact that yes some of you are licenced psychoshrinkers (my personal monicer) folks that would in all likely hood trigger a massive panic attack. if your familiar with them . there not plesant . even minor ones. its the profession. not the people . so please try not to take it personaly. if you do run into me at home please do not tell me your profession ,LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH IF YOU HAVE TO,and please dont let me know you know me from here . i go by Frosty. respond to it as if it were my real first name. and will be intruduceing myself as such.the old addage is appt here "ignorance is bliss" and my memory is shit when it comes to names (faces tho. memory like a camera) so its doubtfull il know any of you out there (foxfur the acception and we have allready spoken about this)..
just know .. this is helping . more than i thought it would . i feel a lot better reading through all of your heartfelt desires to see me stick around. and the insights i glean from each read over (yes i re read these a few times)... if its any comfort to y'all. i have planed to post ... something .... if im ever getting that far down the mine. (what ?? i know where several mines are , found em as a kid)
p.s Foxfur. i firmly believe the universe put us in each others path for a profound mutual reason. i see it more and more every day. i see the borrowed light of the angels in each of us for the other at a time that we needed them...