ePlaya

by **Box Burner** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 5:35 pm

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

by **betrdanevr** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 6:15 pm

A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,
certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this
is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID
badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.
'You know how I work....

You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.', said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust a
FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

'OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

by **Simon of the Playa** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 8:33 pm

what is the hardest thing about learning to rollerblade?

answer: convincing your parents you're not gay.

by **TomServo** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 8:43 pm

how many arkansas skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

...lightbulb?

by **Simon of the Playa** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 9:06 pm

*

Dr. Sydney Gottleib
*

Lt. Col John Alexander
*

Richard Dabney Anderson (USN)
*

Dr. James Monroe
*

Dr. John Lilly
*

Lt. Comdr. Thomas Narut
*

Dr William Jennings Bryan
*

Dr. Bernard L. Diamond
*

Dr. Martin T. Orne
*

Dr. Louis J. West
*

Dr Robert J. Lifton
*

Dr. Harris Isbel
*

Col. Wilson Green

Cornell
*

Duke
*

Princeton
*

UCLA
*

University of Rochester
*

MIT
*

Georgetown University Hospital
*

Maimonides Medical Center
*

St. Elizabethâ€™s Hospital (Washington D.C.)
*

Bell Laboratories
*

Stanford Research Institute
*

Westinghouse Friendship Laboratories
*

General Electric
*

ARCO
*

Mankind Research Unlimited

China Lake Naval Weapons Center
*

The Presidio
*

Ft. Dietrick
*

Ft. Campbell
*

Ft. Lewis
*

Ft. Hood
*

Redstone Arsenal
*

Offutt AFB
*

Patrick AFB
*

McClellan AFB
*

MacGill AFB
*

Kirkland AFB
*

Nellis AFB
*

Homestead AFB
*

Grissom AFB
*

Maxwell AFB
*

Tinker AFB

now THATS funny.

by **mdmf007** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 1:43 am

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A Penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Hey = you seen my brother?"

Bartender asks - "whats he look like?"

by **Simon of the Playa** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 8:49 am

a man walks into a bar with what appears to be a large water fowl on top of his head, he steps up to the bar and suddenly the Duck opens his mouth and says...."Hey Bartender, Can you get this Guy off my Ass?"

by **Simon of the Playa** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 8:50 am

what is the shortest list in the world?

Famous Japanese Male Porn Stars.

go ahead, name me just ONE.

(this joke was made up on the spot, fresh, as a result of a double post, and susequent edit.....thats why it degraded into a dick joke)

by **help** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:48 am

Two elderly Irish widows were washing potatoes for dinner. Suddenly one bursts into tears.

"Dear Kathleen, whatever is the matter," asks one.

"This reminds me of my husbands balls" replies Kathleen.

"Heavens almighty, that big?"

"No, that...dirty."

by **TomServo** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:58 am

What do you get from fucking a bird?

Chirpies!

It's a canarial disease thats untweetable..

by **help** » Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:05 am

Literally LOL!!

In England, I hear it's a Miss demeanor...

by **Simon of the Playa** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:53 am

How many ARTISTS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

actually, the light bulb never gets screwed in as they all sit around and discuss the PROCESS.

by **help** » Mon Aug 04, 2008 7:48 am

The doctor enters a room where the whole family eagerly awaits the news. It had been a particularly difficult pregnancy.

Solemnly, the doctor begins, "Umm, well, the child was born, but without a penis."

Muffled gasps of horror eminate from the around the room.

"But," the doctor continues, "she'll have a damn nice place to put one in about twenty years!"

by **mdmf007** » Wed Aug 06, 2008 11:16 am

Horse walks into a bar -

bartender asks him "Why the long face?"

by **help** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 1:31 pm

Snoring Dog Problem

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she
can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can
help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the
dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah, right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring,
as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a
piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!

The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from
being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls
asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe
the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles
into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he
glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to
his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back
into the bedroom and sees the red ribbon attached to his
dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were .... or what we did...

But, by God ..We took first and second place!

by **can't sit still** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 6:41 pm

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President. or
Prime Minister

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

**********

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him .

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny

He gives up and goes back to bed .

The next morning, the little boy says to his father,

'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class

while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

by **Rusted Iron** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:17 pm

A man goes to his doctor.

"You have to stop masterbating," his doctor says.

"Why?" the man asks.

His doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

by **Simon of the Playa** » Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:23 am

"Party On! Wayne"......."Party On! Garth"......."where's Greenspan? I got his hookers for him"....

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid= ... =exclusive

by **BigCock** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 11:16 am

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'there is no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'there is no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me the the 'there is no Santa Claus' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

by **wedeliver** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 12:50 pm

I thought stories here had to have fire in them...

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, â€œMy only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.â€

by **Boijoy** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 2:44 pm

Q. How do you get a pit bull to stop humping your leg?

A. You suck his dick.

:shock:

by **jkisha** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 3:51 pm

Q. How do you tell if you room mate is gay?

A. If his dick taste like shit! :shock:

JK

by **ibdave** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:03 pm

Never thought this company would stoop to these lows... read below, then read the answer I got from "Samantha" at the BORG:

Original message:
Your order MAY have completed.

I would like to get a refund of $60 due to your server generating the above message. I got this message at 10:00am I was among the first 250 orders in line.. I was DEFIANTLY WELL with in the first 9000 tickets. According to the message above, it APPEARED that my order went through. When I called to check the status of my purchase, later that day, the rep on the other end of the phone stated that my order HAD NOT completed.
When I went to purchase tickets again, it was too late as the first 9000 tickets were already sold. I feel I am deserving of a refund of $60 as your servers did not take my order when in fact I was VERY MUCH in the right position to get 2 of the first 9000 tickets.

"Samantha's"response from the BORG:
In response to your support request, SAMANTHA of Burning Man Tickets writes:

Hello Mike,

Unfortunately, your request has been denied and we cannot authorize a refund at this time. I do understand your frustration however the issues you were experiencing were out of our control.

Samantha

by **Boijoy** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:26 pm

That's not funny and It doesn't even rhyme.

by **jkisha** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:56 pm

Boijoy wrote:That's not funny and It doesn't even rhyme.

I do understand your frustration however the issues you were experiencing were out of our control.

This part was funny...and pathetic...and insincere. The person that sent that response has no business in customer service. (IMHO) but this is the JOKE thread, and up to this point everything else was funny.

Now let's get back to the regularly scheduled program.

JK

by **ygmir** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:12 pm

how about a funny story?.......and true?
or, is this just for jokes?

I await a response........

by **theCryptofishist** » Wed Jan 21, 2009 11:20 pm

jkisha wrote:
Boijoy wrote:That's not funny and It doesn't even rhyme.

I do understand your frustration however the issues you were experiencing were out of our control.

This part was funny...and pathetic...and insincere. The person that sent that response has no business in customer service.

Sadly, the llc doesn't really have that customer service thing nailed in general. They are arrogant bastids in a lot of ways. I've sort of got to the point where I ignore them, or tell myself that that's what we get when we go with a company that has the kind of history bm has or that isn't a traditional corporate entity with slick pr people, because of the huge whiner population who could take larry squinting at them because he has dust in his eyes into some sort of grandiouse deliberate insult worth going to war over.

But what is really frustrating about this case is that other people who got that first message tried again, and ended up buying four or six tickets, and those people got refunds without any problem the next day. It's too bad that they couldn't make those tickets available to the people who didn't try and got no tickets. But that would just be another cluster fuck.
And it's also too bad that after last year's almost flawless ticket thang, that it wasn't repeated.

by **jkisha** » Thu Jan 22, 2009 12:34 am

Yup, last year went really smoothly. I guess I just think of vendors I deal with and how they deal with the enebitable snafoos that might happen. And usually they do what ever is necessary not only to appologize for the problem, they then do whatever is required to make it right.

In the whole scheme of things wouldn't it have been better for BMORG to have gotten on eplaya or post on the main site that the ticket company fucked up, that they were sorry, and that they would make an extra couple hundred tickets available at the 1st tier in a special sale to make the situation right for those that were not able to order because of the problems?

Or to just appologize to anyone that wrote to explain they were thrown out of the cue and couldn't order the first tier and just refund the money?

Hell, they could just go back to the ticket company and tell them in no uncertain terms how much ill-will they caused and tell them they are responsible for the costs.

There are lots of better ways than the one they actually chose.

That's just good business sense. (at least that's the way I run my company)

JK

by **theCryptofishist** » Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:44 am

jkisha wrote:In the whole scheme of things wouldn't it have been better for BMORG to have gotten on eplaya or post on the main site that the ticket company fucked up, that they were sorry, and that they would make an extra couple hundred tickets available at the 1st tier in a special sale to make the situation right for those that were not able to order because of the problems?

Well they did have people on tribe and here to work out snafus. The problem of putting out extra first tier ticks is that some people would claim that they didn't get tickets when they didn't even try and are now trying to work around that. And if we did something like demand screen shots, there would be people complaining that they didn't take one, cause they didn't know and that's why they didn't try again anyway.

As for business sence, I just don't think the llc has it. I think they were a bunch of people, creative types, who sort of fell into this position. Not an MBA amoung them (although I think that a lot what they teach MBAs is bunk.) They aren't particularly graceful or particularly slick in a lot of their interactions with us. YMMV.

by **Oldguy** » Thu Jan 22, 2009 1:11 pm

A man is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He tells him, I'm a walking economy."

" how so? ", his friend asks.

" My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression! ".

ePlaya

your stupid joke here

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